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Post-Great War Careers For Your Favorite ‘Game Of Thrones’ Characters

Post-Great War Careers For Your Favorite 'Game Of Thrones' Characters

What happens when it all ends? Assuming Westeros isn’t a frozen tundra ruled by an ice king, the people would certainly have to get back to the daily grind of life. Working whatever jobs they were born to do for the realm, but then I got to thinking… What if the people of Westeros had real jobs just like you and me? Here’s what I assume some of our favorites would be up to after the war.

Bronn

Everyone’s favorite sell-sword, Bronn of the blackwater, finally got his fucking castle. With no mortgage over his head and a steady retirement pension of Lannister gold, Bronn is living the good life.

Podrick Payne

Podrick fucking Payne, the one with the magic cock. After the war ended and the fighting died down, Podrick took to his more noted talents as a line of work. An Adult-film sensation, he has starred in acclaimed films like Ass-or Ahai, Bran the Boner, M.I.L.F (Maester I’d Like to Fuck), and The Dong Night. “The Pod” has become a legendary Westerosi meat-swordsman and the envy of eunuchs everywhere.

Lord Varys

Speaking of eunuchs, our very own Varys has now found himself in a position of power at HBO. Keeping the pulse on what people want to see via his little birds and social network platform, Twitter. Varys will always have the next scoop or find the next hit show because he wants to see what’s best for the realm… however, with the recent leaks at HBO, it’s yet to be seen how much Lord Varys can actually be trusted.

Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish

As a former “Master Of Coin,” Littlefinger knows how to make financial magic happen. He works people’s own emotions and deepest desires to his own financial advantage. Initially a lower lord with just one small used car lot, he’s now built himself an empire and owns four mega-stores with nearly every brand. In his own words, “Chaos isn’t a pit. Chaos is a huge sale. Many who try to beat my prices fail and never get to try again. The sale breaks them. And some, are given a chance to climb. They buy, they don’t cling to the realm of high prices. Illusions. Only the sale is real. The sale is all there is.”

Jon Snow

He’s now gotten a sweet gig as a spokesperson with Ancestry.com. After finding out that R+L=J and his heritage made him the rightful heir to the Iron Throne, he’s kicking himself for not using ancestry in the first place. All of this chaos and bloodshed could have been avoided if he had just paid the $79 and gotten the kit. However, for some odd reason he still can’t convince the Lannisters to buy any.

King Joffrey Baratheon

Still a dead cunt, and all of his statues have been removed.

Sandor “The Hound” Clegane & Hotpie

After the great war ended, these two met by chance at the Crossroads Inn. Hotpie had recently come up with a new dish thought up by Cersei for a chicken who had wronged her. At her request he was to “Crack her unborn children into a bowl and whip them around in front of her, butcher and quarter the foul bird, dip her in the yolks of her unborn, flour her, and then drop her into a vat of boiling oil.” He then served it to Clegane one night. He ate the entire fucking chicken, and was so impressed, that he propositioned Hotpie about opening up their own restaurant on the spot. Knowing that “Cersei Fried Chicken” would be a bad brand name, they had to develop a name for their franchise. While they were brainstorming a branch fell from a tree striking Clegane on his head. Cursing the “Cunt tree” that hit him, they founded Clegane’s Cunt-tree Fried Chicken that day. As of now they own 20 stores in three kingdoms and are most noted for their 5 schilling fill-up lunches.

Jorah Mormont

Word eventually spread of Jorah defeating his bout of grayscale. With his honor forever tarnished from his slaving days, he took up the second least respected avenue of business behind slaving, MLM marketing. Claiming essential oils were the direct “cure” for his grayscale, and that vaccines did more harm than good, he solicited nearly every single person he could find to join him in selling essential oils that, “Totally work!”

Tyrion Lannister

Tyrion set out to follow his dreams once his services to the queen were no longer needed. He purchased a few hundred acres in the now vacant reach and opened up his own winery and transformed the castle Highgarden into a strip club, renaming it “Thigh-Garden” His signature wine, “The Imp’s Delight,” is a cabernet sauvignon with rich notes of fruit, golden honey, and oak.. It’s said to rival any Dornish wine and according to Tyrion, “Will get you drunker than Thoros of Myr!”

These are a few of my favorite characters and what I assume they’ll be doing if they’re not killed off by the show in the episodes to come.

Give our wildly popular GoT podcast, Oysters, Clams, and Cockles a shot:

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Ben Jammin

Average American dude. Above average cook. Sub par writing.

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