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In (most) every breakup, there is a line that is almost always uttered, in some form:
“I hope you don’t hate me.”
So prevalent is this one sentiment that it was immortalized in the infamous “The Post-It Always Sticks Twice” episode during season six of Sex and The City:
But there is another line from breakups that doesn’t receive nearly as much attention, despite the fact that it’s almost always uttered in response to the first:
“Of course I don’t hate you.”
It’s this one simple sentence that’s put me into a quandary. If the natural opposite of love is hate, why are we unwilling to allow ourselves to feel that? And even if we do allow ourselves to feel it, why are then loath to actually say it? Why is it that our automatic response when someone breaks our most important organ is to absolve them of any negative feelings they may have created?
The answer is, of course, complicated. But the biggest factor, I’ve found, is the notion that hating someone that breaks up with you somehow gives them the upper-hand; that by saying there’s no hate, we are the bigger person, that we somehow “win” the breakup. But I don’t know that I buy that philosophy. First off, why do we automatically assume that the person who escapes the relationship with the least feelings is the winner, particularly since both parties know that’s bullshit anyway? And let’s be honest – no one actually “wins” a breakup. It’s not a game of winners and losers, and to view it as such probably means you weren’t mature enough to have a successful relationship to begin with.
Here’s my take: a little hate (in a breakup) is healthy. By hate, I don’t mean going scorched earth on social, taking a crowbar to his windshield, or forwarding those dick pics to his mom. Instead, I’m talking about the kind of hate that helps us move on. We aren’t friends with people we hate – so there won’t be any of that “trying to be friends” bullshit that never, ever ends well, despite what certain urban legends may say. We don’t talk to people we hate – so there won’t be any “just saying hi” texts. The bottom line, if a little hate is what it takes to help us get past the heartbreak, what’s so wrong with that?
So maybe the next time we hear the inevitable version of “I hope you don’t hate me,” we stop kidding ourselves and sparing them from our feelings, and answer with a “I sure do, motherfucker” and dip out with our heads – and middle fingers – held high..
Respond
Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
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I’ve always thought of the opposite of love as indifference, not hate. So to hate an ex would mean that I still have feelings for them, albeit negative ones. In the past, I knew that I was fully over an ex when I no longer cared if they were the happiest woman alive or if they got hit by a car.
The opposite of love is indifference is a line from The Lumineer’s song- so now I have Stubborn Love stuck in my head. Thanks, Bill
This is exactly why relationship counselors say that if you hate the person, the relationship can be restored, but if you’re indifferent, there’s no hope for the relationship. Feelings are feelings, whether positive or negative.
YES!!! Hate is still a strong feeling, as strong as love. Indifference means you’re really done.
Was literally about to type that when I scrolled and saw it was top comment. 100% true, Bill.
I fully agree with this. A little anger helps me transition out of feelings. Plus, frankly, it’s natural to feel that way if you’ve been broken up with because you actually feel kinda rejected by someone you really care about… even if you knew it was coming. I’m friendly and cordial with most of my exes but I really don’t understand people who are legitimately friends with theirs. Just seems like there should be boundaries.
with statements like that you might considering upgrading from RN to MD
It all depends, and like with everything, hate should be used in moderation. My college gf that slept with a basketball team worth of guys, yeah she’s getting the double finger cannons but my high school gf who wanted to experience college as a free woman, she’s getting a hug and a friendly hello when I see her around.
Nice take
If someone breaks my most important organ I’m going to more than hate them
To be clear, your most important organ is your penis, right?
I hope the guy from the mailbag is hated by his ex GF. He deserves it.
After a break up, I don’t want to talk to or think about that person again. Wipe the memories and move on
This. The last thing I want is my ex still taking up real estate in my head.
I think a bit of strong burning hatred for an ex helps me in the pursuit to better myself. Like to go to the gym more, eat better, get myself back into shape so I can get back out there in the dating scene, things like that. May not be super healthy to compare myself to the possible dude(s) she’s banging now but it’s working thus far. Also not speaking to them in any form is key.
“Or it’s gonna go down in flames.” Keyword flames for that little bit of hate.
Going through the worst one of my life now. I know the cliche saying is “it gets better” but Jesus Christ I hope it does.
It’s a slow burn but it does eventually gets better. 9 months out of a 3.5 year here and I’ll be honest it’s gonna be brutal for a while. Hobbies, friends and a little hate go a long way.
Agreed. I’ve doing better at the gym than I have in a long time since my split-up two weeks ago because of this.