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Don-Don,
I understand you must have a lot on your plate right now. Running the free world is a BFD (big fucking deal), and there’s only so much swag my man Brobama can throw at you in a day. Luckily for you, I’m a semi-interested citizen with an opinion and a media outlet – so I’m here to help. Please find below my application for Secretary of Millennial Affairs.
Personal Data
Name: I honestly get anxiety over someone stealing my identity so I’m afraid I can’t answer this question at this time
Location: Chicago, IL
Net Worth: I got too frustrated doing Turbo Tax this year so my parents filled out my W-2s. I’m going to defer this question to them.
Current Employer: Start-up (not a lame one, def going to get bought out. My cousin’s husband works at Google and thinks we have a great idea.)
Are you a U.S. Citizen: Yes.
Are you a veteran of the U.S. Armed Forces: No.
Optional Information
Race: I don’t see color.
Gender: Female
Date of Birth: 10/4/1991
Geographic Affiliation: I identify with where I am going, not where I am.
Political Party: Michelle Obama.
Religious Affiliation: Jewish, which means Steve Bannon is obvs invited to my Passover Seder so teach him the proper pronunciation of “CH.”
Please describe why you hope to be a part of the President Elect’s administration.
As a social media guru (see Twitter bio), I would like to help the President-Elect understand how to use his Twitter effectively. His overuse of exclamation points makes us think of him as America’s sad Grandpa who just sent his first email, which is totally contrary to his mood board. The way I would solve this is by conducting a two and a half day design thinking session to do a deep dive on social media eminence. Once I figure out what exactly all this means, I will circle back with a proper agenda. [*Thumbs Up Emoji*]
In addition, I would also propose a federal budget for Wanderlust research. This is an epidemic that is plaguing my generation, luring Millennials into a life ex-patriotism with fancy job titles like “freelance curator” and “digital nomad.” We must allow and enable Millennials to “find themselves” in different ways, so they can keep contributing to our economy. (← you like that).
Lastly, I would propose the creation of “Entitlement Day” on every January 20th moving forward. This day would be day where all Americans can whip out their participation trophies, medals and ribbons (or lack thereof) and complain about the “reason” they did not win. Instead of one person, group, or movement being “literally THE WORST” we will all literally be THE WORST. This day would unite the country together in a sentiment of national offense toward everyone, every place, and everything. The day would end with a live, televised broadcast of the President-Elect leading us in a national sing/sway of “Closer” by the Chainsmokers where we will all be united in our collective love for the catchy tune.
Prez, I do hope you take my application seriously. I got a 33 on the ACTs.
Signed,
A Truly Scared Millennial .
Respond
Senate is definitely going to block your appointment but hit me up if you want to grab a drink at Hubbard Inn.
Id say sup, but as a DC politics guy I feel I might not be your type
It seems like most of this site is from Chicago
This is because several thousand versions of the same person flock to Chicago to spend years 22-25 living in [Lakeview/Lincoln Park] after earning [business/engineering/PR] degrees from [insert Big 10 school]. They are all PGP’s target audience.
Well, that seems to explain it.
“my parents filled out my W-2s”….this…this literally hurt my brain.
Sup? I feel i should just toss that at you so i can at least inform you on the basics of Income Taxes, their documents and schedules.
Name checks out.
Sorry but the only one qualified enough to hold this position is Willy Defries.
Woah woah woah, what about Recruitment Chair? If anyone knows about Millenials and what cities they reside in, it’s her.
Another article that got lost on its way to TSM.
I wish I could give you a beer or something to chill you out a bit.
He needs a home.
No he doesn’t he’s happy.
Nah, he doesn’t like handouts.
Not exactly true, I have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy when it comes to handouts.
I’m not handing you money.
That’s fine, I’ll just take your dough.
You sound like someone that went out and protested. Or at least really wanted to but then just posted something on Facebook.
This gave me cancer.
Did you identify as a binary gender? Application denied, clearly not millennial enough