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Editor’s Note: This column was written by a reader in response to the #StopCrossFit column we published last week, which you will need to read here in order to fully enjoy the rebuttal.
I signed up for CrossFit in early 2011, a few months after graduating from college. I had spent the better part of a decade destroying my physical health and appearance through nonstop binge drinking, drug use, and consumption of every tobacco product known to man, and didn’t want to die of a massive heart attack in my late twenties, so I figured it was time to get my shit together.
My sister and boyfriend (at the time) actually talked me into it; their sales pitch being that I would love trying something other than long-distance running, of which I was growing tired. I signed up for a monthly contract, opting for three sessions per week, costing an admittedly expensive $108 per month.
I learned a lot over the course of that grueling year.
First, no amount of structure, or coaching, or community support will ever be able to hold me accountable to staying in shape. I am responsible for my own behavior. It’s called being a person. The boyfriend who got me to join still jokes that I used to be out of shape, but am now much healthier and happier. To be fair, I never made any stupid excuses as to why I couldn’t move my lazy ass for an hour per day.
Second, CrossFit is a cult, and I love it.
Here are 10 wonderful things about CrossFit and everything that goes with the cultural phenomenon:
1. People who post Facebook statuses about CrossFit.
Hello, my work out is “what is on my mind.” My updates and mastery of technique are scaring you? Have you considered that this may be exactly the point? I am a yolked badass, and my Facebook updates help me to relay that message to the world. Anyway, motivated people would see the information and be driven to work harder. Stop posting photos of the unhealthy trans-fatty donuts you had for breakfast, and maybe I would stop sending healthy messages via Facebook.
2. Being a girl who destroys guys.
I kick my own ass every single time I step into the gym. I feel all around happier, healthier, and stronger than ever before. When men come up to me at the gym thinking that I’m interested in how “big their dicks are,” which I assume is just a bad parallel to create an analogy about physical fitness, they are sadly mistaken.
I started my workouts by scaling to a lower weight. If you consider strength to be so masculine, why would argue that it is unfair for a woman to lift less weight than a man during workouts? Are you really so insecure as to feel inadequate when a person is moving less weight more quickly than you? On the other side of that spectrum, it seems that the only options you allow women are to be either a little skinny girl or a freak beast. Is there no middle-ground here? Either way, the fact that I could probably “beast” you in a workout should not be emasculating. Your whiney response, however, should.
Speaking of which, Mr. Bolen, strong CrossFit women work out in hopes that scrawny, weak men (probably like you) will view us as frightening so that you stop approaching us in the gym with the desire of “showing us how big your dick is.”
3. Everyone is cheering you on.
You’ll never feel more supported than when you’re the last to finish a workout, but the rest of the class is pushing and cheering you on. If you are a real CrossFitter, you’re probably more interested in your health than getting bombed regularly at happy hour, so this shouldn’t be an issue.
It is normal to feel accomplished after finishing a workout, even if you’re hungover and vomiting, meaning that you are tough as hell and not a quitter. If the fact that people want you to succeed somehow makes you hate them, it seems that you have masochistic qualities. You may want to get that checked out. Finishing a workout with people chanting and cheering you on motivates you to work harder since you know people are watching. I’m sorry you hate yourself.
4. You do not care about beach muscles.
Bolen, Didn’t you mention that you wanted to join CrossFit to prevent a heart attack in your late twenties? Have you changed your mind already or are you actually interested in living a long and healthy life?
If your goal is chiseling out a six-pack and some gnarly biceps to impress bitches at the pool, you’re in the wrong place. First, if you want to impress bitches, don’t call them bitches. Second, don’t workout like a bitch.
These people want to turn you into a fucking monster, not a precisely toned piece of man candy. Any kind of man who wants to be “man candy” is obviously insecure and focused only on outwardly appearance. The point of CrossFit is to develop an overall healthier lifestyle, making us elite, which we are.
5. There is nothing cooler than a CrossFit couple.
Developing a sexual relationship at the gym is just awesome. There’s nothing sexier than strength, passion, dedication, and the overall developing of a better self. Especially since the focus for Mr. Bolen is to become a piece of “man candy” and “show the ladies how big his dick is,” which I think is the creepiest revelation in his article.
