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You feel your eyes grow heavy as you try to focus on the storyline. Someone is trying to rob someplace but due to personal problems, things are going wrong. Or wait. Things are going right? Did you miss something?
It’s 10:48 p.m. on a school night. I love how we can still say “on a school night,” and you know exactly what I mean. There’s still that anxiety that ripples through your body at around 7:45 reminding you that tomorrow you have to wake up, wipe your ass, and be a functioning member of society. Whether you’re a psycho 5 a.m.-er who spends time working out, meditating, and jerking off, a normal 6:30-7 a.m.-er, or a lazy 8 a.m.-er, it doesn’t matter. Tomorrow is going to come way too soon, and right now? The clock is creeping into the territory of “I’m going to be fucking tired tomorrow” like a dose of melatonin.
Still, you agreed to this. You told whomever it is on the other end of the couch that you’d dive into a cinematic adventure. It’s important to them and honestly, you really weren’t in the mood to be entertaining so this way, you can just stare at a screen and give occasional grunts of interest.
That said, the half bottle of pinot you had with the half of a pizza you split for dinner is settling nicely in your tummy, and the wine has officially gone to your head. Your eyes are painfully prickly and each blink is lasting longer than the last. Trying to shake yourself out of your stupor, you take a sip of water and give an insightful comment about the film.
“I bet he’s really the villain.”
Boom. Nailed it. You lean back in victory, knowing that your interaction granted you a good 5-10 minutes of reprieve. As you snuggle down into the Ikea couch and readjust the insanely soft throw from Target over your legs, you feel your body unwind. It’s been a long week. Your boss was such a dick and you have a ton of work to get done before happy hour tomorrow. Still, you know you can get it done as long as you’re productive tomorrow and get enough sleep tonight. Should you do beer tomorrow? You lost a few pounds and honestly, drinking carbs might set you back. On the other hand, it’s been a while. You envision ordering a dark lager as the hot bartender tells you it’s on the house. As she leans forward with the beer, her long dark hair partially covering her face, you see her —
“Are you asleep?”
Your eyes immediately snap open and frantically try to focus on where the voice came from. From the other end of the couch, you see the accusing look on their face. The look that says “you don’t care about me enough to stay awake for a 90-minute movie.” Your brain scrambles to coordinate with your mouth and create a plan that will get you out of this mess. You try to think of the last glimpse of the film you caught and give a vague description of where the action is at.
“What? No! The main guy, what’s his name? John? He just hooked up or whatever with that girl. I’m watching!”
Their face softens slightly, somewhat satisfied while still suspicious. You breathe out a silent sigh of relief for managing to get the predictable plotline correct and nestle back into the couch, only to repeat the cycle three more times before the credits roll and you’re found snoring into the throw pillows.
I’m not sure what it is, but falling asleep mid-movie or TV show is just about the worst thing you can do in a relationship. Well, maybe like, murder or cheating would be up there. But falling asleep is a close third. You can never just admit that you passed out. You have to defend your honor by shouting out plot points and giving details about the characters, all while your bleary eyes give you away. And the whole time, the other person is staring at you like they don’t even know you. They don’t even understand you.
The worst part? There’s no cure for this. There’s no solution. All you can do it hope you give the right answer when you’re interrogated with “what just happened, then?” or risk spending the rest of the night on the couch. While we could all agree to just chill TF out if someone passes out when we put on our favorite films, we know that’s not possible. It’s a personal affront, and no matter how cool you are, nothing is as hurtful as sharing something so special with someone, only to see them drooling on your couch cover 15 minutes into it. Still, whatever the punishment is for ruining movie night, it’s better than being too tired for happy hour, right?.