======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Welcome to the PGP Mailbag, wherein I will answer questions from you, our readers. Send your questions to dillon@grandex.co. All topics welcome.
Hey Dillon.
So my boyfriend is a horny little bastard. I just cannot keep up with this guy’s sex drive and I don’t know what to do about it.
For some background, we’ve been together over 2 years and moved in together a few months ago. We probably have sex 5 or 6 times (not days) a week, but some nights I’m just not in the mood. After a long day at work I crawl into bed, exhausted and ready to relax, but then I have to spend at least 10 minutes swatting his hands away and telling him to go to sleep. If I shut him down, he gets kind of mock angry. Like in a joking way but still irritated. And when I tell him to stop guilt tripping me for not being in the mood, he just jokes, “oh, sorry I’m turned on by getting into bed with my girlfriend.”
I’ve never lived with a guy before, so is sex every night supposed to be the norm or something? And if not, how do I get him to drop these long attempts that leave us both irritated with one another? Some nights it’s just not gonna happen and I want to go to sleep without wasting 10 minutes getting that through his head.
No, I don’t believe sex every night is the norm, especially after two years of being together. I know some couples who have sex, on average, more than once per day, and I know couples who go months without it. Sad, but true. So it’s all over the place.
If I had to guess what “the norm” is for an established couple living together, I’d guess it’s about three times per week. The good news here is that homeboy is still very much into you after two years. The bad news is you have to have a possibly uncomfortable conversation with him about keeping it in his pants from time to time. Make that dude understand that you don’t always want it, and forcing it for his sake takes the fun out of it for you.
Hey Dillon,
So I’ve got a problem. I’ve been dating my gf for a little over 3 months, and before that I spent some time with her (since my best friend happens to be her step brother). As expected I asked my bro if it was cool to go for his step sister before I made ANY moves. Of course he said that was fine (being the bomb bro that he was) and I made my attempt.
The problem didn’t come until about a month into our relationship when I started getting countless shit from the bro about not making time for the bros and always being with my girl. If more of the bros were giving me shit I’d be more concerned but he’s the only one so it’s more of a jealously thing in my eyes.
How can I fix this? If he was just a friend I’d drop his ass so fast. But we’re more than friends now, and Im in love with his step sister so I have no idea what I need to do. Thanks for the help!
It’s always really annoying when your friend gets locked down with a new girl and suddenly stops coming around the squad. I get that things are new and exciting with the new chick so you want to spend all your free time with her, and it’s to be expected that you’d be hanging out with your boys a little less because of it, but to stop coming around completely is messed up.
Don’t be that guy. That guy sucks. Hard. Maybe he’s being jealous like you say, or maybe, since he’s closest to you among your friends, he’s simply acting as the mouthpiece of the squad, and you are, in fact, acting like a little bitch here. Again, I don’t know enough to make a ruling in your favor or in his. Earnestly evaluate the situation, though. Step back and look at it from afar. What would a neutral party think?
You fix it by making time for your boys.
P.S. Please, for the love of GOD, stop saying “bro.”
Hey Dillon,
I’ve got a bit of an odd submission here for you. I have been selected to participate in a university run dating show, modeled after (ripping off) The Dating Game. I don’t think I will have any trouble being more interesting than the saltine cracker of a person that is Arie, but as someone who spends more time consuming and discussing than me, what are some pro-tips to truly making myself stand out? Hopefully I can parley this endeavor into becoming a C-List celebrity.
All the best,
A Toucher.
Going off the assumption that you’re not actually expecting to walk away from this with a real significant other (those people are psychotic), you have to find a way to be polarizing. That’s how you stand out and become a brand that transcends the show.
Look at Chad from JoJo’s season of The Bachelorette. He spent his days in the house working out, housing deli meats, and aggressively alpha-ing every dude in the house. America hated him, but America loved him at the same time. And now he’s “Chad from The Bachelorette” with 271k followers on Instagram. He’s a brand.
Love this column. Been reading Grandex stuff since it was niche greek life content.
I apparently have a problem. I thought it was a one-time thing with an insecurity boy but it happened again so it might actually be me.
So backstory, my friend that I met through alcohol and the greek system in college who lives in the same area as me is usually my go-to date for events. That means that instagram and facebook has us looking very couple-y every year since 2011. We are not a couple. We have never been a couple. Never will be. He’s my designated date.
