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Growing up, it was always easy. At least, I think it was. It’s hard to remember at this point. Still, there are flashes that lead me to believe it was easy. As the baby of the family and the only girl, I grew up surrounded by the love of my two older brothers. We weren’t best friends by any means, they had their shit and I had mine. But when we were little, our days revolved around each other. We played made up games like Grave Robber and Raptors (my poor mother) and spent the evenings sitting side-by-side, watching The Simpsons and laughing when anyone else laughed, even if we didn’t fully grasp the jokes.
My brothers shaped me. I didn’t even realize it until recently, but when I was little, I took their opinions as law. We only listened to country music? Done. We loved Jurassic Park? On it. We teamed up against our parents in board games (until someone had to inevitably turn into a traitor, of course)? It was a given.
My childhood was spent staring up at those two boys in wonder. We weren’t the classic siblings that bullied each other, and we weren’t the ones that loved each other endlessly, either. We were somewhere in the middle. Just a normal relationship between people who had the same parents. Still, there are standout moments. The time we went on a fishing charter and my brother asked the captain not the gaff the fish because it made me cry, or how we’d spend Christmas Eve night all curled up in my room, whispering and listening to the sounds of Santa dragging presents down the hall. They’re small, sweet moments. Like hard candies. When I think about them they melt in my mind, engulfing me in a warm nostalgic feeling mixed with twinges of sadness. Because children grow up. We grew up. And things don’t, haven’t, and can’t stay the same.
We moved away. We talked less. We saw each other on most big holidays, when we’d spend a few days wearing our old high school t-shirts and sitting in the kitchen we grew up in, but that was about it. Other than the occasional text and the birthday gift from Amazon, that’s where our adult relationships anchored.
Which is why it’s been painful for me to realize over the past few years that I don’t know these people. Not even a little bit.
Sometimes I feel ashamed. Embarrassed, even. I mean, how could I let it get to this? There’s no rule that says you have to stay close with family or siblings or even parents, but I guess I thought it would just happen. That’s not to say I don’t know anything about them. I know their favorite desserts at Thanksgiving, and I know that they both work out a decent amount (obviously not genetic). I know what their favorite dinosaurs are (dilophosaurus and velociraptor, respectively). But other than these small, trivial facts that I can pull up to prove I’m not a total shit sister, that’s really all I’ve got.
I don’t know what they’re truly afraid of, and I don’t know what their dreams consist of. I don’t know how to call them up and just talk, like friends. Because they aren’t my friends. We never got to that point in our relationship.
And that is fucking painful. I see friends with the sibling relationships I crave — the ones where they call each other on the phone often and laugh about their lives together, as buddies. The siblings who don’t know what small talk is, the ones who plan trips to see each other just because, and the people who have the bond that siblings are “supposed” to have. The bond I always thought I’d have.
Now, this isn’t supposed to be a sob-story. I’m not looking for pity or words of encouragement. In fact, I want the opposite. I want anyone else out there who feels alone in their family, isolated in their relationships, to know that you’re not the only one. But more than that, I want you to know: It (most likely) isn’t too late.
That’s what I’ve learned from going to therapy (didn’t know I go to therapy? I go to therapy. I love therapy. I will talk to you forever about therapy. GO TO THERAPY). Now, sometimes there are situations where the relationships have to fade away. Maybe there’s too much toxicity there, or maybe for self-preservation, you need to sever ties. But if the reason you’re not close with your family or siblings is because you don’t know how to be, then I’m going to call bullshit on your asses.
For the past year, I’ve actually started trying. I’ve made the awkward phone calls, and I said the awkward truths. I’ve admitted to one of my brothers that I know nothing about him, and in a moment of vulnerability, I told him I wanted to be closer. It was weird, sure. But for the first time in, well, our entire lives, we now talk. I mean, we didn’t grow up in a family where safe discussions of feelings happened or admitting your shortcomings were welcomed. We’re both new to this. Still, we try to connect once every week or so and when we do, we don’t just stick to the easy stuff. We’re trying to actually TALK. About our lives, our fears, and our dreams. Sometimes it’s weird. But now, finally, it’s starting to feel somewhat natural. Good. Comforting, even.
I think we’re starting to become friends.
It’s going to be awkward. It’s going to be bizarre and uncomfortable and foreign. You’re going to have to realize you have no fucking idea who these people are before you can get to know them, and that’s okay. That’s part of it. But if you wake up one day realizing you don’t know your brother’s goals, your sister’s fears, or your siblings beyond what their favorite colors were back when you were 12, it’s time to do something about it. It’s time to cut the shit and start talking..
