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If you take a gander through my phone contacts and Snapchat friends you will without a doubt find numerous names of guys listed with last names such as “Tinder” or “Various Bar Name.” The hookups and potential suitors of days gone by, if you will. I rarely if ever talk to them and they mainly still exist because I am lazy and never clean things out of my phone, but the chance of contact is there.
This means that every once in a while, especially via Snapchat, a lonely horny dude from my past will decide to reach out and check in on things. You know, try and get in my pants. Then I have to go through the process of shooting them down by explaining that for once in my life, I do have a boyfriend. Sometimes they get salty and end communication, as they should. But occasionally they try and persevere and say we should hang out despite the existence of a significant other. And for these few gentlemen, I have a couple of questions I’d like answers to.
What do you actually hope to accomplish by us hanging out? Basically I need to know if you’re just going to ignore that I’m seeing someone and still try to hit on me the entire time. Just so we’re both on the same page. I mean, I’m all for flirting with strangers for free drinks, but we made out years ago so that falls in a whole new category. A category that most people’s boyfriends or girlfriends would honestly not be a fan of.
Are you trying to lay the ground work in the hopes that you’ll be next in line should my status change to single? If so, why? Look, I also think I’m great, but wouldn’t your time be better spent with girls you could actually take home at the end of the night? There are plenty of ladies perfectly available to share in your affections that you wouldn’t have to wait around for. I’m not saying us hanging out and having a beer would be a waste of your time, but it’s definitely not getting you any action.
If you are going to be low key and not hit on me, does that mean you’re going to legitimately try and be my friend? Because I think the “friend” classification goes out the window considering the last time I saw you, you tried to drunkenly kiss me minutes before last call. And the fact that you offered your house as a place for me to crash after you invited me to the brewery nearby looks pretty suspicious too. I’m really not in the habit of having sleepovers at the houses of dudes I barely know. Perhaps your approach to becoming my friend should be less aggressive if that’s the goal? Just a thought.
Do you think you’re coming off as considerate when you say I should confirm with the boyfriend if us hanging out is okay? Like, I know you actually don’t care about his thoughts or you would realize that your request isn’t the most appropriate. Now, I have never been the type of girl who asks permission to do things, but I can guarantee he would not appreciate it. “Babe, I’m going to drink with this guy I met on Tinder before I met you who swears he only wants to be friends now even though he spent weeks flirting with me!” I imagine that conversation would go so well.
In the end, I’m more confused about the whole situation than anything. The world is a big place filled with endless amounts of chicks to buy drinks for, hit on, and ideally bang at the conclusion of your hang out! Wouldn’t the noble thing be to simply accept your loss on this one and move on? But then again, I suppose I don’t have an irrational sex focused body part that directs the majority of my actions, so maybe I’ll never understand. .
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