National Food Days Can Go To Hell

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Today, July 16th, is National Corn Fritters Day, which begs the question: Why the fuck do we have a National Corn Fritters Day?

Maybe it’s because I’m from the north, maybe it’s because I hate foodies, or maybe it’s because I’m just ignorant, but I had to Google what a corn fritter is to know exactly what I was dealing with once I saw this on Twitter.

National food holidays exist solely so mouth-breathing idiots have an excuse to eat their favorite junk food while simultaneously posting a photo or tweet about how excited they are that it’s National Whatever-The-Hell-You’re-Eating Day. I don’t care if it’s National Date Nut Bread Day (September 8), National Fluffernutter Day (October 8), or National Melba Toast Day (January 13). These days are completely made up, and, as an educated member of society, you should have the self-awareness to not indulge in them.

You saying that it’s National Lobster Day on June 15 carries about as much weight as me saying that it’s National Thin Crust Pizza Day on January 22nd, which it isn’t because it’s actually National Blonde Brownie Day. I’d say you can’t make these days up, but you can, because someone made all of them up.

I don’t need it to be National Prime Rib Day (April 27) to enjoy a juicy slab of grass-fed beef. Because guess what — in my world, every day is National Prime Rib Day. Here — for clarification purposes, the following is a list of holidays that I actually honor and celebrate in chronological order: New Year’s Day, MLK Day, Valentine’s Day, Easter, Memorial Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Oh, and any holiday that my employer deems important enough to give me the day off for, because who am I to tell the person that pays my bills what to do?

But when I hear someone discussing the excitement surrounding National French Fry Day (which was Monday), it has the opposite effect on me. It not only makes me want french fries less than I already do (onion rings and curly fries over everything), but it makes me lose respect for the guilty party because they’re embarrassing themselves by getting jacked up about some fictitious day that the internet conjured up.

We already can’t handle our holidays as is — Cinco De Mayo, Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day. I’m not a fan of blanket statements, but none of us have respect for what any of those holidays actually stand for. We’re all just looking for an excuse to overindulge in margaritas, candy, and green beer. And frankly, that’s fine. You deserve to indulge in those things. You just don’t need to be told when to do it.

Newsflash: our country is free as hell, and you can exercise your free will to do whatever the hell you want, whenever the hell you want. Take off your internet-clouded glasses and see the light, guys. You don’t have to wait until October 4th to enjoy National Taco Day and National Vodka Day.

But props to the rad dude that scheduled those on the same day. You know he chills. .

Image via Shutterstock

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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