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2017 was quite a year for me. I lost about five pounds, got a raise, and only had to take Plan B once. I also got a boyfriend.
You might remember me as the one who prematurely traveled internationally with a guy I barely knew. Sparing you the details, the trip was nothing short of magical. He forgot who I was after taking a sleeping pill on the plane, I got frostbite after our tour of Dachau concentration camp, and I cried after sex. Twice. But clearly he’s into all of that because six weeks later the families were met, two months later we were living together, and six months after that, anal was finally had. Just kidding. I’d rather purge myself.
Anyway, around month #9, people started asking the engagement question. Yes, we have talked about it – and I truly believe this is the direction we’re heading toward. But my first thought was: how the ballsack am I supposed to know when we’re getting engaged? Am I the one doing the proposing now? Do I honestly look like the type of person who’d be in a gender-neutral relationship where both parties have to propose to each other for the engagement to be real? Think again. But even more dauntingly, let’s say he does propose within the next few months. How will he know what type of ring I want?
Now, I know what you’re thinking. But Annie! If he’s going to be your fiancé, shouldn’t he already know you’re style and what type of ring you like?! To which my answer would be: please get a head CT. Guys are literal animals. They can’t tell their mouth from their asshole sometimes and you expect him to know something so specific that people get murdered over minor imperfections? Hard fucking no. And since the thought of a heart-shaped .5-carat ring makes me want to give up my firstborn, I need to think of a way to tell him what type of ring I want… without actually telling him.
Which brings me to my internal debate: Should I make my boyfriend an engagement ring PowerPoint presentation? Nothing crazy here. I’m talking 10 slides max that outlines my desired 4 Cs and some pictures for reference. I’ll even send it from a burner email to hide my identity.
The angel on my right shoulder is telling me not to do it. She says that my meet & fall in love story is better than a Hallmark movie, so why should I spoil the ending now? She whispers in her crisp monotone voice that I shouldn’t be too controlling. That I’m stripping him of his masculinity and taking away the experience from him. Although innately positive, she also warns me that God forbid things don’t work out between us, I’ll forever be seen as the girl who made an engagement ring PowerPoint for her boyfriend who clearly didn’t feel the same way. Next stop: Rejection station. Population: me.
But the devil on my left shoulder is telling me to do it. You already know his budget, she mentions, so why the fuck not? She says that if he has all of the information he needs in his arsenal, he’d be able to reference it whenever he wants – and use it when the time is right. And since I have no idea when that will be, the proposal can actually be a surprise, which is the way I’ve always envisioned it. But her main argument is probably my most convincing. The devil knows that I have a very hard time hiding my facial expressions and that I would not be able to hide my reaction to a pear-shaped, vintage emerald ring for a single second. She tells me that making this PowerPoint would be in his best interest because the immediate look on my face wouldn’t murder his highest hopes and dreams. Plus, she says in a sultry, sexy voice: I’ll get the ring I want. .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
No.
Oh, Sally has a burner account that slipped through; cool.
As someone who just showered at his gf’s place for the first time after 4 months of dating, this relationship timeline gave me major anxiety.
This. My four YEAR relationship with my boyfriend has seen countless couples meet after us, marry, then divorced or “we sleep in different rooms now” …and we’re just now moving in together
This. I don’t understand people who rush into getting married. If a girl needs a diamond ring to prove that her boyfriend wants to be with her and doesn’t believe him when he says otherwise, there’s other very big issues in that relationship.
It’s insane. My 24-fucking-four year old friends were just talking about how bitter they’ll be if they don’t get a ring this year. I can barely plan my weekend, don’t ask me to plan a wedding yet.
It’s the Instagram likes. They want them all and they want them now.
Only one of two things will happen if you do this
1. He will leave you, immediately
2. He has no soul, so he will propose, and then you will be stuck in a loveless marriage that will result in you cheating on him, he will find out, and then he will murder you and your lover in some bed and breakfast you’re staying in for the weekend
Do you think people who own B&Bs care that they have to wash sex sheets every day?
Who says the wash em everyday?
Who says they wash them?
I thought this was a column by deFries’ girlfriend.
What a power move that would’ve been!!
Sally?
Dear Annie’s boyfriend,
Run.
This is what best friends are for. They know all the details so he can go to them.
Apparently, Annie has no friends if that wasn’t her first thought instead of resorting to a power point of all things.
Congrats on the eventual divorce
I wouldn’t make a powerpoint, but I would appreciate my gf giving me exactly what she wants so I know she will love it.
Just got engaged and she showed me the type of band she wanted while also sending her Mom pictures of it. All I had to do was provide the diamond and pictures to their jeweler. She loves the ring and cut my decision making out of the equation. Couldn’t think of a better way to do things.