This phenomenon is far better in a CrossFit gym, because you’re in small groups with the same people day after day. You get to know a person based on their personality and drive over time. Furthermore, you find someone who has shared interests with you that reach further than getting bombed at happy hour.
I’m guessing the divorce rate for drunkly debauching couples has to be over ninety percent. Oh, you met in the middle of a happy hour when you couldn’t see straight or remember your own name? That’ll be a cute story for your alcoholic and obese offspring.
“Daddy used to creepily stare into the depths of mommy’s inebriated face before he threw up from alcohol poisoning and burritos from the taco stand on the corner downtown.”
6. It’s a lifestyle, and something that you always look forward to.
Getting off work and knowing that I get to go master a new movement or just help myself to become overall more incredible is the best feeling I have encountered post grad.
Mr. Bolen, you might be asking, “Why can’t I be more like you?”
The answer is because you’re lazy and misogynistic. Also, if your most difficult life problems are your workouts, you should reevaluate how much you challenge yourself in general. I worry that you will always be lazy and out of shape.
7. If you hate yourself and moving, you have zero chance of actually getting in shape, whether you’re a CrossFitter or not.
It is scientifically impossible to change your diet and physical habits without changing your body. If you’re overweight with a drinking problem, then you’re not a CrossFitter. If you join CrossFit and change these habits, you will change your life. That is a simple fact. There is no such thing as being “cut out” or “not cut out” for something. This is an excuse that lazy people use to justify their unhealthy behavior. You create your own inner-drive for success.
The man you’re describing in this article, which I think is likely an image of yourself, can still be changed. I have hope for you! This probably makes you hate me, but it’s okay because I can’t help but feel sorry for you. Just quit going to Chili’s happy hour and lift a weight once in a while. You just may find that it makes you feel better.
8. Eating Paleo will make you feel better and live longer.
I’m a fit girl, but I wasn’t always. I had a lot of belly fat and no muscular definition. I’m talking total lack of health and physical fitness. It’s a developed trait that I cultivated from being born into a society who values pizza rolls over vegetables. I was raised on McDonald’s and Hot Pockets. This changed because I changed.
The CrossFit coaches constantly urged me to eat food that my body naturally knows how to digest. Are you fucking high, sir? This is Louisiana. Here in the South, we are masters at eating shitty and being obese. But, I digress.
Paleo, also known as “the caveman diet,” changed my life. We live in a country where there is fast food available on every corner, but fortunately for me, I developed will power. It’s not that hard if you try it. How in the name of God am I supposed to eat Taco Bell when it isn’t even actually food?
9. It’s dangerous in there.
Any trainer will tell you that working out with improper form is incredibly unsafe. For this reason, proper form is stressed to no end in a CrossFit gym. This is because you’re doing an absurd amount of different lifts and motions on a totally sporadic basis. It is dangerous, and challenging, and rewarding.
The easy solution is to learn proper form. In dedicating five days a week to learning technique, I have never suffered an injury from my CrossFit workouts. This, again, is my own responsibility since I am an adult.
Most of us will have no clogged arteries at the age of thirty as we’ve resisted the Burger King on every corner.
10. It is a cult, and I love it.
I’m not saying all non-CrossFitters are masochistic shallow people who want to be perceived as “man candy.” Just you, Bolten. And I am happy to adhere to the title of “health nuts whose lives revolve around the prospect of daily self-improvement via unnecessarily intense exercise in a military environment, who have nothing else to live for outside work other than the one hour a day where they become master of their domain by throwing kettlebells around.”
It’s true, I value my health above most everything else. This makes me stronger, faster, and happier than you probably will ever understand.
Respond
Great – you feel better about not being lazy – good for you. I gave 4 people jobs last week and developed a new way of distributing a commodity. Excuse me if I want to have a beer at happy hour with my wife…who also likes to get sloppy drunk.
I hear ya! I went out with my friends last week….after the WoD.
