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My Application To Get An Invite To The Royal Wedding

My Application To Get An Invite To The Royal Wedding

I know, I know. It’s early. Maybe too early.

Most of us are still licking our wounds from the holidays, myself included. The dark cloud of wedding season is still in the distance but it’s never too early to start game planning — especially when it’s a wedding of this magnitude.

I’m talking, of course, about The Royal Wedding. Prince Harry and former Deal or No Deal suitcase girl Meghan Markle. While I’m still puzzled by this entire engagement, I’d be remiss not to honor it. I’m not here to judge. Love is love is love is love, even if that love is between an actress from Suits and a royal prince who appeared to never actually want to settle down.

Unsurprisingly, this wedding season is shaping up to be a big one for me. I currently have at least six on the books for 2018, seven if I can somehow convince The Royal Family to include me in their nuptials that are to take place at St. George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle on May 19th.

My May schedule? Wide open.

The way May is shaping up, it’s quite possibly my most open month. Sure, I could shampoo in a Kentucky Derby trip parlayed with a trip to the Indy 500 just before Memorial Day Weekend, but that just seems aggressive for a 31-year-old guy who’s showing early signs of back problems.

A May 19th wedding is literally the perfect storm for me to fly across the pond and mix it up with the elites (not Trump, of course). With Memorial Day falling on May 28th, I could feasibly fly over on May 18th and make a week out of it. Have to think no one will be in the office the Friday before Memorial Day, right?

18 at The Old Course mid-week? Sign me up. Nice little bed and breakfast action for your boy in The Cotswolds? Uh, yeah. A little warm weather polo match drinking Veuve with the boys? Why not?

My friendship with Prince William is just begging to happen.

You know when you just know you’d be good friends with someone? That’s me and Will. Just double-barrel Wills mixing it up on the dance floor together while our plus-ones plan a South France wine tasting together at table 16.

This story flew under the radar, but Prince William is a noted wild man. Not naked-in-a-hotel-room-in-Vegas-on-camera stuff like his brother, Harry, but a wild man nonetheless. His recent ski trip to Switzerland with his blokes just proves he takes the leash his wife gives him and exploits the living shite out of it.

“It was William’s choice to go away, but make no mistake Kate wears the trousers in their marriage, and she won’t be happy with William’s antics,” says a source. “She thought his partying days and larking around with the boys was a thing of the past. I imagine she’ll find this humiliating and William will have come in for a pasting.”

We could get absolutely mental together. This has “shirts unbuttoned on the dance floor together” written all over it.

While, yeah, I’ll let it rip, I also know what a Royal Wedding entails.

This isn’t a “black out or get out” kind of affair. I know this and I respect this. Throughout the ceremony and through cocktail hour, I’ll have to keep some in the tank. After all, The Royal Family is paying for the affair so I can’t just be tipping back single malts the minute I wake up.

If Pippa Middleton’s wedding costs taught us anything, it’s that these high-end families like to do it up right. £30,000 Range Rover fleets, £20,000 champagne budget, £55,000 on wine — the works.

With respect to The Royals, I know this won’t be a food station type of deal. This is a “work from the outside and don’t start until The Queen has started” situation. I’ve seen The Crown and numerous Princess Di documentaries. I’m essentially a Duke.

I won’t even be the biggest wild card there.

That honor goes to Pippa Middleton’s husband’s best man who reached peak-cringe during his best man speech at their wedding back in May ’17. Not only did he compare Pippa to her husband’s dog, but he recapped the bachelor party (sorry, lad’s weekend) in his speech as well.

“Now to the love of James’ life: beautiful, energetic, loyal, soft-mouthed, comes on command, great behind,” he started. “But that is enough about Jame’s spaniel, Rafa, I’m here to talk about James’ love, Pippa.” Classic.

As long as I keep an eye on him from across the room and make sure I don’t toe the same line he’s toeing, I should be fine. I mean, his name’s Justin Johannsen so he clearly goes hard in the proverbial paint. All Justins do.

I’ve already got a place to stay so I won’t take up any space in their hotel block.

Not to sell him out, but my friend Paul has a flat in the heart of London. I can just rent a BMW station wagon and commute to and from all the events where my presence is required.

99 percent of the reason I hate going to destination weddings is that it absolutely guts me to pay hand over fist to stay in a hotel room that I’ll barely see. Or barely remember seeing, as the case may be.

If I already have a couch to pass out on while still wearing my suit? It’s game, set, match. I might as well blind RSVP before even getting a Save The Date. Someone just hit me with their address and I’ll seal the deal.

And if not? Well, I’ll just have to live blog it instead.

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Will

Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Editor at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram).

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