======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
We all have those moments of respite during the workday. That brief, sweet stretch of time where you’ve just finished a project or assignment, but the next one hasn’t come due yet. A perfect block of an hour or two where you can freely stretch your legs to take a long walk during lunch, or just sit giggling at whatever funny stuff Reddit has conjured up today. On the Monday immediately following Thanksgiving holiday, those swaths of time happened upon me often, as superiors were still away traveling or groggy from actually being at the office.
As I sat there, twiddling my thumbs and listening to the latest of Joe Rogan’s musings, I felt the gentlest tap on my shoulder. She’d snuck up on me like a ninja, despite wearing three-inch heels that made more noise than most automatic rifles. Even though I wore an expression of clear exasperation when I saw her face, Annie’s smile never wavered.
“Hey there desk buddy,” she chirped cheerfully as she plopped into the chair next to me. I could feel her positive, infectious, high energy already entreating into the nice blanket of silence and isolation I had created. Curse her. Her meeting was supposed to have lasted another ten minutes. I silently vowed vengeance against whoever ended the meeting early, allowing her to intrude on his consciousness again. She, either oblivious or uncaring, kept firing peppy puns at me a mile a minute through the force field that was my obvious lack of interest.
“–and Karina were both toootally on board with the idea, so keep tracking your productivity if you want your shot at that $25 Starbucks gift card.”
I had absolutely no interest in that gift card but, of course, she gave me less than a millisecond of dead air to voice my opinion before moving onto her next topic.
“So are you going to be joining us Wednesday evening?” She read my blank expression like a pro, giggling before explaining further. “The Christmas charity drive? We’re going to the local shelter to bring and sort all the clothes that come in on–hashtag–givingTuesday. It would be suuuuuuper awesome if you joined the whole crew! Get some Pod E spirit going!”
She almost hiccuped a bubble when she said that last little bit. Having spirit for a group of coworkers who had been assigned a letter was a level of energy I could not fathom being contained within any single human. She liked to call us “Pod Emoji;” I liked to call us “Pod Euthanize-us-all.”
She cocked her head, giving me a wry, yet sad, smile. “You…did read the e-mail about the drive, right?”
Of course, I had since I am a diligent worker who gives all work-related e-mails the attention they deserve. But I had said nothing in response, hoping my silence would indicate my absence without the need to elaborate further. Rule one of lying: the best lie isn’t even spoken.
But now, she was pressing me for an actual answer. Luckily, I knew the second rule of lying (always be ready to improvise) and third (always base your lies in a truth) down pat.
“Oh yeah I read it, I just didn’t want to commit because I’m going out with this girl I’m seeing that night, but we haven’t decided what we’re going to do, so I didn’t want to commit–”
She squealed like a six-year-old and scooted right next to me, firing a thousand questions at me about this girl I was seeing. Worked like a charm. Unlike most young professionals, Annie has no sense of personal space, so I knew dropping the hint of a girl would immediately side-track her. By the time Annie had finished her probe into my love life, I was able to sidle away without another hint of attending the charity drive.
I thought I was free and clear, but an afternoon e-mail chain drove a spike into my brief window of joy.
Just a reminder to all of you who signed up that we are going to meet at the office at 4:30 sharp so we can all walk together!
Oh, she is good. Like Robert Muldoon giving respect to a raptor before it claws into him, I had to admit that she was a very, very clever girl. She knew I hadn’t committed to going, but by throwing me on the e-mail chain she would force me to either publicly disavow my attendance and incur disapproving looks, or worse, actually go out with my co-workers and perform acts of kindness for strangers.
The pings of replies to the e-mail chain echoed in rapid succession as everyone gabbed about the fun “we” would have. I remained silent, once again hoping that I could fly under the radar to a free evening. But Annie was too sly.
Out of nowhere, co-worker after co-worker started passing by my desk, saying how exciting it was that we would be doing some good for the community. With each compliment, each smile, I could feel that glorious evening alone slipping away. I’ll never be able to prove it, but I know Annie encouraged them. Each time a co-worker left after chatting for a minute about the charity event, she looked right over at me with that same innocent little smile.
And so, over the rest of the day and the next, my “I can’t go” morphed into an “I can stop by for a little bit.” I still kept hedging, kept couching, pushing it off on my girl that I was supposed to see that evening.