Since there’s about 2 to 4 eligible post-grad men in my area and going alone to my events means I’m the only single person. I don’t like that. Plus he’s fun and I’m fun and we have lots of fun together. But no, not that kind of “fun.” The sexual tension died about 3 years ago. Now we just send each other ted talks and memes. This is just a platonic friendship between a guy and a girl that occasionally dress up and get wasted at nice events together.
My past boyfriends have been put off by it. They usually bring it up and I tell them that he’s my friend and there’s nothing else. The actual truth! I liked my recent ex so much that I went so far as to delete my friend off social media and stopped talking to him. For two whole weeks. Because after that my ex broke things off and yelled that my friend was a big reason why we didn’t work out. My friend who I didn’t even see during the entire relationship. 6 months! I laughed of course since that’s ridiculous, but that made him angrier. Lol and good riddance to that waste of time.
Still this isn’t the first time. And since all of the guys I date are exactly like the guys (ex-frat boys turned young professionals) that read this I’m here asking you and the comment section if it makes it to that.
Real talk: Is my friendship of 7+ years hurting my dating life? Do guys actually feel threatened by a nonthreat? Am I going to start going alone to my nice events???
Dating in a Desert
You didn’t actually specify this, but I think maybe you’re going to events with him and hanging with him and tagging him in memes and shit while you’re dating someone else? I might be wrong. If you’re doing all this, meaning you’re essentially choosing attention from the friend instead of the guy you’re actually dating, then yeah I can see why that would be a problem for them.
However, if they’re threatened simply because one of your best friends has a penis, then it’s an insecurity issue. Telling these guys, “Look, _____ is just a really good friend and there’s nothing there” should be enough. If it’s not, we got problems.
It all depends on how you’re interacting with the friend while you’re dating someone.
What’s Good King,
So I’m just going to get to it here. I’ve been dating this girl for about 5 months now. She’s awesome, nice, super sweet and thoughtful, and her family is awesome and love me. But there is a catch. She puts me on this pedestal and paints me out to be god’s gift to earth (I don’t blame her). I get this feeling like she tip toes around me cause she’s scared I’m just going to up and leave at any given moment. I feel like what she’s doing is actually having the opposite effect of what she wants and kind of makes me want to break things off. Also, here’s the kicker, I’m not turned on by her. I’ve usually never had a problem getting aroused by a chick I want to be in bed with, unless of course alcohol is involved.
I know sex isn’t everything, but it sure as hell plays a role in a relationship these days. Because of all this, I’ve been finding myself thinking about other women and becoming a little distant lately. I am kind of in a pickle here with what to do. I’m not sure if I should just end things or see what happens. Like I said before, she’s an awesome, thoughtful, and attractive girl. I just don’t know if I’m in my own head about this whole thing. I could use some outside advice if you don’t mind.
Appreciate any insight you have to offer.
I have a theory that I’m ready to share with the world, and here it is: Whenever someone describes their significant other as “nice,” they are A: not into them, and B: know that breaking up with them is inevitable.
And here this guy threw in a “super sweet” for good measure, as if saying she’s nice wasn’t enough to compensate for her shortcomings that he is sure to tell us about next.
This relationship is over; you just haven’t made it official yet. Stop wasting everyone’s time here, especially hers, and end it. It’s true that sex isn’t everything, but it is something, and physical chemistry is a vital part to any strong relationship. She can be awesome and funny and “nice” and a hundred other good things, but if you aren’t into what’s going on between the sheets, she’s better off being a candidate for friendship..
The more questions I receive, the better this series is going to be, so send me your Mailbag questions to dillon@grandex.co and please put “Mailbag” in the subject line.
Respond
Dillon Cheverere
Dillon Cheverere is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email: dillon@grandex.co
@dcheverere
@dcheverere
RogerJDorn
Hahahaha @ the guy getting mad about “only” having sex 5-6 times a week…wait until marriage you fool
I have a few friends with kids… it only gets worse from what I’ve heard. Godspeed.
Can confirm. Source: myself, Dad for 11 months and counting.
Bro bro bro, bro bro. Bro.
Also to the guy dating the nice girl, been there. Dillon is 100% right tho, you are wasting both of your time.
To the last guy: why are you dating someone you’re not physically attracted to?