This…was just amazing, and for not the reasons intended by the author. Cross-fitters are so incredibly annoying to people like me. See, I’m someone who does have the motivation to get the gym every morning at 5:15 (even throughout law school and now while I’m working as an attorney). But tell a cross-fitter that, and you’ll be shot down with “but it wasn’t a cross-fit workout so it doesn’t really count”, and which point said cross-fitter will tell you his WOD time like “BEAT THAT BRO”. The world must bear witness to the constant self high-fives and “we’re awesome CUZ CROSSFIT AND COLORFUL CALF SLEEVES DURRRRR”. No you’re most definitely not, so you just stay in the shadows like other cults, for the good of mankind.
And what does it say about you that getting cheered on by other members during workouts is a pivotal factor in your satisfaction with Cross-fit? Hint: it says that you’re a person who is constantly searching for validation.
And finally: HOLY SHIT, I can’t believe #5. No, cross-fit couples are just like other couples who workout together at the gym; the object of everyone else’s scorn and disgust. I can’t tell you how much pity I feel for a dude who has to #CouplesLift with his girlfriend every day. (Bro, if it’s light enough for her to spot you, you’re doing it wrong). Back to the point: I’m not a sociologist, but I’m pretty sure that there is no statistical evidence linking fake hip-thrust pulls-ups together to marital fidelity. That you would suggest so furthers the thrust of Mr. Bolen’s argument: y’all are batsh*t crazy.
Sincerely,
-A semi-normal male who finds a happy balance between working out, boozing, contributing to society and being an emotionally stable adult.
I didn’t really read the entire post, but I will say that I think it’s great that you workout through law school, no matter what work out you are doing. It’s a satirical article.
You wrote this? Well i’m a crossfitter also and I was annoyed from reading all the comments for your article. All these guys are just haters, they don’t truly understand. Rite now I cant afford to work out at a box so I do my WODs in my schools gym but I still know what its like. Ignore these idiots 😉
This rebuttle article annoys me. As someone who has been crossfitting for 2 yrs now, I do it because I personally enjoy the workouts, and that’s it. Not the cult mentality, not the yelling, not the crossfit couples or anything else. In fact I go to crossfit as early as possible to AVOID these things. I understand that people like this author do it for other reasons, but if you’re going to write this long, elaborate response, please at least try and make it close to the orignal author’s level of humor/satire. This overly-intense response makes us all look bad.
I think she wants you to show her your dick
How stupid are people? Why can’t they figure out SATIRE?
That adorable couple you posted are personal friends of mine, and they do NOT do Crossfit. Thanks for playing though 😉
I didn’t add the photos.
They need to NOT do that in a gym then.
LOL that’s in their garage!!!
You need to read the article on acronyms and why they’re grossly over-rated.
Grouchy much? Also, considering the picture was taken down, I believe I got my point across just fine, acronyms and all.
Not grouchy, just opinionated. No offense was meant by any of my remarks. I’m sorry if I crossed the line on this humor website.
None taken! For what it’s worth, I thought the #stopcrossfit column was 100% more comical. Self deprecating humor gets me every time.
This rebuttal basically corroborated everything Bolen wrote in his article. Hers reads like a fucking CrossFit infomercial. If you want to be in shape, outstanding. I ask that you please refrain from recruiting others to your cult.
Personally, I’d rather be learning something while getting in shape, which is why I box. Boxing is better than CrossFit because it teaches me how to punch butch chicks in crotch-region when they mouth-off about how superior CrossFit is to everything.
What do you mean “learn” something? I have learned good deadlift form at CrossFit which has saved my back as I moved hundreds of pounds of metal a day. I have spent the last 26 months dedicating myself to learning the correct form on Olympic Lifts and Gymnastic movements. I run tirelessly after lifting your body weight 30-40 times. If by “learn” something you mean self defense, then yes boxing is a great way to achieve that goal. I can tell by how you have posted that you have spent no time inside a CrossFit box, and if you had you would know there is endless effort being poured out by these people. Glad to see you are staying in shape but you should say people aren’t learning things when they go to CrossFit I think you may be pleasantly surprised that its quite the opposite.
She just didn’t get it. Nice interview on ESPNRadio though. Its that moment when you realize you’re not writing for the TFM audience anymore.
Here is some advice to all crossfit people…join a real gym.