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Ranking The Best Dicks

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If you’re anything like me, you constantly rank and re-rank the best Dicks you’ve ever seen or read about. If there’s one hot-button issue going on in America today, it’s “Who’s the best Dick?” I must preface, this is exclusively my opinion. Obviously, everyone has their own Dick preference. Some Dicks just do more for some than others.

It all just depends on how you value a Dick. Some like their Dicks big and bold, others value a brave Dick, and some simply just think the more famous a Dick, the more appealing a Dick. Here’s my take on the best Dicks:

9. Andy Dick

I didn’t hate In The Army Now. As far as Dicks go though, he’s pretty underwhelming.

8. Tie: Dick Cheney & Richard “Dick” Nixon

Probably the most two notorious Dicks on this list. Cheney was notoriously polarizing during his eight-year stretch serving as Vice President for Dubya. Nixon was notorious for generally dickish behavior and his resignation of office. Being a notorious political figure definitely lands you on a list of Dicks.

They also both relished the act of shooting things, as Cheney once shot a guy in the face while Nixon shot his own career straight in the dick.

6. Dick Van Patten

Spaceballs is one of my favorite comedy films, and Dick’s turn as King Roland makes him a worth addition to a Best Dick list. Some quick IMDB research showed me that he was also in Arrested Development, making me wonder if I’ve got him ranked criminally low.

5. Dick Vitale

It’s a list all about Dick, baby! Dickie V is about as split-opinion a Dick as you’ll find on this list. Some people like the over-the-top yelling and silliness that he brings college basketball, sort of like the Lee Corso of college hoops. Others literally can’t wait until they never have to hear him again.

Personally, I’m a big nostalgia guy and even if he can occasionally irritate the nerves, I’ll miss CBB when Dickie V finally decides to put a bow on his career.

4. Dick Van Dyke

A super old Dick, 91-year-old DVD ranks this high simply for the fact that he’s still churning out movies. According to IMDB, he has two coming out next year when most people his age are eating applesauce and shitting into bedpans. If you’re a Mary Poppins fan he might be a contender for one of your best Dicks, but Mary Poppins was never really my favorite Disney flick. However, bonus points for having a show named after himself; potentially the only Dick with that honor.

3. Moby Dick

“Call me Ishmael” begins the famous novel that I will never read, “Moby Dick.” Size-wise, I’d imagine that the book’s namesake, a killer whale named Moby Dick, is the biggest Dick of all Dicks. Like I said I’ll never read a page of this book but this whale probably edges Free Willy as the most famous whale ever, which at least makes him the third-best Dick there is.

2. Dick Butkus

I don’t know what makes him a better Dick; being an all-time great linebacker with the major linebacker award named after him, or having a name that sounds like it came out of Urban Dictionary. You can’t be a Hall of Famer and not also be a Dick Hall of Famer. Any man who leaves the NFL with the reputation of being one of the toughest sons of bitches that ever played on the gridiron deserves the tip of the cap for being a great Dick.

1. Richard “Dick” Winters

If you haven’t seen Band of Brothers immediately stop reading this and everything else you’re doing and go watch all ten hours. Even if you have seen it, stop what you’re doing and go watch it again. The miniseries tells the real life story of the heroes of the 101st Airborne Division, led by Dick Winters.

Major Winters was as respected an American hero as there ever will be, serving from D-Day all the way to the end of WW2, and then training officers for Korea. The strongest of all Dicks went above and beyond in answering his country’s call. As one of the greatest members of the greatest generation, he’s the obvious choice to lead these power rankings.

Image via Joseph Sohm / Shutterstock.com

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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