Seattle vs. Denver: How Do They REALLY Match Up?

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Welcome to Super Bowl weekend, girlfriend that is being forced to watch, casual fan, or bandwagon die-hard. I’ll be your guide to the big game. With the top ranked offense going against the top ranked defense, this is a dream football matchup in every way. Unless, of course, you don’t give a shit about football, or worse, your team has already been eliminated. It can be pretty hard to figure out which team to root for in the big game, but because you’re an American, sitting on the fence isn’t allowed. Informed or not, it’s time to make a choice.

While other sites are examining the X’s and O’s of the teams, I’m sticking with the matchups that are the most important to the casual viewer, like food, weather, physical attractiveness, and my grandma. Further, I’m going to use these completely arbitrary criteria to pick a winner in the least scientific method possible.

1. Local Business

Chipotle vs. Starbucks

We’re starting out with the biggest matchup of all, which is the annoyance of being reminded for the millionth time that the guacamole is extra versus the eye rolling irritation of an insufferable barista repeating “venti?” after you order a large coffee as if you’re less intelligent because you didn’t use their pretentious coffee code.

Since that’s a wash, it comes down to the actual product. Chipotle may seem like it has crack-like properties, but as someone arguably in need of rehab, I can personally attest to the fact that caffeine really is addictive. If I had to pick one that I might actually die without, I’m going with coffee ten times out of ten.

Edge: Seattle Seahawks

2. Attractiveness

Broncos Cheerleaders vs. Broncos Players

Even though she doesn’t even watch football, my girlfriend took it upon herself to inform me that Joel Dreesen and Eric Decker of the Broncos are the best looking men in the Super Bowl. Incensed, I did my own Google search, reaffirmed that Katherine Webb is still a goddess, and discovered that the Denver Broncos have a ridiculously attractive cheerleader squad. I’m talking all-time greats here, enough to dethrone the Dallas Cowboys.

What I didn’t find was any real reason to drool over a Seattle lady or jealously hate on a Seattle player. In fact, when I think of Seattle, I’m thinking girls who don’t shave their armpits and guys who look like Kurt Cobain. If that is a completely inaccurate mental image, that is your fault for bad PR, Seattle, not mine. Denver seems to have something for everyone, however.

Edge: Denver Broncos

3. Weather

Sun & Snow vs. Rain & Rain

I have a cousin who lives in Denver and he tells me that you can get your 70-degree sun in the morning and then drive up the mountain and go skiing in the afternoon. That is one of the coolest things I have ever heard. Conversely, Seattle is known for tons and tons of days of lingering rain. In fact, the only thing worse than Seattle’s actual weather is their icy approach to newcomers to their city, aptly coined the “Seattle Freeze.”

Edge: Denver Broncos

4. Uniforms

Orange vs. Electric Lime

Honestly, these are two of the ugliest uniforms in all of pro football. Orange is one of the worst colors in existence and, along with “album,” one of the two words I can’t pronounce correctly. Any time I say it out loud, I sound like Steve the Pirate from Dodgeball. The Broncos uniforms in general, while revolutionary in the late 90’s, are more than a little dated by this point.

Seattle’s, on the other hand, have grown on me. They switched around for years, alternating between “Used Car Silver” and “Blue Man Group Blue” but I think Nike actually did them some justice this time. Their home uniforms are still a little AFL with the blue jerseys and blue pants, but for the Super Bowl they’ll be wearing their white away look. My grandma did say the have “prettier uniforms,” so I’m giving Gram some love.

Edge: Seattle Seahawks

5. Personalities

Peyton Manning vs. Richard Sherman

Well, speaking of uniforms, I was wearing my Michael Crabtree jersey when Richard Sherman trashed him immediately after crushing my team’s Super Bowl dreams, and you know what? I wasn’t mad about it. In fact, Sherman’s interview was the only thing that made me crack a smile after that devastating loss. The guy is brilliant, personable, and has the overflowing confidence you want in a NFL player.

That being said, the Seahawks also have Marshawn Lynch, who is awful when he gives interviews and awful when he refuses to, as well as Pete Carroll, who thinks that 9/11 was an inside job. It’s hard to have Seattle’s back after all of that when on the other side, the Broncos have “Cut That Meat!” superstar Peyton Manning, also known as “the only thing not creepy about Papa Johns commercials.”

Edge: Denver Broncos

6. Mascot

Miles the Horse vs. Blitz the Bird

Given a public stage by ESPN, Blitz the Bird pulled a proper power move by slapping Miles’ books out of his hands in the elevator. Classic. Miles tries to get him back by hitting all of the elevator buttons, but ends up getting chased down the hall by a bird named Blitz instead.

Lost in all of this is that Jay Crawford is the real loser here. He is one of the two people stuck in the elevator after Miles’ button-pushing rampage, he got replaced on First Take by the much better looking Cari Champion, and he actually blocked me on Twitter a couple years ago for making fun of his Cleveland fandom.

Edge: Seattle Seahawks

7. History

Peyton’s Legacy vs. Seattle’s Redemption

Let’s get to the actual game. The Broncos’ masterful quarterback, Peyton Manning, is one of the best quarterbacks of all time. The only thing questionable about his entire record-breaking and position-defining career is him being historically mediocre in the playoffs. As of now, he’s 1-1 in the world’s biggest game, but all of that can change come Sunday if he becomes the first quarterback to ever win the championship with two different teams.

The Seahawks have only been in one Super Bowl before this one and had the unfortunate task of playing against both the Steelers and the referees. The refs threw some phantom flags for pass interference and holding and also let Ben Roethlisberger crawl across the goal line for a touchdown after he was obviously down.

As much as the Steelers don’t deserve that Super Bowl win, Peyton’s legacy doesn’t deserve to catch heat even more. The man is a legend.

Edge: Denver

Conclusion & Prediction

Let’s face it, as a San Francisco 49ers fan, I was never going to pick the Seahawks to win. Liking Richard Sherman, a Seahawks player, makes me feel dirty enough. Still, the Broncos won my matchups 4-3 and are my pick for the title. Would you pick Chipotle over Starbucks? Do you think Russell Wilson is a good-looking dude? Do you like chronic rain? Or Skittles? Or horses? Let me know in the comments using my criteria or your own.

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RogerSterlingJr

I used to write for TFM and PGP when they were funny.

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