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If you’re in any sort of long-term relationship, you have them. The big ones. The knock down, drag out Big Fights.
I don’t mean the drunk squabbles or the arguments about who ate the last piece of pizza. I mean the fights that leave you with absolutely no sense of who won and who didn’t. The fights where a moment of silence finally comes, and you sit there breathing hard, wondering when this started, or how, or why. The fights that shake you, that leave you waking up wondering if you’d imagined it at all, if it had just been a bad dream. I read some statistic once that said that a solid percentage of arguments are never resolved. Isn’t that weird to think about? They never reach a conclusion. The two people just agree to stop fighting about whatever caused the argument in the first place, but there’s never a compromise reached.
I had one of those mornings recently, where you wake up hoping the previous night was just a terrible dream.
Those kinds of fights leave an ache in your chest, a desperate need for comfort and reassurance buried underneath all the mad and hurt. One of the most upsetting things about fighting with the person you love more than anyone else is that in no other circumstance would you be in that kind of pain without seeking their comfort. But when the source of anger comes from that person, you’re left at a really strange point. I tend to go numb in those situations. I don’t typically cry, not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t. I’ll cry later– the next day, maybe, or in the bathroom in the middle of the night when we’ve finally gone to sleep, exhausted. But so much of the hurt comes not only from words inflicted upon me, but straight from her pain.
I spend much of my life doing the best I can to ensure that this person is happy. So when she’s sad, even when it’s at my hands, or maybe especially then, my instinct is to make it go away. But arguments bring out the ugliest parts of ourselves. The need to bring her comfort is overshadowed by that horrible thing your brain does after this sort of argument. It replays everything, the shouting and the hurtful words, and for a while afterward, that’s all I can see. It’s selfish, and it results in me wallowing in my pain while she wallows in hers.
But none of that is the weird thing that happens after a Big Fight.
The weird thing is that as we sleep, or as I wake for an instant in the night, I will still reach for her and she for me. The morning after a Big Fight is more awkward than usual, with us both tiptoeing around the other as we get ready for work, but she still kisses me goodbye before leaving. She says I love you, and I say it back. Because I do. I will. I had the strange realization that despite the few things we agree upon and the many more that we see from decidedly different viewpoints, I will never leave this person. I will never live my life without her. Not because I’m afraid to, afraid of starting over again alone. It’s a daunting thought, but only because living without her seems inconceivable. I have been with her, lived with her, loved her long enough to know her in a way that I think is totally unique to two people in love. The way we love each other is not love in a temporary form, or a fickle one. I learn something about her, and thus about myself, daily. Our love is not static, and as with any love, it is constantly changing and evolving as we are.
I love the new her that I wake up with every day. I commit myself to her changing heart and mind as she does to mine. I can see past the Big Fights, past the anger, and I am reminded that she would do anything for me, as I would for her. Love is generous. It doesn’t hold itself back, and it doesn’t calculate. It forgives the little things, and the big things. Sometimes it takes a Big Fight to be reminded of all that. I’m not recommending fighting as a form of couple’s therapy, here, but I am saying that that cliche about appreciating the sun more because of the rain, or whatever, speaks to me right now.
Love is complicated, man. But when you keep in mind that you love that person and they love you, the rest, good day or bad, is just details. .
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Rory Gilmore
Rory Gilmore on the outside. Emily Gilmore on the inside. Email me funny shit at rory_gilmore20@yahoo.com.
@rory_gilmore20
I needed this. My wife and I are still “recovering” from our first big fight as a married couple. For me the hardest part is the period between my apology and her true forgiveness/moving forward. The “love you”, hugs and kisses are still there but they have that distant, empty feeling. Knowing you did wrong to someone you love that would make them feel the need to step back and shut you off for a period of time is crushing. The beautiful thing about love that pushes me to be a better husband is even through the “empty” space between apology and forgiveness, you know that person loves you and sees the good person you are even if you don’t see it in yourself.
Whoa. Apologies everyone. This turned into a rant. How about the weather today…..
I’m eagerly waiting for your marriage mailbag post.
I haven’t had any emails. Really crushing my spirit
How do you react when you want to focus on growing your emotional relationship and your wife just wants to have sex?
Give it to her, daily, but open up about your emotions while doing so
I’m hoping D man will give me a shout out in his mailbag posts like “hey don’t forget we have another mailbag opportunity blah blah blah” but I don’t think he wants to share the fame and fortune that comes with turning people’s lives around
This straight up just made me tear up at work. I had a big fight like this a few weeks ago with my bf and every single word you said hit home
Someone seems to be cutting onions near my desk as well
This was great, definitely can relate. What makes these fights super hard is that I’m the type of person to want to resolve stuff right away, whereas my girlfriend needs to mull about it for a few hours/overnight. I can’t stand it when people I care about are mad at me, whereas she needs space to calm down. Relationships are fucking hard.
I’m the exact same way, man. Shit is anxiety inducing.
Damn this was good. I needed this one today
I once started a fight between my parents over what seems such a trivial matter. Parents put brand new carpeting in my bedroom and my dad no longer wanted the dog sleeping in my room so the carpet would stay clean, as clean as it can in a teenagers bedroom. I objected and my mom started arguing with my dad about how it was unfair to not only me but the dog and that he was being unreasonable. I left the room and later that night I found my dad asleep in his chair. It’s one of the only times I’ve seen him sleep there not because he fell asleep in his chair but because my parents had gotten into a fight.
Just had my first serious fight over the weekend and reading the part about still reaching for eachother in the middle of the night made me remember that he did that. Thanks for making me cry at work today.
in the process of resolving a four-day-long first Big Fight. am now crying at my desk, and not subtlely.
I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll toss on a Meg Ryan flick and send some prayers up for y’all.
appreciated, but ‘sall good now.
There was a time a few months ago where it seemed like my wife and I constantly at odds with each other. Little annoyances turned it to big problems. We had grown complacent and weren’t investing in our relationship. Most of this was solved by talking. Fights are going to happen, no doubt about that. But communication with your partner will reduce the severity and frequency tenfold.
The morning after a BF is the worst. I’m the first one up in the mornings and I always lay a towel out for my husband before I leave the bathroom. I know when I’m truly starting to get over a fight when there is zero hesitation about pulling out a towel for him. You hit it on the head when you explained how difficult it is when the source of your comfort is also the current source of your anger and/or pain. Great article!
And I just got left and now ignored into oblivion after a relatively small fight. Not that I want to fight because I don’t, but I just seriously don’t think I️ can imagine anyone loving me so much they would stay with me me through something like that. Maybe it’s because I’m young but honest to goodness have never met a man that doesn’t skip out as soon as things get a little imperfect.
I’ve been that guy before. Don’t worry, he’ll live a shallow, unfulfilled life. I left a great girl for a stupid reason once and I’ve been kicking myself for it ever since. You’ll find somebody better.
Thank you 🙂