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Recently (last few months), there’s been a change. For 2.5 years, it’s been smooth sailing for the most part, besides my first day of work when someone pissed on the floor in front of the toilet, causing me to drop trou into someone’s ice-cold piss. Always bring a spare pair of pants to work.
Around a year ago and a half ago, construction took place in my sleepy side of the building. Once the workers finished, a slew of new offices were added knocking everything out of equilibrium.
The trouble started around 4-5 months ago. When I read Harrison’s memento to his foregone toilet, I realized that I was in the same boat. The Throne, my favorite shitter, has been defiled, disgraced and treated like garbage. It doesn’t stop there.
What really sucks is my bathroom was a sacred place. I knew the cleaning people’s schedule and knew that when I rolled in around 8:30, at 9:00 when I was ready for my coffee related morning growler, the toilet would be freshly cleaned with no piss on the seat or trace of use. For the last few months, someone has been jumping my route and leaving residue and skid marks ranging from “they had Indian food the night before” to “motorcycle crash at 100 MPH.” It’s been highly defeating for my office morale and it’s only getting worse.
Some of you may follow me on Twitter and have seen my disparaging remarks about the state of my favorite bathroom. I couldn’t quit on something that has given me so much. Never a fair-weather fan, I’ve made it my mission to shit in the Throne. Some days I’ll get that pleasure but lately, it seems that the Phantom of the Shitter lives here because I rarely can get there before he does.
What truly blows is that, like a plague or bad case of herpes, this problem is spreading. Too many times have I gone to take my morning piss only to see no one has flushed beforehand. It’s really gross standing over the urinal worrying whether or not another person’s piss is going to splash on you. Sure, it’s not that hard to flush first and I often do, but why should I have to do it for someone else? Why have things gotten so bad in the world that I can’t even empty my bladder without a moral dilemma unfolding before I even unzip my pants?
The Phantom’s most recent bathroom infraction is unforgivable. It’s like someone knows I love the Throne and is toying with me. Three of the past six days at work, someone has left shit in there in varying levels of decay. It takes a pretty warped individual to not flush their shit. I work on the same floor as MDs, PhDs, and nearly everyone has some form of education. You wouldn’t expect this from learned people. Not so fast my friend. It really demoralizes one of my favorite parts of the day, knowing some trickster degenerate left a floater, often sullying the water with that nasty decaying shit color and ruining it for the rest of us.
There’s also the issue of people not washing their hands. I don’t know about you, but in a bathroom where people can’t even be bothered to flush the toilet, I use my shirt to open the door. People leave their used paper towels on the floor if they miss the trash can. Where is the decency? We live in a First World Country. This isn’t India and we don’t have designated shitting streets.
It’s definitely getting worse. I have yet to find a turd in the lobby like my man Delph, but I feel one day, sooner or later, someone is going to drop a chocolate hotdog in the urinal. People, have some respect and common decency in the bathroom. I beg, nay, plead with you. Everyone loves a good work dump but leave the place better than you found it. It’s sad that my favorite shitter has fallen victim to the tragedy of the commons but as a cautionary tale, if you’re having some workplace ire about the state of your shitter, please, for your own sake, nip it in the bud before it becomes a problem..
Image via Shutterstock
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Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
@BLMInvestment
Seems like everything is going to shit…
This was a crappy pun.
You should just bite the bullet and take the dookie in the urinal. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire
Phantom probably follows you on Twitter and is loving this.
Maybe “nip it in the butt” would have worked better here.
Thought about it and it was in the original draft. I didn’t want to be accused of improper use of colloquialism.
This is why we can’t have nice things.
Unfortunately, everyone in my office knows the schedule too. Before I just knew and had the “good” toilet to myself. The other one has had years of damage, so no one touches unless you want toilet AIDS. Now, someone has the knowledge of a clean toilet at 900 am like yourself. To make matters worse, the office “Mad Shatter” is the one who knows and always beats me to it. Sick bastard always smiles as he closes the door right as I enter the bathroom. Automatic day ruined.
My boss recently had a meeting with all the guys at my company over how bad our bathrooms are getting. The main issue was somebody sticking boogers to the walls of the stalls…. Nasty MFs
Madoff, something tells me you won’t be happily surprised if the Phantom puts a lid on these atrocities.
Just be better human beings, folks.