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I’ve always thought of drunk texting as a work of art. Anything that makes you throw your hands in the air and say, “Seriously, how am I such a slut?” should be looked at with the scrutiny of critics because it’s pulling such a strong reaction from you.
Keeping all of this in mind, I tied one on too tight last weekend. I had my second wave of St. Patrick’s Day celebrations to go to, which made Saturday an awesome day/night and Sunday feel like hell. I had the pleasure of reading through my drunken regrets on the couch and decided to share them with you all in an organized, ranked format. Here we go.
5.
Message: How good does Olive Garden sound right now?
Sent to: College group chat
Time: 11:43 p.m.
I don’t like Olive Garden. I don’t like their entrees, I don’t like the salad, I don’t like the soup. And yet for some reason, On Saturday night, I needed some fettuccini alfredo in my system ASAP. Unfortunately, I was at my regular bar at this point, and was stuck with the Chicago Tamale Guy. Which brings me to…
4.
Message: Just got aggressively hit on by a dude. Had to call Hillary before shit got weird.
Sent to: College group chat
Time: 12:44 a.m.
This was a first for me. Or at least, the first that I know of. We bonded over a drink at the bar (like most people do) and started talking about how he currently lives in my old college town. And then he came out to me—which, like, whatever. Do your thing, man. And then he drops this bomb on me:
“Yeah, man. That took a lot of courage. I know you said you live around here, so how about a reward?”
I know now that what I should have done was tell him that I wasn’t into it and that I’m straight. At the time, though, my knee jerk reaction was to say, “Oh yeah sorry my girlfriend is calling,” and fake a call with my friend Hillary to get me out of there.
3.
Message: Hey hope you’re well
Sent to: Lizzie
Time: 11:07 p.m.
At the risk of sounding dramatic, we don’t really talk much anymore. That bums me out. I know it’s a two way street, and I should be making more of an effort, but it’s not like we had a relationship or anything in the first place, you know? Either way, I just wanted to know how she was doing. I do hope she’s well. I should probably text her when I’m not on my 9th hour of drinking for the day.
2.
Message: I totally have a crush on you
Sent to: Quinn Truflais
Time: 11:38 p.m.
So, I flirt with Quinn from time to time. She doesn’t really flirt back, which is fine, I get it. Dating is a game at this point and I know she’s just biding her time. But, yeah. Not really an explanation for this one. Mostly just taken aback by the fact that I put that in text message form and sent it off all willy-nilly without even consulting my friends. Also it makes me seem like a child, which is one of the reasons she shot me down. Sup, girl?
1.
Message: Sup? (sent with confetti effects)
Sent to: “The Real World” girl
Time: 3:14 p.m.
Inspired by this tweet:
Yes, I was drunk at 3:14 in the afternoon. It was St. Patrick’s Day and I had just polished off a bottle of Jack Daniels (I’m allergic to Jameson). It was her birthday and I wanted to…help her celebrate. Confetti effects helped. I like to think she laughed. 10/10, would definitely recommend adding some razzle dazzle to your booty calls, now that we have that technology.
Cheers, friends. Wave 3 is next weekend..
Respond
Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
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Congrats on the sex you’ll be having with Quinn.
Since you shaved your beard you can call me in 3 years instead of 5. :*
*sets calendar reminder*
Drunk text from this weekend that didn’t come out the right way…
(Context: found out that my ex is dating someone)
Sent to: my ex
“Do you and your new girlfriend want to come sleep with me.”
Bummer
Woke up. Read drunk texts. Immediately began drinking again.
Cheers.
May I ask how it was supposed to be interpreted? I’ve been trying to figure out in my head what the right way it was supposed to come out was, but I’m truly at a loss.
Also, welcome to Team #DeleteDon’tRead
Well, I like to think that drunk me just wanted to let him know that I knew that he now had a new ladyfriend and also that I was going to sleep. But it sounded more like an offer for a messy threesome.
I get it now, and I have also been a victim of my drunk brain putting texts together in an unfortunate way, so definitely don’t feel alone.
Flirting with the co worker. Classic man. I love it.
Absolutely love the fireworks idea. Thx Charles.
Wow, the content that could result from you and Quinn would be amazing. Go for it, both of you. I’m rooting for this.
Damn, dude, calling out Quinn for not flirting back in an article? Peer pressure is at an all time high.
I wouldn’t say I’m calling her out. It’s all part of a game, man.
I honestly have no idea how to voluntarily use effects. It normally happens accidentally and surprises me every time.
I wasn’t even aware it was an option to do it voluntarily until this article.
If you have an iPhone, you can hold down the send button before firing off a text. Then, it lets you scroll through effects.
What happens when your allergic to Jameson?
Sadness
Been there with the Olive Garden. Sometimes you’re just in the mood for unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks that’ll make you reevaluate your whole life after