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Masturbating In The ’90s

Masturbating In The '90s

“You kids these days, you don’t know how good you’ve got it.” We’ve all heard this sentiment expressed countless times by our elders. And they’re right. In this day and age, we have infinite versatile solutions to modern living. Everything from transportation to communication to entertainment has drastically improved and become more readily available.

I was born in 1988 and I am proudly a kid of the ’90s. The ’90s were a hell of a decade. The economy was booming. Our president was getting head from fat chicks. Emilio Estevez was leading misfit youth hockey players to victory over what appeared to be unbeatable opponents. Plus, Britney Spears was hot and barely legal, and the Olsen twins were hot and almost legal. And technology was taking off in ways we never thought imaginable. I still remember how happy I was to get my first cell phone in ninth grade. But the biggest technological advance was, of course, the popularization of the personal computer and Internet.

However, youngsters, the Internet was not like what you know now and take for granted. We were forced to connect our modems through something called “dial-up.” This process tied up the house phone line and took about six minutes to connect to your AOL homepage. More importantly, the connection sounded like robotic cats raping each other. So if you were on the Internet, everyone in the house, and probably your neighbors, knew about it.

This made masturbating quite a tricky endeavor. So to get the job done, you had to be pretty clever. Here were my three go-to ways to see some skin in my time of need.

1. Cable

Thanks to Tipper Gore having nothing better to do, censorship and family values were highly contested and publicized in the media during the ’90s. Music companies started putting Parental Advisory warnings on their CDs. CDs were…never mind, you wouldn’t understand.

And on TV, networks couldn’t show boobs. Well, they could, just with the nipple blurred. But those blurred nips would have to suffice. My late-night sperm-making sessions took place courtesy of The Howard Stern Show and Girls Gone Wild infomercials.

2. Jamie Lee Curtis’ Strip Tease in True Lies

So I would go downstairs and get this VHS tape and put it into a VCR. A VCR was…wait, never mind.

Me being the stealthy 12-year-old hornball that I was, I would always rewind the tape a few scenes before Miss Curtis’ seductive dance. That way, if my parents were in the mood to see Arnold shoot some people, they would be none the wiser to who really enjoyed this film last.

Here’s the clip, you perv:

3. Victoria’s Secret Magazine

If my dad had a porno stash, he certainly did a fantastic job of hiding it. However, the nice people at Victoria’s Secret sent us magazines every month. They might have been addressed to my sister, but I checked the mail like a hawk hoping to intercept it. Oh, Adriana Lima…

Pornography just wasn’t as accessible as it is today, kids. Be thankful for your endless supply of weird shit available at the click of a mouse or the press of a thumb on your fancy smart phones. The first time I saw a nudey mag was in eighth grade at my friend Mike’s house under the guise of working on a science project. For some reason, he was intent on reading the articles, but I only wanted to see the pictures.

The other way you could see some skin, albeit fleeting, was to sneak into the “Adults Only” section of the video store. But you had to have some Michael “Squints” Palledorous-esque balls to pull off such a maneuver, and you were always quickly shooed away and given a stern talking to. Still worth it. Do you kids even remember video stores?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to do some more “research.”

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