Marrying Linda Cohn

Freud believed that every male wants to marry his mom. I’m going to do the king of psychology one better: I want to marry a woman who was more of a mother to me than my own my mother.

Like most of you, I have been watching SportsCenter religiously since I was a lad. I would watch it every morning before school, hoping to catch the top ten plays before my bus arrived. On days when I stayed home “sick” from school, or had a snow day, I would watch SC at least three times in between spank sessions (see: Masturbating In The 90s, shameless plug, I know).

ESPN has some talent on their payroll. Chris Berman is the greatest of all time calling NFL highlights. “This Is SportsCenter” commercials always leave me in stitches. The one with the late Steve Irwin is still my all-time favorite.

SC has hilarious personalities including Steve Levy, Kenny Mayne, John Anderson, and Scott Van Pelt.

But one anchor always stood out to me above the rest: the beautiful Linda Cohn.

One of my biggest pet peeves about women (and yes there are several), is when they claim to be well-versed about sports. These rib stealers claim that they could intelligently discuss sports, but usually their knowledge of athletics is exhausted after naming the starting quarterback for their hometown team. Not my future wife, though. Linda knows her shit. She has been recapping highlights for decades. I remember telling my own mother, “Shh, Linda’s talking,” when she tried talking to me while Cohn was reporting. My mom’s name is Linda, so I bet that one was extra hurtful. Sorry, Mom.

Could you imagine marrying someone who is independently wealthy and who could converse intelligently about not just your favorite team, but their most bitter rival as well? Life would be so sweet. To my knowledge, Linda Cohn is the only female on the planet who fulfills those two requirements. So if you’re reading this, Linda, please get my email address from the PGP staff.

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