Questions I Have For Self-Professed “Coffee Lovers”

Questions I Have For Self-Professed "Coffee Lovers"

One of the more intriguing aspects of the digital life is the oversharing that people tend to do with their online profiles. Look at anyone’s Twitter or Instagram account, and you’ll see an array of different identifiers, whether it’s greek letters, a frog emoji, #DCONation and so on and so forth. I’ve always been a little wary of this practice, as I believe it can lead to tribalism. It’s basically asking for people to judge one another on like five words that may or may not be complete gibberish.

On the other hand, it’s SUPER fun to cyberstalk and then rob folks with “MOLON LABE” in their profiles. I like a challenge.

But I digress. One of the more banal things I see are food and beverage preferences in profiles. It straight up pisses me off because IT’S NEVER INTERESTING. I’m looking for personal identifiers that set you apart from the rest of people I’m looking at, not a reaffirmation of the groupthink that bacon is good. I fucking know bacon is good, you nitwit. Yes, pizza is amazing, you’re not special in your love of pizza. At least vegans have to try hard to live their awful lifestyle. Give me something I can work with. I want to know what makes you tick and sets you apart from the rest of the planet. Just once I’d like to see “Proud omphalophobic” or #acrotomophiliac. That would just make my day.

One of the one that fits this category of boring complacency of trying to fit in is “Coffee Lover.” But you know what? Icehouse is compassionate and open-minded, so I’m willing to hear you out. Below are some questions I have from self-identified coffee lovers.

1. Do you choose coffee over other beverages? If you really love coffee are you drinking it all the time? Like say it’s hot out and you already had enough cold brew to make it dangerous for you to operate a motor vehicle, do you get some decaf cold brew, or do you reach for a Sprite? What about after-dinner drinks? Is it always decaf coffee or have you ever tasted port? When you’re out at bars is it always Irish coffee? Just trying to gauge the extent of your “love” here.

2. Can you tell the difference? Is your pallet refined enough to discern between Ethiopian and Cambodian beans? What about the grind, does that make a difference to you? Could you tell between french press and some shit I boiled over a campfire? If I slipped some 2% milk into your latté would you spit it all over the ground and throw it in the face of the nearest barista, then run to the bathroom and force yourself to vomit up the rest? I would enjoy seeing this.

3. What about fair trade? Do you give a shit about human rights abuses, or do you love it enough to turn a blind eye to how it gets into your hand? I’ll go full Cortés Vargas on anyone that threatens or impedes the stuff that I truly love, so I’m just trying to understand if you really ride for coffee or not.

4. Do you hate tea drinkers? I do. I have no reason why, I just find them shiftless and untrustworthy.

5. Is it just to wake you up in the morning? We’re all lethargic, so do you only love coffee because it gives you what you need to start your day? Are you confusing love with chemical dependency? Would you do anything for a fix? If it’s just to keep you awake, I know this guy who sells some pills out behind that gas station with the Wendy’s of I-40 in Dixon, Tennessee. The one up on the hill. You know the one.

6. Are you boring and have nothing interesting to say about yourself? Be honest.

So that’s about it. I don’t understand people who profess to love coffee, I’m just a man out here trying to understand them.

Image via Shutterstock

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International sailing champion and friend to most wolves. Except Larry, he knows what he did.

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