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Twenty-five-year-old Scott Brefelstrode sat on Instagram late one night, scrolling through his feed. “LOL so tru” he commented on an @OfficailNFLmemes_ picture about Tony Romo in the fourth quarter, even though the meme was more than likely made by a 9-year-old. The improper use of “should of” instead of “should’ve” should have been a dead giveaway. Also, the misspelling of “official” in the account’s handle. But Scott’s life was so pathetic at that point, an elementary grasp of his native language just flat out wasn’t important to him anymore. He had completely given up.
Scott was on unemployment because he pursued legal action after a box fell on him in a stockroom at the Foot Locker where he worked. Shortly after, his former manager revealed tapes of Brefelstrode pleasuring himself in the stockroom, revealing that his gyrating elbow nudged the shelf, thus dropping the 50-pound box on his shoulder, “disabling” him.
Scott didn’t really have much to look forward to. His days were filled with hurling homophobic insults at British teenagers on XBox Live and trying to get the Dominos guy to hang out with him. His nights were lonely. He had broken up with his girlfriend three years ago and wasn’t exactly crushing it with the ladies. His ex went on to marry a doctor and they now have two beautiful children. Scott had a government-funded Brazzers membership.
He had one thing that gave him joy in life: commenting on Instagram pictures. Scott’s profile (@brefelstroke69) was just as sad as his life. He didn’t have many friends, and he had seven followers who were mostly spam bots. He didn’t have many great memories, and he only had three pictures with zero likes. Two of his pictures were him throwing up what he thought were gang signs in a Sonic parking lot and one was of his grandma in a casket at her funeral. (“#RIP gammy #gone #butnotforgotten #lifeisagift”)
Scott got a text message from his friend from high school, Steve. Steve used to sell whippets to Scott and was always there for him when he was in need of a laugh.
“bro check out this instagram hore @fitchick420blazeit”
“aight homei ill check it put,” Scott responded.
Once he pulled up her profile, he was entranced. @fitchick420blazeit was a voluptuous yet athletic blonde, sometimes brunette, and had one pic where she was a redhead. Most of her pictures prominently featured marijuana or yoga pants. She had 50,000 followers, despite none of her pictures showing her face. She was an athletically built woman, but some pictures made her boobs look bigger than some of the others. Scott wasn’t deterred. He sprung into action, but first stopped on a fake Dirk Nowitzki account to call a 14-year-old kid a homophobic slur.
After he was done berating the eighth grader, Brefelstrode carefully crafted his introduction to @fitchick420blazeit. He browsed her pictures, took note of her interests and let it flow out of him like a river:
“omg so hot”
With a smile of satisfaction on his face, Scott put his phone down and opened up his MacBook, which he stole from the student union at a community college three months ago. Scott put on some System of a Down and was about to open up Brazzers for the fifth time that day when his phone lit up with a push notification from Instagram:
“@fitchick420blazeit mentioned you in a comment: “@brefelstroke69 ;)”
Scott’s heart skipped a beat as he crafted yet another comment to further stoke the flames of seduction that had suddenly been ignited.
“@fitchick420blazeit omg srsly so hot”
Scott continued to comment on @fitchick420blazeit’s profile for the next few weeks.
“i wud go all nite with you #all #nite”
“hottest pic evar”
“i wud cut my dik off 4 u”
“i love u bby”
“thinking about u all tha time”
“good nite pirncess”
Scott knew he needed to step up his pursuit. He had already double-tapped every picture in her profile and even figured out which filters she had used on each of them. After a hefty dinner of two Totino’s pizzas stacked on top of each other, sandwich-style, Scott took to Instagram on his iPad, also stolen from the community college student union.
@fitchick420blazeit had posted a very revealing picture of her posing with a large quantity of marijuana.
“i wish i cud roll u up in a blunt and smoke u”
Scott had to get desperate. @911trutherCODmaster had been receiving most of @fitchick420blazeit’s emoticons lately and Scott had grown jealous. She was his. He may have been just one of 13,987 likes on her pictures, but to him, she was the most important thing in his life.
“@fitchick420blazeit mentioned you in a comment: ‘@brefelstroke6 or maybe u could come over and ill smoke u insted? ;)'”
Scott knew this was his chance. He scoured her profile high and low, looking for any way he could contact her other than leaving his fifth comment of the day about drinking her sweat. He finally saw it. “Contact my agent for booking! 420blazeitchick@hotmail.com”
Scott knew he had one chance, just one chance, at seducing @fitchick420blazeit, and this email was it.
