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Hey, you using that Keurig? Oh, no, take your time. It’s not like my livelihood hinges on the the chance that this sludge will counteract my hangover enough to drag me through the day. But sure, let’s kill this 90 seconds with some small talk. How was my weekend? “Never long enough, Craig,” my recycled answer volunteers automatically. But you know the real answer. You can smell the despair seeping through my pores. I’m at my weakest, and you take this opportunity to strike.
“Tell me about it. I got an oil change, finally got around to cleaning out the garage, and made some progress on the vegetable garden. I feel like I need two more days to relax now! Did you do anything fun?”
Wow, dick. Am I supposed to be impressed? You spent thirty minutes at Jiffy Lube and pulled some weeds. And now you want to know what I did? You want to hear about how I missed the end of the game because I once again overestimated my tolerance for bottomless mimosas, got distracted petting a dog in a brown-out for the entire fourth quarter, and thought the Chargers won for the rest of the day? You would love that, wouldn’t you? No thanks, I’m not giving you that.
Yeah, so my weekend got away from me. I promised myself I would do laundry Saturday, only to resort to my broken zipper pants come Monday morning. I intended to spend that $40 on ingredients for the week rather than three pizzas to share with my friends. I planned on definitely staying home on Sunday to pad the stats on that chore chart my roommate hung in the kitchen. Sometimes execution doesn’t meet intentions, but I can see how you wouldn’t be able to discern that from all the way up there on your high horse.
Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of weekends during which I behave like a normal adult human. Sometimes I go to the optometrist and drive my friends to the airport. Sometimes I vacuum my stairs. Sometimes I make smoothies with kale and shit. So before you go peacocking around like you’re a god among men, I wouldn’t be so quick to compare yourself to me based on an isolated 48 hours. At least I internalize my self-righteousness like the true fucking martyr I am.
I know you don’t think I’m a bad person. I don’t think you are either. We just happen to be on different frequencies. You can bet the next time I see you walk in with your eyes looking redder and your voice sounding raspier, I won’t guard the coffee maker with my knowing eyes and pointed questions. I won’t tell you about how I went to the gym before 8 a.m. on both days, got my tires rotated, and sent my sister her belated birthday present. We both own these shoes. I just happen to be the one wearing them now.
So go ahead, tell me about how productive your weekend was. I don’t have to care. I know your game, and I won’t play ball. Please seek your gold star and pat on the back elsewhere. Now, if you would excuse me, I need to take a full 60-minute lunch break to inhale and regurgitate a Buttery Jack because unlike somebody, I didn’t have enough time to meal prep this weekend. Sorry, Craig. Sorry for having friends..
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Best
Best specializes in making fun of men and wondering why she is still single. She has over 6,000 followers on Periscope, the reason for which she has yet to figure out. Her Tinder bio once went viral for including a pretty mediocre fart joke. Neither of these events she allows anyone in her life to forget.
@WhatTheHellTina
@t_mihel
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I always lie and say that I had a productive and relaxing weekend because the office guy with drunk stories never gets a promotion.
You should work on a ship. Sailors only have drunk stories. It’s how you get promoted just black out with the Captain look who the new Chief Mate is
Wow, getting spammers in here now. This would be a big step for PGP if it wasn’t the most incomprehensible garbage in the world. puu98059, I hope you are either inebriated or trying to dodge some automated ad blocker, you could at least look up the price of an Aston Martin.
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when i looked at the figure of 14756 dollars .Than I have no other choice but to accept , what i saw .They have been doing this for a year and get rid of their debts.. Yesterday they purchased new Aston Martin ……. Onlineweb10.tk
Well alright then…I got my medical marijuana card for shits and giggles and then I went to the dispensary and got a bunch of weed stuff and tried it outside and giggled a lot and then walked home with a huge grin on my face. Then I went for some runs because I’ve gotten in shape enough to put run my problems now which is a great thing. I watched the Patriots get embarrassed by the fucking Bills at my friend’s new house he bought with his controlling gf but at least she makes unreal buffalo dip, I found out I can’t drink beer anymore due to a bad gluten allergy so vodka soda is in my future for a long ass time. I took some shits, ate some breakfasts, sat down and contemplated moving to california and living out of my truck for awhile and now I’m back at work just hating my life. All in all it was a pretty solid weekend.
Congrats on the buffalo dip and weed though man.
Thanks man, the dip probably tastes a lot better than it was because of the weed but either way it was a good day
I got drunk in Boston with PGPers, went to Harpoon Oktoberfest, and saw Fenway for the first time. Now I’m just proud of myself for proving my boss wrong and being at work today.
Thanks for letting me know man, wtf!
I mistakenly believed you were one of the people out of town. I’ll tell you the same thing I tell every woman in my life that’s ever been mad at me, “I love you?…”
Lmao….I love you too
Being productive on the weekend is how I forget about the empty void my life has become because of lack of friends to get drunk with.
hey Craig.
This somehow made me feel a little better as I lie here in bed, groggily trying to draft all the work emails I didn’t send out and think of a reasonable excuse to use when my middle aged coworkers inevitably ask how I threw out my back. Not to mention the roiling mass of regret that is my digestive system, and my complete lack of time to eat a real breakfast or the healthy lunch I didn’t make because I spent too much time making poor choices on tinder last night.
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This was funny but you’re still the most disliked person in the PGP neighborhood.
What makes everyone think I was productive over the weekend and accomplished everything I needed to?