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Well, it happened. My once fun and carefree relationship has officially turned serious. My girlfriend asked me, “What my thoughts are on living together?” after my lease is up. Thus far, I’ve deflected the question by telling her I won’t be thinking about it until the spring, as my lease isn’t up until July, but I fear I may have to start thinking about it sooner. But not with her, of course. Instead, I’m going to air my thoughts out with a bunch of strangers on the internet by answering Bolde’s 12 Questions To Ask Before Moving In.
1. How do you resolve arguments?
Usually by aggressively arguing my point until she either gives up, admits I’m right, or cries. Oh wait, you said resolve? I was not aware arguments could be resolved; I thought you just keep having them until one party gets too tired of fighting and gives up. To be honest, we rarely ever fight. Thus far, our biggest blowout has been a result of her claiming she wasn’t a huge fan of my frozen taquitos as a drunk snack, which caused me to lose. my. mind. I later apologized and now we just avoid Mexican food after midnight.
2. Are you both able to hold up your end of the financial bargain?
Considering she majored in engineering and I majored in communications, I think it’s fair to say that she’ll be doing the heavy lifting on rent. I’ve made it clear that I will not be paying a dime over my current rent and am very comfortable living in a shithole, so I think the burden of paying for a nicer place rest squarely on her shoulders. I’ve been saying I want a sugar momma since we started dating, and honestly, it’s her fault for assuming I was joking.
3. Do you already spend most nights together anyway?
We usually spend 4-5 nights together a week. Her other few days are booked with Engineers Without Borders meetings, tutoring refugee families, book club, and various other events and clubs she’s a part of. My other few days are booked up with lying on my couch watching football and eating peanut butter straight out of the jar, so we’re both pretty productive in our days apart.
4. How well do you get along on overnight trips together?
We’ve gone on probably 10-15 trips since we’ve been together, including a 10-day vacation and several 6+ hour road trips, and I honestly can’t remember fighting during any of those. Considering in past relationships I’ve had multiple girlfriends turn the car around an hour into the trip because they were so mad at me, I think we’re doing pretty well.
5. Are you comfortable with her seeing you at your worst?
If there is another level of “my worst” that she hasn’t seen me at, I hope to god I never get to it. She’s watched me try and fight my ER doctor’s while high on pain meds, helped me shower and go to the bathroom when I was fresh out of hip surgery and has endured more horrific farts and information about my bowel movements than any person should ever have to deal with. She’s also been forced to listen to several drunken tirades against her home state of Pennsylvania after any Penguins or Steeler victories, so I don’t think there’s anything that would make her run at this point.
6. Are you comfortable seeing her at her worst?
Similarly, I hope I already have. I’ve carried her into the ER, rode with her in an ambulance (it’s a been a rough year for both of us), and even missed several minutes of the Patriot’s glorious Superbowl comeback to rub her back and console her as she threw up in the bar bathroom. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.
7. Have you said the L-word?
Weren’t you listening? I missed several minutes of my team in the Superbowl to make her feel better. That’s the definition of love right there. That’s more romantic than any bullshit kissing-in-the-rain scene you’ll see in any romantic comedy. I’m not saying I want Ryan Gosling to play me in a movie, but I’m not not saying that.
8. What’s the pet situation?
I guess we’re thinking about getting a hedgehog? Neither of us are near a place in our lives where we can take care of a dog, and I’m going to forcible sneeze my sinuses off if I have to live with a cat. Hedgehogs are adorable, can live in a cage, don’t require much work, and won’t get us evicted from any apartment. Plus, they can sit on their quills like it’s a beanbag chair, and I think that’s dope.
9. Are your eating habits compatible?
Definitely. She’s introduced me to food from her heritage, like chicken pot pie and biscuits and gravy, and I’ve introduced her to food from my heritage, like dishes with spices and actual flavor. Sure, there are some disagreements. She dislikes the fact that I go through several bottles of ketchup a month, and I don’t like that she thinks a banana is “a snack,” and not “something to choke down as I look for the Oreos.”
However, our biggest disagreement is whether or not it’s okay to eat in the bed. I enjoy sleeping in a clean space, like a human, and she apparently loves sleeping in a nest of crumbs and ants, like a disgusting animal. This may end up being an issue.
10. Is this a “for now” thing or a “for the long haul” thing?
Hahahaha. If you thought I was just going to talk about my feelings and have an honest conversation about commitment, you’re living in a delusional fantasy world. My goal is for any woman I’m with to never know if I’m really into her even after 40 years of marriage. Gotta keep ‘em on their toes.
11. How do you feel about her level of tidiness?
She’s definitely cleaner than I am, but not so clean that I won’t be able to hold up my end of chores. As long as she’s in charge of cleaning the bathroom, I’m more than happy to do every other chore in the house. I may, however, have to buy a second bed just for her to eat in, because apparently, she was raised in a house with no kitchen tables.
12. Do you like her friends?
Hell yeah. Her crew is a bunch of alcoholic degenerates, so we get along just great. She doesn’t even have that one guy friend that is secretly in love with her, but that she refuses to admit like most girlfriends do. For every girl out there thinking this isn’t true, you’re in denial. Ask your boyfriend about it, and he’ll name one of your friends without hesitation. .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
The number of ER trips is really giving me anxiety.
Hopefully their new place is close to a hospital
1. She sounds cool.
B. Eating in bed is a no from me
III. I need to get on the sugar mama hunt
iv. I’m seriously running out of dumb numbering options
e. ok I’m done.
Not that I’m an expert or anything since I haven’t ever even remotely had to consider this but with the rent split doesn’t it just make sense to pay whatever percent of the income you earn? Also, eating in bed is a disgusting habit.
Big Dinner Table is not happy with people being dirtgrubs and eating in bed. That’s why they pivoted their product assortment to small little breakfast in bed tray things to compete with Big Bed which has already tricked people into buying a piece of foam for $4000
I wonder if this is a female thing, because I love eating in bed too. May need to eventually kick that habit….
I’m a guy and I’ll eat in bed but only small things that aren’t going to make a mess, though. I’ve never had breakfast in bed.
“She’s also been forced to listen to several drunken tirades against her home state of Pennsylvania after any Penguins or Steeler victories”
My man
Just the thought of eating in bed makes my acid reflux flair up
Here’s another good one to consider(I say from experience): what furniture from each person will be taken, what will be tossed out?
I own nothing except for a comfortable queen-sized bed, and she has a bunch of furniture and a death trap of a twin bed, so I think it will be easy to figure out.
A twin bed?!? Yikes. We kept my queen too, I’ve been trying like hell to upgrade to a king but she says we don’t need it. Apparently all that money is better served on full length mirrors, matching bedside lamps we don’t use, and throw pillows. So.many.pillows.
I loved her until you just said she had a twin bed
That and her obviously horrible taste in guys are her only downfalls.
Guy with ex-hedgehog here. Do not get one if you can’t handle the smell. Pros: Cute, chicks dig em, they don’t do much, they hide about 90% of the time. Cons: They are DICKS when they wake up, they poke the hell out of you (wear gloves), giving them baths can be fun and aggravating, again, they are assholes when you try and pick them up. Good luck though.
Eating in bed is bomb. Then again I live with my parents and it’s the only place I can eat in solidarity…
Solitude*
The crumbs drive me insane.
There’s nothing like waking up the next morning after a drunken night to Taco Bell cheese in your bed. It’s a rush.