Attracted to her, but not sexually..
That doesn’t make sense
Ugh the last post breaks my heart. That girl is me over and over.
It also sucks for the guy breaking up with the nice girl when you genuinely respect them as a person, but just aren’t feeling it.
100%. It’s hard to have your heartbroken, but it’s equally as hard, if not harder, to have to break someone else’s heart. Especially if they didn’t really do anything “conventionally” wrong.
Huh. You should tell that to my ex. She seemed to relish in that shit.
Then she’s a trash human being.
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
See this is the SOML.
Do guys that aren’t physically attracted to you keep dating you or do you keep putting guys on a pedestal? Because if it’s the latter, stop it! No one likes being put on a pedestal because it’s embarrassing and honestly, degrading.
My relationship with my girlfriend wouldn’t be the same if she didn’t bring my sometimes cocky self to earth and remind me that while she does love me, my shit doesn’t smell like roses.
Sometimes the only thing we need to hear is how big of an idiot we are from the person we love the most
Exactly. Because only the people that truly love us will be honest about our strengths AND our faults.
No I don’t think I have an issue w the sex thing it’s more like it takes a while for me to get comfortable with someone and then once I do I want them to feel appreciated so I guess maybe I do put them on a pedestal? Idk it’s like the guy is the more interested one at first and then once I catch up suddenly they lose interest and disappear. My last 3 exes turned out that way and it’s starting to take a toll, lol. I do tease guys and call them out on their shit and I try to do it in a way that’s not bitchy but sometimes I just feel like I’m being a bitch so I back off and maybe that’s where I go wrong lol. I really don’t know.
If they are bailing once you let your walls down and show the same amount of interest that they initially showed you, then that’s on them. It’s hard for some people to let their guard down and any normal person should understand this. Don’t allow their issues to steal your joy.
You should be yourself 110% of the time. Don’t pull back on calling them out at all. Handle it how you want to handle it. You’re going to find someone that appreciates you and falls in love with you for who you are, and the uniqueness you bring to the table. Full stop.
Keep killin’ it, Queen.
Um…. sup?
Sup, Jackie? Here’s to hoping you have a joyful day!
You gotta do better than “Here’s to hoping you have a joyful day!” after she puts it all on the line and hits you with a sup.
Are you available for hire as a motivational speaker because dang I feel good after reading that.
See, I think this whole “always be yourself” thing is total bullshit. No one is saying that you have to completely revamp your personality, but if you’ve dated for years and with different people and the same thing keeps happening, at what point do you begin to ask yourself whether it’s you and not them?
Relationships take work, and if you were at work doing something wrong over and over and over again, wouldn’t you probably change how you were doing it in order to fix it? Why wouldn’t the same thing apply to a relationship?
What happens when she gets in a relationship with someone who only likes the “toned down” version of her? She has to live her life like that for the rest of that relationship (and the whole point of this dating bullshit is to find one that lasts forever) or risk that person not liking her when she ultimately exposes them to her true self
I think my comment got misconstrued. I’m not saying that she should fundamentally change her personality or pretend she’s being someone she isn’t. That’s obviously asinine. All I’m saying is there’s clearly a common denominator for why guys are losing interest and when you have dating failures with multiple people due to the same reason, that common denominator is generally you.
Here, I’ll give an example: when my last girlfriend broke up with me, one of the reasons she cited was that I was too dismissive – I didn’t give enough priority to her wants and needs and mine always trumped hers. When I reflected back on my previous relationships, I remembered how my previous girlfriends had also mentioned this to me. So I decided that this was my common denominator fault and worked on it both before I met my current girlfriend and am still working on it now. While it still does come up, I’m much more cognizant of it. It’s also the best relationship I’ve ever been in. I don’t necessarily attribute that to coincidence.
what do you broker, Miss?
-Fellow broker
Sorry this was meant for @BrokerageBetch
I give up
I think you’re overthinking it. PGP community correct me if I’m wrong, but I think that most guys don’t need constant assurance that they’re appreciated; we tend to assume that we are unless stuff happens that makes us think otherwise. I’m limited by the info you’ve provided, but to me, it sounds like you become insecure in the relationship and get clingy, which of course freaks the guy out in early stages and he leaves.
