Selena Exalted, Justin Assaulted: She’s Twenty-One, You Guys!

When it comes to love, they say age is just a number, but then again, “they” probably aren’t allowed to come within 200 feet of a school — or a Chuck E. Cheese.


As a postgrad, you really do start experiencing those awful indicators of your conscience’s existence, by thinking things like “But some seniors in high school are eighteen!” So you can imagine my elation when I heard that Selena Gomez (AKA Selena Go-Go, AKA Perfection) recently went on her twenty-one run, erasing any guilt I previously had for thinking that I was attracted to a 17-year-old, whom I also wrote a song for to the tune of “Hey There, Delilah.”

Hey there Selena what’s it like being so pretty?
I enjoyed you in Springbreakers, though overall that film was shitty.
Oh yes it’s true, but I’d give it an Oscar because of you… because of you…


I mean, look at her. She certainly looks young, but she’s clearly giving me the thumbs up to pursue! Though the fact that she has yet to reply to any of my tweets kinda sends out mixed signals. I think she’s just pretty busy with all of her concerts and stuff. Like, c’mon guys, she is a professional singer. Gimme a break, she’ll come around.

In the meantime, I’ve been watching her music videos and Emmy worthy TV appearances non-stop. Well, that and I’ve also been training for the inevitable scuffles J. Biebs and I are going to get in once we’re dating. Though when I remembered that I’m 100% more American than his ice-skating, maple syrup drinking Canuck ass, I stopped wasting my time getting bigger at the gym. I shifted my focus to the amazingly clever and witty insults I’d seemingly come up with on the spot upon Selena and I’s first encounter with the Biebs as a couple:

SCENE: Selena is introducing me to Ethan Hawke after he thanks her for teaching him how to twerk. I’m complimenting his performance in Training Day when the Biebs Posse rolls up. “Baby” is playing.


Bieber: “Aw snap, look who we got all up in here— UP IN HERE!”
Whitest Black Posse Member: “Damn, JB’s droppin’ DMX references like it ain’t nuthin’ to him!”

I stare down the Biebs

Me: “Sup…bitch?”

You know, I gotta wait for my opening, can’t come in too strong. Plus, I just remembered I left my Swiss army all-purpose pocket knife in my ‘94 Volvo and get a tiny bit nervous. I snap out of it though once I remember one of heaven’s angels is on my side:

Selena: “David, c’mon, he’s not worth it. Let’s just get out of here.”

Bieber: “Yeah, dawg. My sloppy seconds ain’t down wit seein’ what she been missin’ out on as of late.”

Bieber lifts shirt showing off new tat of a record, signifying his multi-platinum sales. It looks like a third nipple.

After that retort I have a couple of options: Do I reference that I, in fact, was the first to land the rocket on Venus? No, I can’t betray Selena’s trust and privacy like that. Instead I aim for inciting the scuffle I’ve been preparing for. Plus TMZ just arrived on scene so this shit’s going viral.

Me: “Ha! At least she’s not missing out on HAVING PARENTS.”

I take a low blow. At the time it’s a bit of a gamble, too, as I’m not even sure what the hell the deal with his parents is. Then I realize neither does he, because he’s a little bastard.

Bieber: “Whaaa?! I’ma fuck you DOWN for that one!!”

(Smack-talk is learned a little differently up in Canada.)

Bieber rips off his pre-perforated XL Tall tee and comes at me, perfectly setting me up for my mirror-practiced line. As he approaches I sing-shout:

When you’re ready come and get it!

In rhythm I continue with the “Na, Na Na, Na! Na, Na Na, Na!” delivering spot-on blows, alternating between right-hook, left-hook, right-hook and left-hook, topping off the last two “Na’s” with a haymaker/sack-tap combo.

Keyshawn Johnson comes out of nowhere and high-fives me. It stings really bad but I shake it off. The Biebs Posse carries Bieber away as Keyshawn runs after them screaming expletives and racial epithets. Ethan Hawke joins in as well, finally seizing his own opportunity to yell, “KING KONG, AIN’T GOT SHIT, ON ME!!

Meanwhile, Selena’s waiting for me in the back of our car.


Cue raunchy make-out sesh.

Me:“Alright Selena, now let’s go-go.”

Okay somewhere along the lines this column got all Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver, but bottom line is I’m thankful Selena isn’t jailbait, unlike 13-year-old, prostitute-playing Jodie Foster. I can’t wait to start dating her and to commence the D-Hoov-J-Biebs rivalry.
But first I should probably get back on my meds.

Right back at ya, babe. Right back at ya.

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David Hoover

David Hoover (DHoov206) is a Seattle native who frequently pretends he is Macklemore's younger brother. He talks in the 3rd person because he's arrogant, and was once voluntarily questioned by the FBI in regards to something he tweeted. Gonzaga University alumnus of '13. (Well, he might be short a class but he's convinced no one actually checks for diplomas.)

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