Reasons You Are Not Getting A Raise


FROM: Gregory, Paul
TO: Sterling, Roger
SUBJECT: RE: Request for a Raise


The partners and I have received and reviewed your request for a raise as a result of your recent successes on your accounts. While we applaud your efforts and dedication, alternative factors have been brought to our attention that has negatively impacted our consideration of your request. The list of grievances is as follows:

1. Language

We have tried to implement a relaxed culture here at the firm, but at no time is it appropriate to proclaim that a specific task is “worse than cancer,” tell a coworker that their idea is “fucking stupid,” refer to a female client as having “a mean set of hammers,” or question an intern’s patriotism because of his political leanings. Swearing, jokes about serious illnesses, sexual harassment, and disparaging comments about the mentally handicapped or political leanings have no place in the workforce.

2. Appearance

Coming to work clean, professional, and well put together is essential to maintaining a strong corporate culture. Coming to work unshaven, with disheveled hair, smelling of stale cigarettes, and wearing the same attire on Friday as you did Thursday negatively impacts all of those around you. Similarly, hickeys, black eyes, or other facial markings are unacceptable. You represent this firm with your appearance and this is not how we as a company present ourselves.

3. Treatment of Coworkers

It is also worth noting that interns, administrative assistants, and especially the office manager are essential members of the team and are not to be spoken down to. It is not, in fact, the intern’s job to go on “coffee runs,” “lunch runs,” or grocery shopping trips for you or anyone. Similarly, administrative assistants are not to be condescended to as “doll,” “babe,” “sweetheart,” and are not to be addressed as “toots.” Finally, it is not appropriate to call the office manager and tell her to replace your printer paper, bring you your mail, or dust your keyboard. You are fully capable of doing these tasks on your own.

4. Professionalism

With all of the above, it is also worth noting that you are, in fact, in an entry-level role and should be conducting yourself accordingly. You are not to address me or the other principals as “chief,” “man,” or “dude” and should not answer the phone “What’s up?” or “What’s good?” Work is also a time to do work-related activities. Texting, tweeting, Snapchatting, Facebooking, reading humor sites, or writing nonsense is absolutely not to be done during the workday. It is both upsetting that you do it and upsetting that you do it and are still productive in the process. If you worked as hard as you do for half of the day the entire day, you would easily be twice as successful, if not more.

Honestly, at this point you are lucky to still have a job. We would recommend that you better align your priorities and efforts with those of the team, moving forward.


Paul Gregory
Managing Partner

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I used to write for TFM and PGP when they were funny.

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