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Hi. My name’s Rico, and I’m a hypochondriac. Like any other problem in life, acceptance is the first step to recovery. The issue is that I accepted my malady as fact long ago yet can’t do anything about it. In elementary school, I thought I had E-Coli after a two-day bout with the runs. In middle school, I convinced myself I had a brain tumor because I had persistent headaches. In college, it was alcoholism. Well, that one turned out to be somewhat true, but you get my point.
Now that I’m older, every ache and pain that comes my way convinces me something is horribly wrong. If I wake up and feel a little off, I’m sure it’s just nothing more than an ever growing mass of cells forming inside of me, zapping all my energy. If I wake up feeling great, I get worried about that too, because it’s when you have your guard down that something terrible comes along. Every day it’s something new. I spent Saturday evening at a BBQ, hanging out in someone’s back yard which allowed several mosquitos to dine on my lower extremities whilst I tossed back a couple of tall boys. Throw in a crappy night of sleep on Sunday due to a mild case of the Scaries, and what do I have Monday morning? Zika, obviously.
I had multiple bites, red, bleary eyes and mild joint pain. All the symptoms were there. A trained medical professional, or really just anyone with some common sense, would explain the red eyes to lack of sleep and the joint pain as just part of getting older, but that’s not what my brain says. My brain says **insert worst disease possible followed by prolonged and painful death** because my biggest fear in life isn’t dying, it’s knowing I’m going to die while withering away with some terminal illness.
People might ask themselves, “Well if you’re scared of getting sick all the time then just go to the doctor.” But that’s not an option either because I’m scared of them too. I’m such a hypochondriac, I’ve convinced myself that if I go to a doctor the only possible outcome is that they’ll tell me I have mere months to live due to a variety of poor lifestyle choices I manage to make on a fairly regular basis. So what do I do? I sit. And I think. And I come up with signs and symptoms only to brush them off because they’re just in my head. Or so I tell myself. The problem with this is when something serious does come along (because it will), how will I know it’s time for action? I’m the man who cries wolf on himself on a near daily basis only to be diagnosed with stage four cancer after ignoring all the warning signs while simultaneously taking no proactive measures to discover what’s going on inside my body. See, there I go again, convincing myself that something bad will inevitably happen.
But, alas. The time is nigh. Unfortunately, I have no choice in the matter. My company is switching healthcare providers and in order to qualify for the life insurance package everyone has to provide a copy of their most recent physical. Being that mine was a few years back, I’ve accepted my fate and booked a visit to the ol’ family Physician. It’s an appointment I’m already dreading and I can feel my blood pressure rise just thinking about it which makes sense because he’ll probably find I have early age heart disease, so what’s even the point in it all anyway? I guess in a way this post is my fare-thee-well. It’s been nice knowing everyone, and I’ll be seeing you by and by. And bye..
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Whatever you do, stay the fuck away from WebMD.
It was a comment from someone about WebMD a few days ago that gave me the idea to write this. I avoid it like the plague, which I’ll probably get sooner or later.
The plague beats cancer, which you’ll be convinced you have if you ever spend more than 10 minutes on WebMD.
Wow it really works too! I just quit my job – thanks lry20819!
Recently went to the doctor that I had been dreading for routine blood work. Turns out I have the liver of a champion
Only one way to celebrate – get shitfaced
I like to think of the liver like a muscle. You have to exercise it
My new doc drew a smiley face on my bloodwork results — I hung it on my fridge.
That’s just how doctors flirt
The best part of not being able to get any poon as a postgrad is being able to avoid your over the top fear of STDs.
Can we take a minute to discuss the awfulness that is the male physical? Normal blood pressure testing, temperature reading, pulse rate measuring, check out the eyes, ears, and nose, and now the doctor is gonna handle your family jewels for a few minutes while you try to squeeze out a cough.
Let’s talk about getting a Pap Smear. That annual physical sounds like a walk in the park.
I…. I’m so sorry. Guys, if you don’t know what that is, DON’T GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH
First pap smear next week… I am nervous but I know that I need to do it.
When something actually is wrong, you know, because you don’t even bother looking up symptoms.
This article is too true.
I convince myself multiple times a year that my appendix has burst for some reason. The pain is gone in less than 20 minutes, but I make sure everyone around me knows that I think my appendix has burst.
Been through that cycle.
I feel ya on this one. In the last 3 years I’ve gone to the ER for a multitude of reasons, including:
-thinking I had a testicular torsion (I apparently just sat on my balls wrong a la Crash Davis)
-thinking I had a heart attack (too much caffeine combined with acid reflux disease)
-thinking I had an STD (it was apparently just sore from overuse)
-thinking I had frostbite (this one was actually true)
so I completely understand your fears. My parents, whose insurance I’m still on, don’t even listen to me anymore. We hypochondriacs have it rough.
“From overuse” nice job sneaking in that humble brag
I didn’t say it was from overuse with a second party…
I did consider that. But I would hope you didn’t think your hand have you a STD
Glad I’m not the only one overuses the ER
The Scaries are real: Several doctors and specialists couldn’t figure out a number of seemingly unrelated physical symptoms. My primary doc finally suggested stress reduction and I’m on an upswing.
Things I have diagnosed myself with:
– Kidney failure due to urinary reflux (back pain from bad posture)
– Celiac disease (too much coffee)
– Heart infection from infected cavity (the flu)
– Anaphylactic allergic reaction (sore throat)
– Rheumatoid arthritis (leg-pressed too much)
– Pregnancy (motion sickness) x100000000000
Medical student syndrome is real