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Hey, did you guys hear? I got a dog. You probably wouldn’t know because I never post about her on Instagram or tweet videos of her doing Mannequin Challenges.
I picked up my English Springer Spaniel, Rosie, on Masters Sunday last year. In my mind, it was the perfect way to spend the day. Me on the couch, my new tired puppy sitting in front of me panting with hearts in her eyes. Instead, I barely watched Sergio Garcia win because I spent most of my time chasing her around the room trying to make sure she didn’t chew, break, or pee on anything.
Getting a dog wasn’t all face licks and tail wagging unlike my Instagram would lead to you believe.
They’re way more expensive than you think they’re going to be.
Do yourself a favor and google a budget for your dog. Then double that budget and stick with that figure instead.
On the surface, you can think of the easy costs: food, boarding, vet visits, the list goes on. And on. And on. But then factor in the fact that they’re going to ruin your shit. Like, all of it. That rug underneath your bed? Bet on at least one corner getting chewed off it. The new pair of shoes? Buy two pairs and, if you’re lucky, only one will get chewed up and/or dirt on it while playing in the backyard. Then once both are ruined, buy a shoe rack to keep all of your shoes out of harm’s way moving forward. Yes, it looks like shit but it’s better than dropping $100 on a new pair of Adidas.
Outside of that, you’re still looking at expenses for toys (a lot of toys), dogsitters (wedding season is treacherous), and training (if they need it). If you’re still living paycheck to paycheck and are afraid to check your bank account every Sunday night, play with your friend’s labradoodle and enjoy your free time.
They’re the perfect excuse for leaving things early.
Even if your dog doesn’t need to go out every four hours (which is the case early on), you can still act like it does when you’re at a bar and your single friends start ratcheting things up.
After your new dog is about eight months old, you can go out all night without having to worry about your dog pissing its crate. But for those times when you want to head home early, pound water to prevent a hangover, and catch an episode of Shark Tank before going to bed, using your dog as a scapegoat is the perfect formula. It’s like having a kid, but you’re not paying a babysitter.
Sleeping in is a thing of the past.
At some point after the age of 28, you stop sleeping in. Sleeping past 10 o’clock on a Saturday morning makes you feel like you’re wasting the day. I, myself, have a natural alarm clock that wakes me up at 7:30 every morning. And now I have a dog alarm clock that wakes me up at 6 o’clock every morning.
Whether she just needs to go to the bathroom or I drunkenly passed out without leaving enough water in her bowl, there’s always a rustling that wakes me up — even if she’s just scraping around in her crate. Unlike you, dogs have ample free time to do whatever they want. So when they see you sleeping nicely in your bed at 6:45 a.m., they default to playtime. It may be as easy as filling up a water bowl and falling back asleep for an hour, but it also may be as miserable as taking a walk around a couple blocks in the middle of January.
Puppies stay puppies for way longer than you think.
Admittedly, I didn’t do my research here. “Ten months is like six years old in dog years,” I told myself.
Nope. Not even close.
Puppies don’t just magically turn into dogs that lumber around your house once they turn one. Puppies are puppies until they’re at least two years old, sometimes three or four years old. My particular bread? A lot don’t calm down until they’re about eight years old. I’ll be like 40 by then.
Sure, the chewing slows down. The barking chills out. The obedience settles in. But when the energy levels are still high after twelve months and they still don’t realize how big their bodies are when they’re running around the house, you come to the realization that you’re about to have a puppy for much longer than you expected.
They need to be worn the fuck out.
Dogs aren’t like humans — they can’t just take a melatonin gummy or Ambien and fall asleep at night after stressful day. I mean, sure, you can drug your dog by giving it calming chews or Benadryl, but then you’re the person who drugs their dog rather than playing with it. No one wants to be that person.
Each dog has an energy threshold that needs to be met in order to ensure you have that chill puppy that sits at your feet at night while you watch TV. Otherwise, you’re going to be dealing with a hairy ball of energy bouncing around the room when you otherwise want to be doing absolutely nothing like the good ol’ days. Walks, fetch (ChuckIt recommended), dog parks — whatever it is, figure out what the hell your dog likes to do and do it until they physically don’t want to do it anymore. They’ll be happy, and you’ll get to spoon with it on the ground while finishing up The Crown.
They’re selfish as hell.
