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Rental Car Options Ranked Worst To Best

Rental Cars

Due to my extensive travels, I’m at Enterprise way more than any normal person should be. They know me on a first name basis, which is simultaneously sad and sweet. On the day I was inspired to write this, my dude Lewis hooked me up with a free aux cord because I always forget one. The employees often fight over who gets to drive me home as a rare chance to get out of the soul crushing office that is Enterprise.

As a steward of the American tax dollar, I never ask for any specific car. This lends itself to getting to drive some pretty interesting cars, because I get the luck of the draw. Sometimes I get a Dodge Charger, sometimes I get a minivan. I’m pretty easygoing, and honestly, I don’t give a shit about cars because their function is to get you from Point A to Point B reliably. What I have done is organized the worst to best, highlighting the “whatever’s cheapest” option at Enterprise.

Nissan Versa

Honestly, fuck this car. I am not a tall guy, but my head almost touched the ceiling. My boss is a tall guy and benches 400 lbs. (he’s a big guy), and he looked like Fred Flintstone in the passenger seat. This thing is like a Pinewood Derby car. Hatchbacks are also the scooters of the car world.

Pro: Gas mileage, can break floorboards and operate with feet if necessary
Con: How much time do you have?

Dodge Grand Caravan

We always had a minivan growing up. My family was the typical white suburban middle class family, driving the kids and the kids of others to sports across the mid-Atlantic, so I’m no stranger to driving a Manvan. The Grand Caravan is spacious, which was great because we had an eight-hour drive with four people and surprisingly good pick up.

Pro: Lots of room, will never get pulled over because it’s a minivan
Con: Driving a minivan

Toyota Camry

Middle of the road solid option. Reliable, great handling, enough room where you don’t feel like you’re in a coffin. I’m never upset when Michael drives this bad boy around the corner at the rental lot. Reliable, affordable mediocrity. It is the Tippman 98 of the car world.

Pro: All around good option
Con: The one I had was yellow. Who makes a yellow Camry?

Toyota FJ Cruiser

I love this car. When I was a pledge, one of the brothers had one. I was running beeper, which sucked, but I fell in love with this thing. It’s like driving a Lay-Z-Boy recliner. Luckily, I was given this car for a long trip (six hours there and back) and complementary satellite radio.

Pro: If I ever had to live in my car, this would be the one
Con: Kind of looks like a Tonka truck

Ford Expedition

I’m a Ford man, so I was pretty fired up getting to drive my Explorer’s bigger brother. All this thing needed was a turret and it was a lightly armored tank. It also had a cooled seat option because any man knows, when you’re driving for some time, your balls get sweaty. Only had this car for a short drive, so I didn’t get to see what she can do as much as I would have liked, but great car nonetheless.

Pro: Would be great light armor in end of the world scenarios, seat cooler
Con: Probably gets sub-5 MPG

Dodge Charger

This car was fucking awesome. Remember that episode of SpongeBob where he has to use his big toe to not “floor it?” If you breathed on the gas pedal in this thing, it went like 70 MPH. Great trunk space, a back up camera because this thing is a boat, and it handled better than any car I’ve ever been in. I have genuinely considered trading in everything I own for this car. The sound system and touch screen, a luxury I cannot afford, were pristine. Also had seat cooler, which is a huge sell.

Pro: This car is the love of my life
Con: Would probably get pulled over a lot

Kia Soul

“Kia Soul, #1? What the fuck, Madoff? There is no way this deserves #1”

Way, friend. This thing is incognito like the minivan, and no one would ever try to steal it. Has great pick up. Solid gas mileage and lots of cabin space. I’ve long held the belief only child molesters drive box shaped cars, but this beauty changed my mind. Maybe my Explorer’s Titanic level turning radius has tainted me, but this thing turns on a dime. Don’t be surprised to see Ben Affleck driving one of these as the new Batmobile in the Justice League movie.

Pro: See above
Con: Loss of friend(s) due to jealousy of this bad boy

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Madoff

I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.

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