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Throughout college, my go-to position to win over a new girl was to lift her up as she wrapped her legs around me. I would perform in this position for about three minutes (I’m not an Olympic power lifter) before going through a variety of other positions I was familiar with or had recently seen in porn and wanted to try. Today, I’m walking with a noticeable limp due to a strained hamstring I received during missionary position on a TempurPedic mattress.
Needless to say, my body has long since crested its peak physical ability and is now in a slow decline that will end with me becoming my father and taking three tries to get off the couch. I know I am not the only one in this sinking boat. I’m sure many of you wish you could fuck like you were nineteen again, but the sedentary “nine to five” lifestyle has taken your strength, flexibility, and available time. So throw out that old Kama Sutra book your creepy uncle got you as a gift for your eighteenth birthday, and check out the hottest positions for us postgrads.
The Lazy Dog
This is just your average doggy-style, but lying on your side. When you wake up on Sunday morning with red-stained teeth from half-off wine night, and know that if you raised your head from the pillow even a few inches you would immediately get the spins and a splitting headache, this is the position for you. The spooning position used in the Lazy Dog really limits the amount of dick able to get inside the woman to about two-thirds of total cock-pacity (laughed out loud while writing that), so neither partner should expect to actually orgasm from this. Basically the guy half-heartedly thrusts until his nonexistent abs start burning and the girl moans and attempts to hide the fact that she’s falling asleep. Then after one or both of you fake it, you get to stay in bed for three hours and wonder if all romance is dead in your relationship.
The “Let Me Put A Towel Down”
This occurs when you decide to spice things up by getting nasty on the couch, you sex-crazed fiends. You’ll be halfway through re-watching a movie you’ve both seen a million times when all of a sudden you realize your usually dormant libido has returned with a vigor. In a second, it’s on.
Your hands are on each other like it’s Formal 2011 all over again, and you’re giggling like two teenagers in the backseat of your parents’ car. Just as you can’t wait any longer, you feel your partner’s hot breath in your ear as they whisper sensually “wait, I just cleaned the couch, let’s put a towel down.” One of you (the guy) will get up and walk to the other side of the house to grab a beach towel, boner wilting like cabbage on a hot July day, and bring it back so you can both have (at this point, unenthusiastic) couch sex.
The (Accidental) Threesome
A few weeks ago, after an extremely boozy brunch, my girlfriend and I returned to the apartment all horned up. She was wearing a sundress, which is my kryptonite, and I was wearing a Patriots jersey and a snapback, which I think she hated so much that she used sex as a pretense to rip it off me. Either way, the second we got in the door, it was going down.
I threw her on the bed and started having aggressive drunk sex, when I heard a voice from the living room. “Are you fucking kidding me guys?! Close the door!” In my haste I had not only forgotten I had a roommate, but apparently started having sex directly in his line of sight as he sat on the couch attempting to study. I laughed. He did not. I mumbled something to the effect of “my bad,” and kicked the door shut so I could continue. That is the Accidental Threesome.
The Late For Work
After going nearly three weeks without sexual contact due to conflicting schedules, you wake your partner up for some early morning nookie before you both have to head to work. You power through each other’s morning breath and immediate desires to go back to sleep for fifteen minutes, and make beautiful, romantic love.
For the guy, this is the longest you have ever/will ever last. All you want to do is have a nice quickie before work to get yourself relaxed and energized for the day, but no such luck. For the girl, you won’t be able to stop thinking about how it’s going to take you three times as long as the guy to get ready, and how late you’re going to be at work. You’ll both roll in to work late, looking like shit, and aggravated from not finishing.
Ladies, picture this. You’re lying on the couch, half watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians or whatever your guilty pleasure is. It’s Friday night, and you know you should head to the bathroom to start doing your makeup because we have a sort-of-friend’s birthday party to attend at some shitty club downtown. Just as you sigh and plant both feet on the ground, ready to make yourself presentable to people you don’t care about, you see me standing in the doorway to the kitchen.
I’ve been trying and failing to pan sear some salmon for the past twenty minutes, and from the loud crash and swearing you just heard, that will not be our pre-bar meal after all. You look up at me as I stand their shirtless, my chiseled abs on display (it’s your fantasy, you can believe that I have those), and I say the words you’ve been dying to hear. “Fuck this party. Wanna get takeout and stay in tonight?” Then we both grub down on a ludicrous amount of Thai food and pass out on the couch. That’s the only position you really need..