Respond
Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
I’m sorry for these feels RV. That’s tough stuff. I feel thankful almost daily that my brothers are also two of my best friends and we all live within 30 minutes of each other, even as move on with our lives. Remember folks…no amount of friends, good times, alcohol or anything else can replace the love/relationships with family (especially siblings). If you have a close relationship with your siblings, tell em you love them to death…if you don’t I hope you can rebuild those relationships…including you RV. Happy emotional Monday everyone.
With 4 siblings spread out across the country, the group text is a must. Everyone ripping on everyone and still keeping the group up to date with their lives. Would highly recommend you try it.
This is exactly how my relationship with my younger brother is and I’ve been jealous of my friends who have siblings closer in age and have a best friend type of relationship. We are seven years apart in interested in totally different things. I’m more analytical and went into banking (regulation). He’s very much into physics, coding, computers in general and wants to go to work for Space X or NASA; something that allows him to build rockets when he graduates from college. He can also speak a foreign language fluently and no one else in my family can say more than a few words of Spanish. I was thinking about this a few months ago and realized that in the past, I made fun of him a bit because he was so into computers and science and I wasn’t. Since then I’ve tried to be more inquisitive of him when he talks about whatever he’s studying. Now that we are closer in maturity levels, we’ve gotten a little closer. We got together over FaceTime (live 6 hours apart) and watched the Falcon Heavy Space X rocket launch and he was explaining to me what all was going on at different points in the launch stage. Reading this has made me realize I need to just talk to him more and stay in better contact.
I almost feel that my brother and I (4ish years apart) are better friends when we are apart. Things just tend to get frustrating/awkward when we are in the same place. It is sad
Couldn’t agree more on this. Both my brother and I (also 4 years apart) move a lot for work. So the few times we get to spend together are some memorable ones.
4 year apart brother nation stand up
My little brother is/was “that other kid that lived with my family” and I’m sure he’d view me the same. We are 5 years apart, never been in the same place in life, even now as adults. I’m the oddball of my friend group that all seems to have super great relationships with their siblings but I think your sitch/my sitch is more common than people will admit.
I told a few coworkers that Id give up my career path to live close to/ with my brother- they thought I was crazy. I guess I don’t understand why some people aren’t closer to their siblings (unless one is a psychopath asshole) but i feel for those that aren’t. Growing up my dad preached “you’re brothers, he’s all you’re gunna have after we’re gone” after we fought and I guess that stuck.
My dad still says this to my brothers and I nearly every time we’re together. It’s both obvious and critical – like so much of the advice parents give. Took me too long to understand and heed this advice, but being friends with your siblings is such a blessing.
I’m an only child, but my extended family is extremely close and I grew up with three younger cousins, two of whom are like my younger sisters (they’re 2 and 4 years younger than me). The third cousin, who’s only six months younger than me, and I have never been close and I’m not sure why, especially since she’s the older sister of the cousin that’s 4 years younger than me.
Part of me wants to reach out to her, as you did with your brothers, but part of me wonder about why should I be the one to reach out and not vice versa. It’s a tough dilemma that I’m not sure how to solve. I know that most people will say to be the bigger person and be the one to reach out, but for some reason, I can’t get past that.
You honestly have nothing to lose. If you reach out and she doesn’t really respond, you’re now viewed as “the good guy” throughout the family.
Maybe a big part of it is that you’ve reached this realization that you want to be close and she hasn’t yet. Like Rachel said, she just came to this realization that she wants to be closer to her siblings, but it took her some time. You’ve gotten to this mindset and you should reach out before it’s too late. Life is short, you never know when you’ll lose someone you’re close to.
Very true points from you and Cube. There’s more family drama than I let on, but I’m not going to air it out on PGP. But I will take your guys’ points into consideration.
I think your observation is the truest. You can’t make someone realize they miss you and want a relationship until they decide it. It’s just hard being in the limbo place before they do finally reach that point. And hopefully no bitterness enters in during that “waiting” period, which would be where I am currently at..
I didn’t realize how far I drifted apart from my sisters. But I went through a really tough breakup last year and moved home for a bit and I was back to seeing and being around them every day. I didn’t realize how much I missed them and now we’re even closer than before. It’s a little weird at first, I get that, but totally worth it. Since I moved back out we make it a point to FaceTime and talk on the phone and text.
Well, glad you’re on the road to developing relationships with them. My brother and I are roomies and we’ve become so close and hang out with each other’s friends. It’s been really fun. Don’t have as frequent of contact with my sister but can always pick up the phone to catch up.
And we’re all degenerates who are single so we connect over that.
Thank you for talking about this. This really speaks to me. My brother and I have had a bit not so great relationship. We fought a lot verbally when we were younger. As we’ve gotten older things have gotten better. We live near each other and see each other frequently as he often comes home, but we rarely talk much. He’s very reserved and used to be a bit of an asshole. Idk if he’s on the spectrum at all or has some other behavioral issue. And to be honest I’m not sure if I want to be closer to him or not.