[NOT] Me For President

For some reason, I’ve always kept the idea of running for public office at some point in my life in the back of my mind. It was never a primary goal of mine to become the president or anything like that, but I thought that maybe one day, I’d get fed up enough with how fucked up things are and declare that I’d do everything that I could to change the world around me — until recently. Of course, I’d still like to singlehandedly make the world fucking awesome, but I’ve realized that there’s absolutely no way in hell my past decisions and who I am today would allow me to successfully run for office.

I think the most obvious thing people would be concerned about when running for office would be drunken photos from college. There are so many of me floating around the interwebs, and I know there are a bunch of you, too. To make things even worse, you have no idea where those pictures are, who posted them in the first place, and who has them now. I sometimes get nervous about them popping up on my Facebook newsfeed for my mom to see, so imagine them being plastered all over CNN and TV commercials, with the caption “Is THIS who you want to vote for?” Just save yourself the embarrassment. Although, I think it would be pretty hilarious to lose an election because of the time I may or may not have stripped and made snow angels outside of my dorm.

You can’t even delete all of the awful drinking pictures from when you thought you were hot shit that are STILL on your Myspace profile, because you don’t know your password or email address! Good luck remembering that, >_<

Since I’m on the topic of remembering things, my memory fucking sucks. I could be in a meeting about the fate of the free world and have no fucking clue what was going on. They’d be all, “If you remember from last week’s meeting, everyone’s future rests in your hands,” and I’d be all, “Huh?” Think about how great it is to NOT have that responsibility. “Sir, the governor of South Dakota is holding for you.” Chances are, everyone’s answer to a statement like that would be, “Who the fuck is that?” Avoid the situation and continue not to know or care who the hell most people are.

Beyond that, I’m sure the amount of dumb shit that I’d have to deal with on a daily basis would be way too much for me to handle. I don’t mean that like I’m some hardass, no-nonsense guy who makes you tremble every time you’re in my presence. I’m a fucking clown, and I laugh at absolutely everything. But as soon as anyone starts saying some dumb shit around me, annoyance is written all over my face. To be honest, that’s not a quality that I feel the need to work on. It’s pretty great. If you’re the president, you can’t really just say, “Oh my GOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDD, you’re so annoying,” can you? Reserve your right to tell people to fuck off.

I really don’t think anyone our age is any worse than the old farts running shit now, but I think the technology that we’ve all gotten used to ends up essentially screwing us. It’s like all of the conveniences that we have at our fingertips are the best and worst things for us. The problem is that we’re constantly being warned against living our lives how we want to, because it’s ultimately going to come bite us in the ass.


Did I just describe pretty much every politician ever? I don’t even know what just happened, but I’m fucking going for it. I could easily be Joe Biden. He gives NO fucks, and I think of him as an uncle.

OMG. Rob. Fucking. Ford. This is happening.

Fuck everything I just said. Run for office!

If it doesn’t work out, make the world better by doing something really useful, like inventing alcohol with no calories. Is that a thing yet? Can someone get on that?


Image via Shutterstock

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It's a weird life, but it's where I'm at right now.

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