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Every year when the calendar turns to March, it happens. Brackets come out, spring training is moving right along, mock drafts are being released every hour, The Masters theme song is constantly playing in our heads, the NHL and NBA playoff races are hot as all hell. It’s paradise for a sports fan. I’m about to burn so much PTO that you’re gonna be able to see my couch from space.
Quick shoutout to the ladies, because it’s 2017, and chicks can dig sports just as hard, if not harder, than boys. Shoutout Brandi Chastain. Shoutout 1999. Shoutout Willennium. This piece is certainly gender inclusive. To all the pissbaby nerds out there who are dealing with a sports babe, you’re on notice as well.
It’s not that I’m not down to snuggle on the couch and rewatch Stranger Things and polish off a $9 bottle of chard with my bb. It’s that this is a beautiful cross section of the calendar when the stars align and I can finally groove that ass crevice into my sectional. This is really it. A month out of the year. If you can have fall and pumpkin patches, I can have Jim Nantz and Augusta.
I need to watch sweaty men bump into each other and budget at least what will amount to next month’s rent towards three brackets, a Masters Calcutta, NHL overs, horse racing and various prop bets that you don’t need to worry about. All I can say is that if just a little over 80 percent of them hit, daddy is taking us on a trip to Cabo in June. If they don’t? What do you mean “if they don’t?” Of course, they will! I can’t have this kind of negativity right now! Brian McGannon picks winners and winners only.
I’m not saying it’s gonna be easy. It’s going to be incredibly difficult to put up with our shit right now. Bathing is optional. The things we eat will be utterly disgusting, but tell me you won’t be impressed watching a grown man with a waning metabolism eat an entire pizza plus wings over the course of 8 hours. Look, this couch is going to be occupado from 5 p.m. on Friday until you drag me off of it to get some vitamin D at 3 p.m. on Sunday.
Do I have a girlfriend right now? No, not at the moment. I recently may or may not have crashed and burned with a certain local news girl, but that’s neither here nor there. This fight is a noble one. I am standing up for my guys on the front lines of the cruelest war there is. The war of managing relationship balance. There’s Charlie everywhere, and I’m here to stand up for the boys/girls.
There very well could be a period of time where we forget that we’re in a relationship altogether. It’s not that we don’t appreciate you, it’s that our minds are occupied with far more important things than your mom’s current fight with one of your cousins about where the family reunion is going to be next year. Tell her it’s Cedar Point and that’s final.
Look, I’m sorry I went off on a tangent. It’s just the time change. We won’t mean half of the things we say. Once this is all over, there’ll only be 150 games left in the MLB season and a few boys trips we’ve been meaning to talk to you about, but that’s not important right now. We appreciate you. We do, but the real world can wait when DJ’s putting for birdie on 16, Kershaw is pitching a no-hitter or the scrappy team from the Mountain West can’t miss from long range against a 3 seed. Can’t deal with it. Too much on our plate.
I promise once this is all over that we can go to brunch with your friends, binge on some Gilmore Girls, split a bottle of Rex Goliath, use my Prime account to order face cream, whatever.
Your king must go to battle. A battle for our sanity. For all that is good about America. It’s only fair, it’s only just. Let us have this. It will be over soon and normalcy will return…until I start betting WNBA money lines in July. .
Image via TBS
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Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
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I can’t wait to go to the bar alone, on Friday. I’m going to watch some hoops, kill some personal pitchers, and 30 wings without wiping my face.
The first Thursday and Friday of March Madness should really be a national holiday
Shamelessly took vacation days on Thursday and Friday. I’m getting fucking annihilated this week.
I took off a while ago, so I could go to my school’s first round game. They ended up in the NIT, oops.
Gonna take a shot in the dark and say you’re a Cuse alum?
I normally do, but my last day of work is Friday so I can’t really take them off. I’d miss my party
As much as I can’t understand why anyone can voluntarily watch golf, I force myself to respect it because I am a different person during the Stanley cup playoffs. Best time of the year.
Especially when your team is in it, there’s nothing better. And even when your team isn’t, there’s nothing better
Best part about your team not being in it is not having to worry about them busting your bracket.
While it is nice to occasionally watch just to watch, some of my favorite sports moments have been those game 7’s and overtime winners. Sure, those moments may result in high anxiety and/or blacking out after a loss, but those wins are worth the near heart attacks
Also, sup?
As a Bruins fan, I live for game 7’s. That is where my guys thrive.
As a fellow Bruins fan, excellent choice and sup back at ya
NurseJackie, sup is apparently sexist now.
“It’s either gambling, binge drinking, or a complete monopoly of our kitchen and living room! You can’t have them all at once.”-her last night discussing the next two months of my life
*cracks beer, grabs remote, log into TVG app on tablet while asking “When is dinner going to be ready, honey?”*
My girlfriend told me that she wanted Giants tickets for her upcoming birthday. As the caring boyfriend, I obliged, while thinking to myself that I may have found my soulmate.
Masters weekend= IPA’s, Poppa John’s delivery and hearing the dulcet tones of Verne Lundquist from the 16th tower. YES SIR
It’s a great time to be a degenerate sports gambler
Sometimes, after a weekend full of sports, when I wake up from my Sunday nap just in time to catch the leaders on the back 9 I feel like maybe this life is worth something and there is a God
Those Calcuttas get expensive…God speed
“Ohh your sister’s wedding is during Masters weekend? I know you’ll make a beautiful bridesmaid, but I’m afraid that Plus 1 box is gonna need to remain unchecked. Send my warmest regards though.”
And that’s why I slept on the couch from Dec. 3 until Christmas Eve.