Pulp-Free Orange Juice Is For Peasants

Pulp-Free Orange Juice Is For Peasants

Everyone could always eat more fruits and veggies. I’m the guy who goes to the grocery store and buys bananas and then lets them sit on the counter until they’re brown and inedible. I’m the guy who buys a head of lettuce and then lets it wilt away to nothing in my crisper. I basically buy veggies and fruits because I feel obligated to. It’s the one spot in the grocery store that is always guaranteed to have pretty girls hanging around, and I’m always telling myself when I get to the vegetable aisle that this is the week I start eating really healthy. This, of course, never happens, but a guy can dream, right?

There is one fruit, however, that I’m passionate about and truly enjoy eating/drinking on a semi-regular basis. I’m talking of course about the orange, which is good in its own right, but in my opinion is the best in juice form. It’s something I’ll have with breakfast basically every morning and on the weekends a screwdriver is always a good choice.

Orange juice, or O.J., as it’s affectionately called by fans the world over, is a staple at breakfast tables everywhere. It can be enjoyed by itself but also with vodka, champagne, or gin. There are few things better than a freshly squeezed glass of orange juice.

Which brings me to the reason I’m writing this. Pulp versus no pulp is a debate that needs to be addressed. I stood at my kitchen counter last Friday pouring a vodka and orange juice when the topic came up. Let me say up front, before last weekend I had no thoughts on the topic. I just assumed that everyone wanted pulp in their orange juice the way that nature intended.

“Hold on. Does that say high pulp on the label?”

“Why, yes, it does,” I answered matter of factly.

This set off quite possibly the most contentious debate of the last twenty-five years, rivaling only the 2000 presidential election recount and Benghazi for relevance on a national scale. Sides were taken in my apartment last weekend and it wasn’t pretty. The people on team no pulp genuinely thought that when I pulled my bottle of high pulp orange juice out of the fridge that I had purchased it because the grocery store was out of no pulp OJ.

You see, there are apparently people who enjoy drinking orange juice that is pulp free. Don’t sully the good name of orange juice by telling me you’re too good for pulp. Drinking no pulp OJ is comparable to making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the peanut butter. All I can really say to the people who represent team no pulp is, “what gives?”

Orange juice is a drink like no other. But a pulp free orange juice just reminds me of Sunny D. Cheap, imitation orange “drinks” that aren’t allowed to be labeled juices because the FDA and the public at large know they are trash.

And the results from a poll I ran last Friday night? Disturbing to say the least.

What kind of a world am I living in where people don’t want pulp in their OJ? You’re not even drinking real orange juice if there isn’t pulp in it. Give me a glass of pulp. Give me all of the pulp you can fit into a glass. I’ll sprinkle it on my eggs, for Christ’s sake. No pulp OJ is blasphemy and you’re on the wrong team if you don’t stand by me on this one.

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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