My Retirement From Weddings

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Dear Soon-To-Be-Married Friends,

I want to start by saying that I love all of you wholeheartedly, but I am attending my final wedding this weekend, and I will not be attending yours. I’m sorry.

It’s not you, it’s me. I just can’t do it anymore. There are just too many of you. I know it’s your special day, and we’re old friends, but you multiply that by nine or ten other people a year, and that’s a fifth of my weekends — a twenty percent decrease in weekend life enjoyment just doesn’t make sense for me right now.

I have a lot going on with work and stuff, and, you know, scouting for a bride of my own. Every day of the week is spent trying to give it a solid go in this crazy world, and then when it’s finally the weekend, I just need to do what I want to do for a bit. It’s the little things, like wearing a t-shirt for 48 hours, that I need. That’s really the cornerstone of what I want to do on my weekends, and unfortunately, you’re unable to accommodate that.

I swear I will always be a lifelong friend that is there for you for no matter what life throws your way. Say you and your soulmate were to fall on hard financial times, then my guest bedroom is yours. If I have a lead pipe lock of a stock tip, I’m emailing it to you without hesitation. If you’re feeling lonely and want to send a humorous meme my way, chances are I’ve seen it. I’ll still laugh, and I’ll hit you right back with a funnier one. And God forbid your son is scared to stay down on a hard grounder, because I’ll be there in an instant with a bucket of balls, six feet of rope, some zip ties, my fungo, and a foolproof cure for fear.

Let’s be totally honest — if I did attend your wedding, we would only talk for two minutes as you block out most of my words and scan the reception critiquing the execution of the cake cutting itinerary and deciphering who is most important to say hi to next. Let’s make it easier on both of us and just let me get an excused absence on this one. We’re friends, remember?

And speaking of friends, a shitload of them AND your family will be there to make it a wonderful wedding. I promise you that. But you know how close we really are. I don’t need to see you kiss the bride from the nosebleeds. I watched you two drunkenly make out for 45 minutes at a bar from across the booth BEFORE you decided you actually wanted to start dating her. A before kiss comes before a first kiss, ya know?

Believe me, I’m thinking of you and your bride­-to-­be every single day. Your Save The Date magnet is holding up the 2015 Dallas Cowboys schedule on my refrigerator, and I open that fridge like twenty times a day. Every time I grab a snack or a cold one, I see those two smiling faces, a Week 1 matchup with Eli and the Giants, and I wish nothing but the best for you and the ‘Boys.

Look, if I’m in the area, and I’m feeling it when I wake up that day, I’ll drop by. Might I suggest putting a “maybe” option on your wedding invitations like my Google Calendar and Evites have. These are mega corporations that believe in the importance of the “maybe,” so “maybe” you could, too? I understand you have to plan for the seating and all, but just make a “Maybe Table.” If it’s empty, half empty, or full, who cares? That’s where all the cool chill people will be anyway. Life of the party (reception).

Seriously, it’s an honor to receive one of your coveted invites and be cut in on that open bar, but I have one of those at my house already. And your favorite salmon dish and bouquet of fresh seasonal vegetables with golden fried potato croquette sounds incredible. I promise to hit up my butcher that day and demand the freshest salmon filet they have in your honor. Hell, I’ll get three salmon filets because one usually isn’t enough to get me full. Plus my table has a bottle of Sriracha. You understand.

Your Friend Forever,

Ryan “Will Not Attend” Young (formerly known as Ryan “+0” Young)

PS. What’s the wedding hashtag? I want to see how large Jenny has gotten and how drunk Will gets.

And I’ll leave you with a parting video, a heartwarming Best Man pic, and a highlight reel of my Hall ­Of ­Fame garter catching career to remember me by. Roll credits.

It’s been fun..

Image via Shutterstock

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Ryan Young

Founder/Chief Creative Officer GRANDEX INC. In this life, I want to master my own brain, pump iron, make the lives of everyone I encounter better, battle business thru gut instinct, make as many people laugh as possible, make the Senior Hooters Tour, fight for good, and get into heaven.

• @NorthAustinRyan