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Now that we know Rachel is going to be our Bachelorette, ABC is likely being flooded with applications from dudes who want to put a ring on the pretty lawyer’s finger. Or put something else somewhere. But either way, their “guy questionnaire” used the screen potential contestants is not exactly useful. Not only does it look like something my mother typed up in Microsoft Word 97, about half of the questions are totally useless. Yes, I definitely care about your annual salary – I’m not above admitting I’m marrying for money over love at this point – but do I really give a shit about your bucket list? Um, no. So let’s get realistic. As a woman who is looking for love in all the wrong places myself, I definitely have some thoughts on the questions that need to be asked in order to find Rachel’s potential co-star fiancé.
Do you have a nickname and where does it come from?
This question is actually one of the few that is on the current application that can stay, because a nickname can actually tell you a lot about a person, whether it be one that relates to his history, his personality or his anatomy. But if he doesn’t have a nickname… he probably doesn’t have any friends and that can tell you way more than any silly moniker.
What is your relationship with your mom?
I firmly believe that every girl on The Bachelor has some kind of daddy issues, so I have to assume that the reverse applies to the dudes going on The Bachelorette. I’m not looking for a guy that still relies on his mom to do his laundry or, on the flipside, one that refuses to answer the phone when his mom calls. A nice middle ground in mom-land sounds good to me.
Why would you want to find your spouse on our TV show?
I have to give the peeps at The Bachelorette credit for putting this one on their application because it reveals that they at least semi-realize the ridiculousness of looking for your mate while dating 30 people at the same time on television. But by the same token, I can’t imagine an answer to this one that doesn’t seem A.) desperate, B.) crazy or C.) both of the above.
What is your ultimate fantasy date?
I don’t understand how a show that is all about extreme dates (remember the zero gravity plane that Vanessa puked in this season?) doesn’t ask what kind of dates you like to go on, or what your dream date would be. If I’m the one asking the questions, I want to know if you prefer a sporting event or a wine tasting. A casual Italian dinner or a five-course French meal. BTW, if you answered the former in either of those, feel free to shoot me an email.
Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what are they? And where are they located on your body?
Another one from the actual questionnaire that’s relatively useful. Much like nicknames can tell you a lot about a person, so can tattoos. Tattoos can have a deep meaning or they can be frivolous, but either way, there’s usually a story. And I really want to know why you decided it was a good idea to get the equivalent of a metal album cover tattooed on your back…which can actually be really hot if done correctly.
What’s your greatest failure?
It’s easy to humble brag about all of your accomplishments, but to talk about your failures is much harder. Too much “why me” and you’re pathetic; not taking any accountability makes you irresponsible; and saying you’ve never failed makes you a liar. None of those are attractive, my friends.
What’s the link to your IMDB page?
Don’t lie, I know you have one. Everyone that applies for this show does. I’m looking at you, Vanessa..
Image via YouTube
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Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
@donttakeitfromus
Do you have a nickname and where does it come from?
Asshole. Being an asshole.
What is your relationship with your mom?
She asks me dumb questions after she drinks a glass of wine, I provide dumb responses in a timely fashion.
Why would you want to find your spouse on our TV show?
It’s not about finding a spouse, it’s about all the side chicks.
What is your ultimate fantasy date?
Team My Little Pony vs Team Pokemon death match in the Thunderdome, where we each take a wad of cash and bet on which character will prevail until there’s nothing left but a mess of glitter and limbs piled up like bodies in GoT.
Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what are they? And where are they located on your body?
Tribal tattoo on my bicep, and yes, it wraps all the way around.
What’s your greatest failure?
Losing an insta follow after she slid into my DMs and I disappointed her in bed.
What’s the link to your IMDB page?
I’m on the show to establish connections in the EBDB, who gives a shit about my IMDB?
Ah dude, what tribe are you from?
An ancient one. You wouldn’t have heard of it.
Showing up the Director of PGP by using “moniker” correctly. PGPM.
Do you have a nickname and where does it come from?
Codes. During college guys created pornstar names for everyone, and Chodes was shortened to Codes for daily use.
What is your relationship with your mom?
Greatest woman alive, but I’ve been doing my laundry since I started sports and living away from her for 8 yrs.
Why would you want to find your spouse on our TV show?
Spouse, no. Fling and fame, sure.
What is your ultimate fantasy date?
CFB Playoff with Penn State or March Madness, VIP for the food of course.
Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what are they? And where are they located on your body?
Negative
What’s your greatest failure?
Sending in articles to PGP to never be published.
What’s the link to your IMDB page?
@NotARealActor
You can’t trust a guy without a nickname
Do you have a nickname and where does it come from?
Muckboot. It started during a hunting trip in Texas and stuck.
What is your relationship with your mom?
Amazing woman. Talk almost daily and believe it or not I don’t remember the last time she did my laundry unless we were on vacation.
Why would you want to find your spouse on our TV show?
I am not sure
What is your ultimate fantasy date?
Deep sea fishing trip
Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what are they? And where are they located on your body?
No
What’s your greatest failure?
Not closing the deal the hottest girl that I went to school with when I had the chance.
What’s the link to your IMDB page?
@