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Tom Hanks got it right in Nora Ephron’s romantic comedy staple, You’ve Got Mail, when he gently asked, “Don’t you love New York in the fall?” Where he missed, however, was in his follow-up statement that was oh-so-close to making it the perfect entrance of any character in any movie ever. “It makes me want to buy school supplies,” he stated.
As kids, school supplies were considered the ugly step-sister of fall purchases. The coup de grâce of summer ending was buying school supplies. School supplies took money that was allocated for The Gap and funneled it directly into trapper keepers, No. 2 pencils, and monogrammed L.L. Bean backpacks (you know, if you were lucky).
If you were smart, you could convince your parents to go to the mall before you went school supply shopping. It was there that you’d walk into The Gap and attempt to mimic whatever they felt like dressing the mannequins in during that season. Flannels on top of weathered forest green tee-shirts with non-descript sporting events that never actually happened. Skiing, football, whatever vibe you wanted to put out to the rest of your clique who was just discovering that Old Spice smelled better than pit sweat.
Now that we’re at a point in our lives where every Sunday afternoon feels like the last day of summer, our “school supplies” consist of mediocre Keurig cups and office-provided wireless keyboards that only sometimes work. The thrill is gone and we have no choice but to allocate our funds to where we’ve always wanted to allocate them in the first place.
To getting some fall fucking fits off.
I come to you with a heavy heart in saying that this will indeed be the final installment of the viral internet series, “My Fall Aesthetic.” I know, I know, I should’ve had to sit down before making such a statement.
In the northern states, fall is already coming to a close as snow hits the ground. You’ve probably thought to yourself, “Man, why so late on this, Will? I’ve already gotten all my fall fits off.” And to that, I say this: “No, no you have not.” Yes, I’m aware that was a boring statement with too much build-up.
There’s still time to drape yourself in fall fabrics that will make lesser men gasp when you walk into a bar and order a Bell’s Two Hearted Ale. Here are the keys.
Step 1. Get a statement piece.
I took a trip to New York City last year in early December. We can’t be sure, but people are saying that my Filson Cover Cloth Mile Marker Jacket was trending on Twitter. The waxed finish of it not only popped when I applied VSCO’s F2 filter to it, but it was moisture-resistant enough that it didn’t even stain when I spilled an Icelandic stout all over it mid-Saturday.
I realize that spending $350 on a tight budget probably isn’t something you want to do. Luckily for you (and me), a certain website that is owned by our company may or may not be having a monstrosity of a sale right now. There’s really no way to pin down how perfectly curated this website is, but some people are saying it’s a one-stop shopping destination for the best products and best brands out there.
The discounts are deep. Like really deep. Like the-first-time-you-saw-Requiem-for-a-Dream-in-high-school deep.
I’m not the type to tell you what to do, but I’d advise downloading a certain five-star app for the ultimate shopping experience.
Step 2. Embrace Oatmeal Season.
There are haters out there who will claim Oatmeal isn’t a color. That’s bullshit.
Oatmeal is not only a color, but a state of mind. Just look at this Patagonia Retro Pile Vest. Lumpy, just how you fucking like it.
Or get a load of these Grid SD Sauconys. It’s like someone took the perfect amount of brown sugar and cinnamon and sprinkled it into your morning bowl of Scottish oatmeal.
Perhaps you need some gloves for all that snow you’re going to be shoveling. It’s a great core workout and a fulfilling task when all is said and done.
All oatmeal everything.
Step 3. Use your resources.
And by “resources,” I mean your parents who cut you off years ago. You know what’s right around the corner? Christmas. You know what Christmas requires? Christmas lists. You know what your Christmas list should be filled with? A bunch dope clothes from Man Outfitters that your mom buys at a discount because you forwarded her this very column with the email subject line “VERY IMPORTANT: MAN OUTFITTERS IS HAVING A FIRE SALE AND PRETTY MUCH GIVING AWAY CLOTHING.”
You know what’s better than buying yourself a discounted Filson jacket? Having your parents do it for you.
Step 4. Allow me to thank you for making My Fall Aesthetic possible.
People said writing a hit viral series about fall fashion couldn’t be done. You made it all possible by allowing me to write not one, but numerous columns about dressing like a wool sock. And for that, I thank you. Now get out there, drink some heavy beers, shop at Man Outfitters, and make your parents proud. Lord knows you’ve already made me proud to be a part of something great.
Until next fall, everyone. And always remember: the fits you get off will echo in eternity. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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Oatmeal, so in. Just copped an out meal shawl collar cardigan. Unrelated, nice article about meeting Sally, Will. Nice read.
LL Bean backpacks were the shit
But Will would Frasier believe in your aesthetic?
Too bad the site barely works on Internet Explorer(work PC).
Dude would you quit bitching about everything?
Not having the IT authority to get chrome on your work pc. PGP