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I’m currently living out of a suitcase with two bathing suits, one pair of shorts, and a couple of t-shirts. I shipped all of my personal belongings to Texas on a truck which isn’t arriving for another few days, which is both maddening and incredibly inconvenient. So yesterday morning on my second day of work, I rolled into the office wearing wool socks with Birkenstocks (one of my signature looks), a bathing suit with a 4-inch inseam, and a long sleeve shirt that should probably only be worn while sailing or sitting on a patio overlooking an infinity pool. Needless to say, it was commented on by basically everyone in the office.
Let’s just say that the reviews were mixed. Dillon Cheverere, a noted fajita hater and self-proclaimed roasting aficionado, Snapchatted my outfit on his story to God knows how many people. I’m probably getting roasted at college campuses across the country right now, but if you don’t like Birkenstocks or wool socks than we don’t have similar interests anyway. I’ll be addressing my outfit, as well as defending all of my style choices on Touching Base later this afternoon, but what I’d like to get around to talking about right now are Snapchat filters.
Like any self-respecting twenty-something, Snapchat plays a vital role in my day to day life. Whether it’s looking at Kylie Jenner’s snap story to see if she posted anything with her butt in it, or I’m opening a snap from one of my buddies on a cigarette break, I’m confident in saying that Snapchat is my favorite and most used form of social media. The new filters that Snapchat has been releasing over the past few months have been nothing short of revolutionary.
A lot of them are really stupid, but I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I don’t try out all of them. I check for new filters almost every day, which probably isn’t very healthy or normal for a straight male who just turned 25. I like firing off snaps, so sue me. Don’t judge me because I like to have fun. Breathing fire out of my mouth on Snapchat is a simple pleasure that I refuse to be ashamed of.
You’ve got everything you could ask for, whether you want to look like a bootleg Alice Cooper with a painted face and red lipstick on or you just want to put that flower crown on and look positively radiant. You can get bug eyes and you can distort your face to make it look like you co-starred in The Hills Have Eyes. Hell, you can even become a cheetah if you really want to be one.
But my personal favorite? Well, it’s been a little bit of an internal dilemma for me for quite some time. I just don’t know how to feel about it. Emily Ratajkowski, Bella Thorne, Kim Kardashian, and hot girls who I know personally that I would love to have sex with – they’ve all used this filter at one time or another.
I’m talking, of course, about the infamous dog filter. Everytime a hot girl puts the dog filter on I can’t help but get aroused. There is absolutely no rhyme or reason for the dog filter to be as flattering as it is, but here we are. Is it the tongue thing when you open your mouth? Does the filter make your face skinnier? Am I just a huge pervert with a weird animal fetish? I don’t know. It makes me feel weird knowing that I’m attracted to girls who throw dog ears and a snout on their face. I’m praying to the Halloween gods at this very moment that I meet a girl who goes out as the Snapchat dog filter because I’ll probably fall in love. The filter in question makes me feel it, deep down in my plums. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s a “ho” filter. Do you, girl. But until Halloween, all I can really ask is that hot girls everywhere continue to use that sultry little pup filter because I cannot get enough of it. .
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
I feel like this is the first chapter in a book that ends with you becoming a furry.
Here’s a solid life hack. If you can’t find a bathroom while in public and you really have to go, just throw on the dog filter while recording it on your snap story and you won’t become a sex offender.
How are you not on an FBI Watch List yet?
I probably am by now but they haven’t gotten through reading all of Hillary’s boring emails of imperialistic conquests and shady money affiliations and also there’s tons of kids downloading music illegally right now which is of course an upmost priority.
Illegal downloading is a huge problem in this country. Lars Ulrich, the drummer from Metallica, still can’t afford a gold-plated shark tank bar.
But he can afford good drum lessons from Tool’s Danny Carey.
Totally agree. Don’t be ashamed Johnny. Also, if you could sack tap DeFries next time you see him, I would really appreciate it.
I thought I knew what this article was going to be about. I was wrong.
You, uh, might want to see a psychiatrist or something.
Hopefully that truck has some peanut butter coming your way.
Next TGDAG: Snapchat
Sending Todd nudes.
Please don’t perpetuate that damn dog face filter. It needs to go.
Every time I receive a dog-face snap, I want to respond to her “tell me more about how you love netflix, wine, and sarcasm”