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This happened a few weeks ago as you will soon find out, but I’m still shook. Shook to my very core and I just don’t know how I go forward from here.
I’m not a guy that usually dwells on this type of thing. I’ve dealt with this kind of shit all my life. It just comes with the territory of being me. Want to make fun of my doughy physique? Good luck. When you’ve been the chunky kid since kindergarten there isn’t a fat joke I haven’t heard. My crooked teeth? Like I give a damn. You really think I couldn’t have spent the money by now to get that fixed if I was really worried about it? Nah fam, the orthodontist ain’t putting his kids through college on my dime. No way, no how.
Somehow though, despite a lifetime of being the constant butt of a joke, despite having to develop phonebook-thick skin by middle school, my wife managed to crush me completely without even meaning to do it.
As I’m sure most of you know, there was a royal wedding recently. Many of you, like me, either didn’t give a shit or had the most passive of interest in it. Maybe you read the headline on CNN and that was about as far as it went. Not my wife though. She wanted to see it. Something about a girl getting her childhood fairy tale to come true in real life or some shit like that. Whatever, you know? Happy wife, happy life. I’ll find something else to do. It was the same thing at the last royal wedding some years ago.
So I’m popping in and out of the garage, just doing my thing. Those shelves aren’t going to build themselves, you know. But, because I’m easily distracted by the talking magic picture box, I stop to look. Here’s where I started making mistakes folks. If only I could take it all back.
“Guess she didn’t completely win the lottery did she?” I ask about the new princess. I am of course referring to Prince Harry. I ask this because I remember the last royal wedding where every woman in America was gushing over the other prince and next-in-line to the throne, William. As I recalled, women were not at all enthralled with the younger of the two princes.
“What do you mean?” my wife asks innocently.
“Well she has to marry the ginger to be princess. The other one got to marry the good looking one,” I reply. I’m really setting myself up here. I didn’t know it at the time, but I would soon regret my decision.
My wife scrunched up her face. “William hasn’t aged well.”
I couldn’t stop myself friends. I wish I would have. But as a man that also considers himself as ‘aging’ I just had to ask.
And then she did it. She dropped the bomb. Six little words that destroyed me in a way I hadn’t thought possible. “He’s losing all of his hair.”
Don’t judge her too harshly, guys. She knows not the power she wields. I don’t believe she destroyed me as a man with malice in her heart. I truly believe she didn’t know what she was doing when she did it.
I was stunned. I hung my head in shame. And then she knew what she had done. She KNOWS how I’ve been self conscious about me losing my hair. It was just a slip of the tongue….I think…..but the damage was done. Please see the picture below.
That’s me. Where I use to have a forehead, I now have a five-head as my hair recedes. What’s there, is thinning, like a mature forest where only the very oldest and strongest still survive, but they too will soon succumb to father time. A classic horse shoe is starting to take shape and there is no stopping it. A slow but sure death-march to baldness.
Go ahead and take a quick google search for Prince William. We have pretty much the same damned hair right now. Since he’s not ‘aging well,’ that means that I’M not aging well. Except I won’t be inheriting the throne any time soon. I will turn 32 next month folks and my life is over.
So where do I go from here? Do I just shave it all and embrace the baldness? Go out on my own terms?
And how do I go on with my wife? She’s going to leave me, right? That’s pretty much a given at this point. Do I just give her divorce now? Let her find someone new? I still love her and want her to be happy. Maybe that would be best for everyone.
If you need me, I’ll be crawling into a bottle of bourbon while I Google if Rogaine actually works. Farewell cruel world..
Image via Isaaack / Shutterstock.com