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I live my life in fear. Fear of people not liking me. Fear of leaving my debit card at the bar. Fear of what I said the night before when I got drunk enough to leave my debit card at the bar. It’s just who I am — it’s ingrained in every fiber of my being.
Most of these fears lead to what some would call “social anxiety.” I’m not going to act like it’s debilitating because it’s not. Sometimes I’d just rather sit at a picnic table drinking my beer and not talk to anyone rather than engaging with someone I just met. Crippling fear? No. Understandable? Sure.
But in my deep sea of anxiety-inducing fears sits a set of worries that I know are completely irrational. I can’t even try to justify them because if I do, I’ll just sound like an asshole. So rather than that justification, I’ll just explain them (and still sound like an asshole).
Getting recorded dancing like an old man at a concert and turning into a meme featured on Daquan.
September 21st, 2016. I stood in a sold-out arena where Kanye West floated above countless Hypebeasts singing his seminal hits while they waited for the stage to take the perfect position for their Instagram story. Two rows up from the floor, I stood alone in my seat. No friends, no acquaintances — just me. A single ticket to the show.
As I hesitantly danced along to “Feedback,” fear hit me. Who was watching me? And then, why am I so vain that I actually think someone would be watching me rather than Kanye fucking West? It was at that moment that my sober paranoia got the best of me. No longer was I afraid of accidentally singing the chorus of “Gold Digger,” no, I was afraid of everyone surrounding me pulling out their iPhones and recording me awkwardly dancing along. All it takes is one misplaced dab or a missed whip and all of the sudden I’m on Daquan with people commenting “I’m crine” and “lmfaoooo who made this.”
All my friends getting rich on cryptocurrency while I remain middle-class because I’m too lazy to research anything about cryptocurrency.
I’ve never wanted something to fail more than I want Bitcoin to fail. No offense to anyone out there whose entire life hinges on its success. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m lazy — so lazy, in fact, that I pretty much outright refuse to do any research when it comes to the topic solely because I’d rather sit behind a computer screen and hope it fails so all the chatter becomes trivial.
Honestly, the smartest thing I’ve done is talk my friend out of spending $200 on Bitcoin, like, five years ago. He would’ve been stacking paper now and I would’ve been sitting here wondering why I didn’t do the same. Sure, there are people out there doing just that, but no one I know. As long as my immediate circle isn’t rich on crypto while I’m still working a desk job, I’m fine.
Getting second-hand popcorn lung from everyone Juuling around me.
I sat there as someone near me blew a monstrous cloud out of his lungs. I think it was mango flavored. Once said cloud infiltrated my nostrils and therefore went into my system, I had a near panic attack thinking about how disgusting it was that the same vape I had just inhaled was in that man’s body just minutes before. Gross.
I’m not sure if you know what popcorn lung is (thanks for not listening to my podcast, dick) but it’s essentially the cancer of vaping. Don’t fact check me on that; just know it’s not good. The last thing I need is to get second-hand popcorn lung because I was standing next to a bunch of frat dudes Juuling at a music festival. I’m going to end up buying one of those off-market Yeezy face masks things, which only compounds my current modern-day yuppie scum predicaments.
Getting quote tweeted and that person going viral.
You never know when a viral tweet is going to happen. One second you’re scrolling your timeline praying that Kanye and Trump haven’t interacted, the next you’re laughing at the dumbass who wrote “bone apple tea” instead of “bon appétit.” Sure, the original tweet always does well because of the overflow of people who see it, but the quote tweeter always reaps most of the benefits. The last thing I need is a coworker of mine quote tweeting me and holding it over my head for the rest of my life that they got 125K retweets for making fun of me. Micah or Ross would never let me live it down.
Cool teens roasting me for trying to dress too young.
I wear a lot of “athleisure.” I hate that word but there’s no other way of explaining it. I wear it partially because I’m a blogger and it’s widely accepted, but also because I’m putting off getting in shape and the easiest way to be comfortable is by having an elastic waistband on at all times.
I consider myself to be up on #trends. I get it. I follow the right Instagram accounts and check the correct blogs. But one day, the second I miss a step, I’m going to find myself wearing something from season’s past while a cool teen points and laughs while putting me on his Snapchat story. If I’m lucky, Snapchat will be dead by then but still. I don’t want to buy a Supreme or Bape hoodie only to get fried by Trent, a YouTube’ing DJ who makes six figures as a freshman in high school.
My favorite show — Frasier — getting taken off Netflix*.
We’ve lost Friday Night Lights, 30 Rock, and countless other re-watchable sitcoms. The moment Netflix decides to cut the cord on Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Roz, and Martin? I might literally die. What will I fall asleep to? What will I put on in the background while I refresh Instagram notifications? What will I… *gasps*… tweet about? .
*I have been notified that Frasier is also on Hulu, but you can’t simply go from watching it commercial-free to watching with commercial interruption. That being said, I’ll still make the transition if need be.