Until they’ve been trained, they eat when they want to eat. They go out when they want to go out. They play when they want to play. And if you don’t let them, they’ll let you hear about it. The time commitment that goes into catering to your new best friend is something that can’t be taken lightly, and this is coming from someone who enjoys their alone time more than the time they spend hanging out with their friends.
Just like you reach a breaking point, they do too. Except they do it with a whimper that makes you feel like the biggest asshole in the world for not catering to their every need. Which you’ll do, because they’re yours now. And you love them. .
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
#1: They’re way more expensive than you think they’re going to be…but they’re cheaper than an engagement ring.
FTFY
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Sup Rach
Puppies are always puppies. Even when they’re thirteen with grey muzzles and hip displacia, that’s just a thirteen year old puppy.
Good puppy.
Besides the unconditional love a dog has for you, an excuse to leave things early is easily the best part of having a dog. I’ve probably used that excuse 10 times already in 2018. I even tried to use it for an Easter Sunday gathering but I got the “oh no everyone is bringing their dogs, please just bring yours”
Another thing I’ve learned is that having your dog at someone else’s house is miserable. I’m more anxious than most but I constantly just have a fear that she’s going to ruin something of someone else’s that I can’t afford.
Learned this the hard way a few weeks ago. Ruined a night with friends.
Me and Rosie go way back. Here’s a recent picture of us (hammer that like button if you enjoyed): https://www.instagram.com/p/BgXAm-Bngee/?taken-by=dcruff
I’m sorry. Had to.
*do it to ’em
Ooorrrr you could adopt an adult dog and skip all the puppy crap. There are so many adult and senior dogs in the shelters about to be euthanized because people like the idea of a puppy. My 5 year old rescue is the most chill thing. I will never get a puppy.
There are puppies they will euthanize if they’re not rescued as well.
THIS. Unfortunately, it seems like every young couple is obsessed with spending hundreds on a fucking lab/retriever puppy. Also, MANY shelter pets have all of their shots and flea medicine already – ask that trashy lady with a piss-soaked hamper full of puppies how well taken care of hers are….
Also many are crate trained and way easier to house break- they are just happy to have a home.
This entire column was a cautionary tale for those looking to get a puppy. If someone doesn’t want to deal with raising a puppy, by all means, adopt an older dog. Getting an older dog wasn’t a route I wanted to take.
Yeah I can’t relate to really anything Will said. Picked up our mutt from the shelter and aside from dog food and her annual vaccinations, I don’t really spend anything on her. She doesn’t like toys of any kind, has never chewed or ruined anything I own, can happily spend 10+ hours a day at home with free reign of the house and has never peed or gotten into anything. She prefers sleeping in so I usually have to be the one to wake her up in the morning. We take her for a daily walk and after that she’s content to just chill. Easiest dog in the world and she was free at the shelter.
Just realize this is the minority. Most animals in shelters tend to be from a select few breeds, and those breeds tend to need A LOT of attention, training, and love. I have three pitbulls from three different shelters and theyre at three different stages of life. I wouldn’t recommend to anyone to just go grab a dog from a shelter. You need to be prepared for the breed and frankly sometimes buying a puppy is the right answer if you don’t want to spin the wheel on a companion that lasts 2-15 years.
That being said, adopt if you can OR purchase from a responsible breeder and fix ya damn doges
112%agree
I’ve mentioned this before on another dog article, but if you get a puppy get them on a Banfield Wellness Plan. About $30 a month and it covers all shots, vet visits (even emergency visits). All you have to do is pay for medication.
Second this.
my 11 month old puppy Josie has chewed through 5 iPhone chargers, 2 pairs of shoes, and one computer charger. pitbull/lab mixes are ambitious little stinkers
My dog chewed through my curling iron and straightener cords… silver lining is I learned a valuable new skill of repairing power cords.
One more lesson that a tied down man such as yourself shouldn’t know. Will.Pull.In.All.The.Ladies. but few are actually interested in you and really just want to play with your absolutely adorable dog so you get a phone number, get a few responses, then ghost…
Or is that just me?
Unfortunately Baloo also pulls in all the ladies. Not exactly helping my cause.
My mom always referred to dogs as “children that never grow up.” One of the many things she was too right about.
The move is to train your puppy to grow up to be a drug sniffing dog but instead of being a narc for law enforcement, you just use your pawsome pup to sniff out rival gang/cartel product supply to steal and then sell yourself….for more illegal business consultant suggestions, you can email me