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I’m no stranger to parties. Birthday parties, graduation parties, just-got-out-of-jail parties, you name it, I’ve partied for it. Except for one. Due to all of my friends being, for a want of a better term, commitment-phobic man-babies, very few of them are even approaching marriage, leaving me a bachelor party rookie. A virgin, if you will. Until this weekend. On Friday, I fly out to beautiful Nashville to meet up with ten other dudes with one singular goal in mind – getting rowdy as fuck at every country bar in the city. And I’m excited. But I’m also a little nervous. When it comes to partying, I consider myself one of the best, and being the best means preparation. Doing research. And in this case, asking a bunch of strangers on the internet questions.
Should I be prepared to go to a strip club?
Neither the bachelor, nor the best man, have mentioned anything about us seeing any strippers. There has been no group chat telling us to load up on singles. Nobody has told us to pack sweatpants. To be honest, I can’t see this group going the whole stripper route, but given what I know about bachelor parties from movies, am I just being naïve? I don’t want to be the guy that gets blindsided when we inevitably find ourselves in a gentlemen’s club, but I also don’t want to be the guy pushing for us to go if the group isn’t into it. What’s my play?
If we do end up at a strip club, what are the rules I should follow?
I think this is going to come as a surprise to many readers, but I’ve never been in a strip club before. I’m just not really into it. I know, I put out the “know all the dancers by name” kind of vibe, but it’s not my scene. I just don’t see the appeal. I wouldn’t spend money to go to a buffet and just watch the food. I’m also not into dropping several hundred dollars on a half-hearted handjob within ten feet of a ‘roided-out bouncer.
That being said, if the group ends up at a strip club, there’s no chance I’m going to be the guy that heads back to the AirBnB early. Fuck that guy. I’m here for the stories, baby, and they only get better as the night gets weirder. So, if I were to find myself in a club with a nice young lady named Mercedes sitting on my lap, what are some rules I should know? Is it rude to turn down a lap dance? Where do my hands go? I need some guidance.
Do bachelor parties wear matching outfits?
While I know this trend is a non-negotiable within bachelorette squads, I’m not sure if it extends to the opposite gender. Will I need to purchase a “groom group” tank top? Are we all wearing matching cowboy hats or tiaras? I know this isn’t a thing, but also I know I want it to be a thing. This question is kind of a hypothetical because I successfully convinced my group that we should all wear matching overalls for our trip to the country music capitol, so the only real question to be seen is whether I go shirtless under the denim or not. I think it’s going to come down to a game-time decision depending on how good my traps are looking at that time.
Do Nashville bars have a dress code policy?
Now that I think about it, perhaps I should have looked into the nightlife before I spent a… “moderate” amount of money in Walmart’s “farmwear” section. I don’t recall there being any kind of dress code when I last went to Nashville, but it isn’t called Nash-Vegas for nothing, right? And if overalls are allowed, do they count as a shirt and pants? I know earlier (thirty seconds ago) I said I’d decide if I was going shirtless or not at game time, but I think I’ve sold myself on the idea. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m going to go completely commando under the overalls. It’s the south, baby. Gotta let it breathe.
What parts of the trip is his fiancée allowed to hear about?
If there’s two things I’m good at, it’s keeping secrets that I know are secrets, and ruining secrets that I wasn’t aware were secrets. If you tell me something under the agreed-upon premise that I can’t tell anyone else, I will take that shit to my grave. If you, however, just tell me stuff, assuming I won’t bring it up at a later date, I will 100% do so at the worst possible moment. It’s never purposeful. I live a completely open-book life, and if others don’t make it abundantly clear with me that something is a secret, I’m going to assume they do as well.
With that in mind, should I just assume any and all stories from the bachelor party are off limits to anyone who wasn’t there? Does that include writing about it for strangers on the internet? If something absolutely hilarious happens with the groom, can I still tell the story at his wedding and just replace his name with that of someone else in our squad? This is information I need to know so I don’t ruin a marriage before it begins.
What’s the Nashville jail like?
Look, I’m just trying to get ahead of the situation and glean important information that could pertain to my trip. I’m not saying I want to end up in jail. I’m not even saying I think I will end up in jail. I’m just saying I know myself, and I have to take into account the possibility of me getting drunk tanked at some point during the weekend. I like to be honest with myself.
So, does anyone have experience with the jail? How would you rate it? Is it clean? Is it comfy? Is it full of hardened criminals, or mainly drunk kids like myself? How is the police force? Am I going to get beaten if I mouth off a little? Do they even enforce DIPs on the strip? It seems counterproductive to their whole economy. I know someone reading this has spent a night in a Nashville jail. Give ya boy some pointers.
If you have the answers to any of these questions, let me know in the comments. Or if you just want to recommend bars. I’m open to any and all suggestions. .