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It’s not the airlines that make traveling suck it’s the people. I go through everyday life sincerely believing that I am smarter than most. That assumption is proven to me whenever I step foot on an airplane.
It’s the wild west once you step onto those things. Common decency, manners, normal behavior – it all goes flying out the window once you get onto the tarmac.
I’ve never been one of those people that bitch and moan about flying. No one wants to hear your sob story about the six-hour delay you had to endure at Newark-Liberty International.
Much like getting your heart broken by some stupid bitch or sociopathic dickhead, everyone has an airline story. Shit happens. That doesn’t mean anyone wants to hear about it.
I’ve always fallen under that category of people who understand that traveling sucks. Be prepared for delays because they happen. Unless you’re flying private or first class, air travel is not all sunshine and rainbows.
Having said all of that, I hadn’t flown internationally in six years before this big trip to Italy. International travel is a bear. It’s expensive, exhausting, and most importantly filled with other passengers who do not give a shit about anyone but themselves.
Take for instance the unwritten rule that for international flights one should be two hours early to the airport. You want to talk about hassle? Stress? How about trying to figure out which gate your plane is leaving from when every informational screen in the airport has, for some mysterious reason, been displaying everything in Russian.
Concierges, security guards, and those Italian military men who carry fucking sub machine guns everywhere also have no idea what’s going on. Again, I’m not one to complain when I’m flying, but this was a difficult hurdle to get over at the tie.
On my eight hour flight back to the U.S. this morning I sat next to a mother and her two sons who, judging from the mothers thick New Jersey accent, were most definitely from New Jersey.
Nothing against The Garden State but that accent can get incredibly annoying very quickly.
The two sons switched seats at least six times during the flight because they were bickering. Each time a fight would break out, the mother would make them switch seats because she decided that this was the best course of action.
When one of the sons would get frustrated with the other, they would head to the window where the emergency opening door was (I was in the exit row and had to audibly make a pledge that we would assist in case of an unexpected landing) and just sort of play with the window blinds and and stand up for ten or twenty minutes at a time.
On these emergency exit doors that had been built on either side of our flying metal tube, a tiny window had its blind open. A sign next to the tiny window simply read “window blind must be open during taxi, take-off, and landing.”
I’m not sure what these tiny windows are for, but these fucking kids kept getting really close to them and messing with the blind.
Please keep in mind that they are next to the emergency door, and one misstep from these idiot kids could have opened that door. All of it just made me….dubious.
I audibly scoffed more than a few times to show my disdain and I couldn’t help but look at all of their movements as furtive in nature.
I wanted to tap them on the shoulder and just be like “Hey, can you please act normal? Sit in your fucking seat and watch a movie like everyone else so I don’t have to worry about you taking this plane down.”
You know that scene in The Departed when Mark Wahlberg is all “I’m the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy” and gets in a mini scuffle? Well, I’m Marky Mark in this aforementioned situation and the “other guy” is this mom who couldn’t keep her stupid idiot kids in check.
Fucking kids, man. I won’t even start in on the people who were walking in just socks all over the piss and water covered airplane bathroom floors like they were inside their own home.
I definitely won’t tell you about the countless number of individuals who thought it a good idea to bring curry dishes, meatball subs, and weird Italian fast food onto our vessel in what I’m assuming were hopes of making it smell like an elementary school cafeteria.
No. You people don’t need to hear about any of that because you already know: people suck. People are idiots.
I know we’re supposed to see the good in everyone but my God. I look around when I’m on airplanes, inside of airports, or even just sitting at restaurants or cafes and think to myself, “What the hell is wrong with everyone? I’m surrounded by morons. Halfwits. Imbeciles and fools being raised by fools.”
It annoys me to a point that most certainly is not healthy and it really grinds my gears. People have a really hard time just being fucking normal. Be normal. If not for yourself, for me..
Image via Youtube
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
“”Hell is other people.”
— Jean-Paul Sartre”
— John Duda
Claiming to not complain about air travel in an article full of complaints about air travel. TotalDudaMove?
I really do hate bashing airlines…but traveling internationally is a different animal. It broke me as a man. I needed to vent
I travel internationally a lot for work. Over ear noise canceling headphones. It’s 1st class, for your ears.
Can’t stand the people who think it’s okay to take off their shoes and socks… ain’t nobody wanna smell your stinky ass feet motherf**ker
Duda is just churning out articles. Y’all need to re-hire him asap ferg
I always find it buzzard that everyone needs to stand up and try to get their bags down from the overhead bins IMMEDIATELY after the plane stops taxiing, as if it’s going to help them deboard faster. Wrong. Really, it’s just random people’s butts in my face shoving past me while I just sit quietly until the line is moving enough for me to be able to get up and get my own bag. People on airplanes are savages and without a doubt the worst part of traveling.
The best is when everyone lines up to board the plane even if they’re in zone 6. It’s a real “hurry up and wait” situation that makes my blood boil every single time.
Yup, that’s definitely my other major pet peeve of flying.
The buzzards standing by the zone 3 pole 45 minutes before boarding… chill. Seriously.
Bizarre* not buzzard. DAMN predictive keyboard.
I stand up because I’m 6’3″ and my jacket size is 52″ Long, not because I think it’ll help me get off the plane faster. Not sorry if that means my ass is in someone’s face for a couple minutes.
Fuck us tall fat people, Rico. We don’t even deserve to be on the same airplanes as the midgets who somehow fit effortlessly into those 12 inch-wide torture chambers called airline seats.
Complaining about flying back to the states after an extended vacation in the Italian Countryside? Get outta here with this subtle attempt at a humble brag article and i appreciate you adding depth and scope to the words in your lexicon there JD
And the pure disgust when you land in Atlanta and get an airport full of reminders of how fat everyone is back in the states. Name irony, I’m aware.
What about the baggage claim crowd? Can’t you all take a step back and move forward once your bag arrives? Fucking animals make me have to drop a swim move to grab my suitcase, then I’m the asshole for drilling them in the knee with my follow thru. Shouldn’t be standing between me and my suitcase in the first place.
In the voice of Elaine Benes, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL YOU PEOPLE?”
Sounds like you have sufficient notes to power rank the worst people on your flight, and I got nothing but time before the long holiday weekend starts if you want to keep cranking ‘tent.
(Insert sexual innuendo joke here.)
For what it’s worth it’s impossible to open the cabin doors while the plane is pressurized.