======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
First things first, I’m not homeless. That said, I do happen to engage in a couple of hobo-like activities from time to time.
Monday morning started off like any other, making coffee, making breakfast for baby, taking recycling bin full of diaper boxes and liquor bottles to the curb. Before showering I realized I hadn’t shaved in about a week.
My beard grows in pretty thick. After about day three of no shaving, a razor is powerless. I have an electric trimmer for this purpose, and you never know when you need to shave a friend’s armpit when they pass out on your couch.
Here’s where things get tricky: I can’t use any of my regular sinks or drains for this operation. They are all weak and untrustworthy. How do I know? I know guys. I know.
Usually I like to do this in the wilderness, so forest creatures can use my sheddings for their nests and hutches. Due to poor planning on my part, I was deep in a city this time. However, I have an alley behind my house, which is where my garbage can is. So I took off into the alley with the plans of trimming myself up over the garbage can, then moving to the sink and shower to finish the job.
Just as I finished up the ever intricate chin area, something in the corner of my eye caught my attention. Down the alley and across the street, a bald 50-something man was standing in the alley, just watching me. The look on his face was one of disgust and disdain.
Frazzled, I ran back into my house (I guess it should be noted that I was shirtless at the time). I shaved the remaining bits, showered up, got in the car quickly and left.
So now I don’t know what I’m going to do. My choices are either to move or kill him. Both will take time and resources (the latter in jail time and court fees, the actual operation would be free and take maybe 5 minutes). It’s quite the conundrum. Mondays, am I right?.
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
Icehouse
International sailing champion and friend to most wolves. Except Larry, he knows what he did.
@PJHart
@hart__attack
pjhart84
Assert your dominance. Next time you see him in the Alley, look him in the eye, drop trou, and while maintaining eye contact begin to man-scape.
Tell him that human hair repels deer. When he mentions that there aren’t any deer around, tell him you’re welcome and send him a bill for your services.
I think the most reasonable and obvious choice would be to not care at all about what your neighbor thinks.
Since I’m in the business of offering impactful solutions as a consultant, take 3 paper towels (only tear the seam after the 3rd) place it in the sink covering the hole because 3 paper towels will cover a standard sized sink bowl. Shave and have the clippings fall onto the paper towels. Fold up and throw away. You get no mess and you won’t clog your drain.
Actually I have a way better idea: For sure, kill your neighbor. Use your trash can as the body disposal method by having your town be your accomplice (you pay for the service anyway so get your money’s worth). Obviously you’re gonna have to conceal the body so use your beard clippings to cover the body like a shag carpet. Not only will you save money by not using all those paper towels I previously mentioned, you’ll save trees which is saving the environment. You also be saving the environment by eliminating another leech from the planet which will free up more resources for you and your family. Don’t feel bad for this guy, he has no business snooping in alleys as a middle aged man on a Monday morning anyway.
There it is. I got worried, your first comment seemed way too normal and nobody dies if he follows that plan.
As boring as that mans life must be, he probably got a good laugh out of it. And when he sees you again, he’ll probably give you shit about it. And every other time after that.
Just explain that you care about the rats that live in your alley and want to give them nice nesting materials. That might take him to outright contempt for you, but you gotta stick to your guns.
I just close the drain, shave, and then use a damp piece of toilet paper to clean out the sink, toss it down the toilet.
You’re a god damn animal. What was wrong with the garbage can in your kitchen or bathroom?
kill him.
I don’t understand this at all. Do you have ANY non-carpeted surface in your abode? Trim it over hardwood/tile/concrete/whatever floor, then sweep and/or vacuum up the hair. 100x less of a pain in the ass regardless of your hair length.