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Let’s face it, we all have opinions on bottled water. You’ve got your trash humans who say that tap water tastes the same as bottled water, but these are the same people who shop at Walmart instead of Target and liked Vanessa more than Raven from The Bachelor.
The Best
1. Dasani
I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that when I’m hungover, Dasani water is the only water I drink. I own a Brita filter and yet still drink actual bottles of Dasani water in my bed. Does Dasani water taste weird? Yes. Does it taste like plastic? Maybe. Is it delicious? Yes.
2. Voss
Both bad and boujee. From the name to the cap, this is a 10/10 on the boujee scale. If you’re in the mood to impress someone or close a deal, you drink Voss water. As we all learned in A Cinderella Story, “it’s water from Norway.” If Chad Michael Murray’s fake girlfriend drinks Voss, it’s good enough for me.
3. Fiji
Fiji water is dope. Every time I drink Fiji water I get sad that I’m not in Fiji but then remember that I drink Fiji water so I stop being sad. A friend once told me that Fiji water reminds her that she makes a high but not exorbitant salary. One time I went to the grocery store and bought twelve individual Fiji waters and have never been more embarrassed than when the cashier rang them up without breaking eye contact. The only downside is it doesn’t fit in a fucking cup holder.
4. Ethos
Average taste, but a scandalous story, so it’s ranked fourth. Apparently Starbucks donates $.05 per $2 bottle to help people without water BUT the water came from a drought-stricken area in California. Great conversation starter with your coworkers!
5. Smart Water
This brings very little in the taste category, but it has writing on the inside of the bottle, and I like that. Also, one time a cashier told me while purchasing a $2.29 bottle of Smart Water that “all water tastes the same,” so I’ve been drinking this a lot lately simply to spite that 16-year-old boy.
The Worst
1. Nestle Pure Life
This tastes like soap. 0/10. Also the water bottles make a crinkly noise whenever you drink out of them because the plastic is too thin and cheap and gross.
2. Aquafina
Literally tap water. Pepsi has admitted this. I googled it. Aquafina should be purchased only at outdoor drinking events when there are no other options and you’re about to black out at 2 p.m. in a field wearing a bikini top, jean shorts, and cowboy boots.
3. Any grocery store brand
Neither bad nor boujee. This is an embarrassment. The store just used that gross tap water that you can buy in milk cartons and put it into flimsy water bottles.
4. San Pellegrino or any other sparkling water
Are you in Europe? No. Drink normal water you savage.
5. Evian
This water is trying too hard. People who drink Evian know exactly where it comes from and care. I picture Nick from the Bachelor drinking Evian while jogging in those shoes with individual toes..
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
just @ duda next time
When I’m hungover, I’d drink water from Flint if necessary.
If you spell Evian backwards you’ll begin to understand how dumb we all are for falling for clever marketing schemes for a product that is 75% of the abundance on this planet and falls from the sky for free lol
Just going to leave this here… Dasani was Coke’s answer to Pepsi’s brand Aquafina, and because there is no need for one-upsmanship in the non-alcoholic beverage industry, you guessed it: Dasani is just filtered tap-water, just like Aquafina.
The best and the worst are the same. Time is a flat circle.
The majority of bottled water is straight tap water. Spring water is the only “natural” water, and even that water is essentially tap.
Come to New England. Have Poland Springs. Completely rewrite this article.
Poland Springs >>>>>>>
Came here to say this. Best water out there, boujee or not
I want to upvote this more than once. Poland Springs is the GOAT.
I see PGP has really raised its standards for what they publish…
I love this article
I do agree with the other commenters though, Dasani and Aquafina is just municipal water that’s been filtered with added trace amounts of minerals. For my #1 I’m going Smartwater since it’s been distilled and remineralized with calcium chloride, magnesium chloride, and potassium bicarbonate and contains no fluoride. I love my pineal gland.
Smart water, what the fuck is that shit? You’re more like dumb water because if you were smart you’d figure out a way to water Africa rather than bloviate about mineral content and shit when most people just need some plain H2O.
You can probably apply the “well in Africa…” argument to every one of the articles on this site. I wanted to rebuttal with points on the problems of water being a trans-boundary resource and under-investment in water facilities as well as provide basic solutions like privatization, funding for wells and purifying existing resources but I don’t have the energy on this Thursday afternoon.
Well, I’ve developed Energywater, it’s total bullshit like Smartwater and every other bottled water “brand”, but I’m hoping it will separate fools from their money just as successfully.
Water tastes like water fam.
Aqua Panna would fit the description you gave for Fiji.
Also as an east coast guy where is the love for Deer Park?
The only bottled water that matters is Poland Spring.