The walk from our office to the shelter was innocuous and pleasant on the surface, but even as I joked with my pleasant enough co-workers, I was checking to see how far we would be from the nearest bus station, carefully planning my exit. I had it all mapped out. An hour doing the charity stuff, fake that I received a text message, and then slip away going on about how much fun I had. Just an hour and I’d be back at home, enjoying my favorite thing: solitude.
Then I heard the words “happy hour” from the front of the pack.
By the time we reached the shelter, the plans for a happy hour excursion just two hours later were set. Rachel, another member of Pod Euthanize-us-all, was the apparent architect behind this little extra-extracurricular event, but I’m no fool. This had Annie’s fingerprints all over it. Rachel was but a mere minion in Annie’s master plan to suck up my free evening. And I wasn’t going to have it.
“You’re coming with?” Rachel asked me with a sincere, joyful smile. God she was nearly as obnoxiously energetic as Annie.
“Oh, well like I mentioned earlier, I’m meeting someone for dinner and drinks aft–”
“Oh yeah! Annie mentioned that. You should toooootally bring your new girlfriend so that we can all meet her. Don’t worry, I promise I’ll make sure the gang doesn’t go full-on interrogation on her!”
She giggled at her joke, and I smiled along to placate her, but in my head, I was repeating a few choice four letter words that would be inappropriate to utter around co-workers. At every turn to escape, I became trapped worse than before. I knew the girl I’m dating would jump at the chance to do a relationship-y activity like a company happy hour. But to avoid inviting her was to throw away my only excuse to get out of the happy hour.
So, I sucked it up and did the most bearable thing. I spent two hours sorting donated clothes and chatting with my coworkers, before venturing to a nearby bar for some warm, alcoholic cocktails to cap the November night. Instead of a nice evening all to myself, I was bullied, nay coerced with high duress, into spending the entire night out with people I would consider acquaintances. Sure, I had a lot of fun, with plenty of laughs, holiday spirit, and feelings of accomplishment and benevolence, but rest assured I was miserable the whole time.
Now I need to figure out a better excuse to get out of the Secret Santa for local youth drive Annie’s already organizing for next week. I may be coerced into helping the less fortunate on a Tuesday evening, but I am damn sure not giving up an entire Saturday afternoon. Annie, if you’re reading this, the game is afoot. And I’m already four moves ahead of you. .
Image via Youtube
Respond
@joshetyler
@joshetyler
Is Annie hot though?
My money is that Annie is hovering around a 5, or an office 6 because she always looks put together when the rest of us look like we are still fighting off our hangovers. Coupled with her energetic personality, people would classify her as “hot”.
I can see her shooting off a “heyyy” text at 1:30AM on a Saturday.
nah she is a “lets meet for brunch” kind of chick
Am I just being a grinch or does anyone else hate these corporate volunteer things? Everyone knows that the people that do them are doing it out of pure selfishness to make themselves feel good about “giving back” when in reality you’re just making the lives of the the full time volunteers or charity employees miserable because they have to spend hours of their own time teaching you how to do a job they themselves can do five times faster and better. Then the company takes pictures at the charity place and plasters it all over the office about how they’re helping the community when in reality they added zero help to the charity.
I like what my company does – we pick a charity once a year, donate money to them and then we pick a team of our employees and they actually spend a full year working with that charity, getting to know the ins and outs and actually making a difference.
I completely agree with you. I don’t want to be solicited at work for donations or time…donate to my paycheck! My response when I get hounded is that I always do things on my own. I’m ok with one per year or something, but I get hit up every week.
I did one at the VA hospital outside Chicago this year and I liked it. Maybe it’s you 😛
Can’t imagine how insufferable your Facebook posts were for this
Thank you for proving my point.
Well it looks like you have no other choice, Annie must die.
There’s another choice. It’s risky. Hook up with Annie, and perform so terribly that she can’t bear the awkwardness of being around you anymore. Lots of downside potential here, but swing for the fences.
Annie needs to throttle down 10 notches. That is out of control and I would most likely kms if I had a coworker like that.
I schedule my volunteer/charity stuff ON THE CLOCK. Just got to sell it as Corporate Philanthropy….
I wish I had half the serotonin and dopamine that Annie does
I’m you in these instances but I’m trying to go to happy hour with friends not a team where I’m the youngest and only person not married.
Annie definitely drinks cold brew
Articles like this make me happy that I’ve never worked in a large office with people near my age. I’ve been the only unmarried person in both offices and youngest by over a decade.