“Hey,
I am scott. I’ve been comenting on ur insty 4 awhile now. I think ur so hott. But not only hott. I think ur personalty and way u carrie urself is so hott. Id really like to meat you some time. I don’t kno if we liv close 2 each other but if ur evar in the D and want the D (lmao), give me a call (***)***-****.
<3 scott”
Scott hit “send” and waited. Days went by. Finally, his cell phone started ringing one day. Scott was half asleep during his second nap of the day and was jolted from his slumber. It was a number from another area code, so he ignored it and went back to sleep. A couple minutes later, his phone lit up again and he answered. “What?”
“Hi, is this Scott?” a female asked on the other end. Scott was shocked. He had not received a phone call from a woman in months, maybe years. “This is ‘At Fit Chick Four-Twenty Blaze It,’ ” she explained with a giggle.
Scott always thought her handle was super badass, but never knew how beautiful it really sounded when spoken outloud.
“Sup?” Scott replied, trying to keep his cool with the woman he so desired on the other end of the phone. He heard a giggle and then she spoke again: “I’m gonna be in the D in a couple of weeks. Let’s go grab a drink. I’d love to meet you.”
Scott obliged her request and they set a date to grab dinner.
The next two weeks went by at a snail’s pace for Scott. He could not wait to meet @fitchick420blazeit. He knew it would be love.
They would have dinner at Logan’s Roadhouse. Scott knew it was the best place to impress a woman, especially one as prime as @fitchick420blazeit.
Scott waited and waited, as he ate peanuts and ordered three Dr. Peppers. Finally he felt a tap on his shoulder. He whipped around, his mouth filled with peanuts, and he saw a vision of beauty. It was not the curvy, athletic blonde/brunette/redhead from @fitchick420blazeit’s profile. It was a portly woman who looked to be in her early twenties, with frazzled hair and a Hollister shirt that appeared to be a couple sizes too small. Scott wondered if she had ever fit in that shirt a day in her life.
He greeted her with a hug and sat in shock, as his visions of paintballing with @fitchick420blazeit vanishing into thin air. @fitchick420blazeit’s real name was Katherine, and Katherine was actually way hotter than Scott’s ex-girlfriend. Immediately, Scott knew that even though this was not the hottie he had been enamored with for several weeks, there was still something there.
They hit it off, of course, after Katherine gushed romantically about her job at Sonic. Scott threw the platter of Texas toast and mozzerella sticks to the ground, beckoning Katherine to make love to him. Scott loved Sonic. He could only imagine how much free stuff he could get by being with a woman who worked at his favorite drive-in restaurant.
The two made love for what they believed to be an eternity, although it was only two minutes until the manager came out of his office to throw the two of them out. They went back to Scott’s basement apartment, where they made the sex until the wee hours of the morning, stopping only a few times to watch episodes of “Two and a Half Men,” smoke the rest of Scott’s dimebag of schwag, and order Dominos.
Two months later, the two were happily married. This is still the only instance where a man successfully married a woman by commenting on her Instagram pics.
Congratulations, Scott and Katherine.
Respond
Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
@BrianMcGannon
@brianmcgannon
brianmcgannon
Brought a tear to my eye. Brilliant
I was under the assumption RogerSterlingJr never shed a tear.
You know what they say about when you assume…
So you’re saying there’s a chance?
Have you ever considered writing your own line of romance novels? Nicholas Sparks better watch his back.
No, that is Rob Fox’s territory
:Totino’s pizzas stacked on top of each other, sandwich-style”
O….M….G…. I have always just folded one in half like a taco. This is brilliant and the best news!
Innovation is the true measure of how society is judged.
Do you not love love, McGannon?
I used to cut myself to Dashboard Confessional… I love Love.
This is so damn funny, it’s like Steinbeck meets South Park.
This is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Your mom’s not bad, McGunners!
lyk dis if u cry everytim
Here’s to hoping that Scott will be making a cameo some time in the life of Gil Humplestead in the near future. Sounds like Scott is just crushing it in life right now.
don’t cross the streams.
Welp I’m dead now. The brilliance of this column has actually killed me. Thanks a lot, Brian!
I can’t focus on whatever brilliance you’ve created because I’m too busy shamelessly scrolling up to settle my eyes on those smoking hotties.
I’m just going to migrate the eye candy down in this direction, thank me later.
Ah, that’s better, all is right in the world.