The criticism that 19th Hole and I are talking about is stuff that happens later in relationships. He’s married and my girlfriend and I live together and have openly discussed marriage (when, not if). It’s the kind of stuff that takes time to build. I’d honestly be weirded out if my girlfriend started criticizing me a few months into the relationship.
I don’t really mean like criticize I make fun that’s how I flirt. But I kinda back off once I realize I like them. But ok I guess I never thought of myself as clingy but that’s fair. Thanks for taking the time to explain all that.
I flirt with girls in a similar way and some definitely don’t like it. It used to bother me but sarcasm and shit talking (within reason of course) is a huge part of my personality so I gave up trying to change that. Some guys might be put off by it.. I don’t think I’ve dated girls who have “put me on a pedestal” so to say, but agree with a lot of these comments that guys dont (or at least myself) don’t need constant reassurance. Having some thought into what I may way as far as activities and life and some sex here and there and hey I’m good to go
May want* shit.
As a counterpoint, when I read what you said it seems like you are just in your own head about your dating.
I’ve gone through something similar where after a couple months of dating a girl, I wasn’t feeling it for a number of reasons. Put down on paper they aren’t anything significant individually but everything added up to me not feeling right about continuing things. It’s nothing knocking her as a person, I just didn’t feel like we were compatible.
I’m sure she is thinking the same thing as you, that somethings wrong with her, be it clingy or whatever. That wasn’t the case with her and I’m sure it’s not with you.
Sometimes though, people aren’t right for eachother. It sucks when one person feels that way because it takes two people feeling it’s right to progress Thru a relationship. I say just keep doing you and being true to what you feel is right. Your mans is out there and you WILL find him!
Lies, they literally chant your name at the beginning of the show. You’re all about the pedestal.
Don’t stop doing you.
Thank you everyone for the above and beyond advice and differing opinions. You guys rock 🙂
To the girl with the platonic friend, you literally cut him off the second you can replace him with an “official” partner? Even if he isn’t your BFF, you’re close enough to him to post photos with him and all that? Yeah, I think you need to start doing a few things alone, because you’re virtually treating him like a human prop to foster some sort of outward appearance you find necessary. There’s nothing wrong doing plenty of things solo, by the way.
She also didn’t mention anything about the other guys relationships (problems, successes, etc) which is confusing to me. It seems like if the other guy was dating all of the time and had pictures with other girls than it would be easy to explain her friendship, but if the guy doesn’t appear to date anyone else it is easier to understand new boyfriend issues.
Also, is the fact the sexual tension “died out 3 years ago” a 100% mutual feeling or do you just think it is because it did for you? You’re the one asking him to attend all these events, which results in the photos making you look like a couple. If he’s not running into these problems with his own potential partners, dude could be conceal and carrying a torch for you.
Man you read these posts and it’s hard not to yearn for the day the robots overtake the human race.
Nived?
Rule of thumb for friendship with a new significant other/adult friendship in general: Don’t say no to more than two consecutive invitations. Initiating and planning something gets you a bonus point to play with
True. My brother did this with his AWFUL girlfriend. Now he has a miserable relationship with no friends to drink the sorrow away with
Having fun takes work.
If a guy can’t handle that a girl can have platonic male friends, that’s weak as hell and he’s inevitably going to be possessive with jealousy issues. Run for the hills.
I’d much rather date someone with a diverse and interesting social circle of girls and guys than a girl who only has women friends.
I might be jaded by my past but I was cheated on by a ex’s “platonic” friend so I think I go into relationships now immediately wary.
I agree which is partially the reason a broke up with my ex. Her and her friends constantly thought I was going to cheat on her with one of my best female friends who i have been platonic with 8 years.
My wife had one of those platonic friends where both sides have always rooted for them to get married. You just suck it up and move through it. Now he and I are really good friends……. their families still might want them to get married but that’s not my problem.
I’ve never understood the people not attracted to their significant other. Don’t be shallow, but lust comes before love.
Am I the only one that took the second situation as he’s NOT actually neglecting his boys since no one but the step brother thinks so?
Hard to tell in a short mailbag post, but my experience is that when a guy gets attached and he denies an invitation more than twice in a row then he will get the proper amount of shit when the rest of the boys are together. If it continues it usually falls on one of guys (usually a roommate or “best” friend) to be the first one to say something. The group may have unofficially decided that the step brother should be that guy this time but again it is hard to tell from a short question.