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Welcome to the PGP Mailbag, wherein I will answer questions from you, our readers. Send your questions to dillon@grandex.co. All topics welcome.
Dillon,
I know you’ve covered this topic before but I’m still struggling with when is the right time to have sex with someone. For me, sex is intimate and special and I’ve always waited until at least after the “what are we” talk. I guess I’ve been worried that men will look at me differently if I agreed to it too soon and then it would be wasted. But the men I’ve seen in the past always took it like I was waiting because I didn’t trust them or something.
Well recently I met someone and we hit it off right away… it was one of those times where you know you just met but it feels like you’ve known each other for years. Around the 3rd date, it was feeling like the “right time.” Just as things were getting hot and heavy, if you will, he literally pushed me off of him and gave me this whole long speech about how he won’t take me seriously if I sleep with him right then.
I was super take aback and my feelings were hurt. When I expressed this, he told me I should take it as a compliment (? I still don’t understand that). Anyways, the next morning was awkward and later that day he texted me and told me he wasn’t interested in seeing me anymore. Obviously, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t like me for me, but it was so embarrassing and I just felt dirty and very rejected. He made me feel like I was throwing myself at him when really, I was just trying to be in the moment. I never want to feel that way again and now I don’t know what to do the next time I’m dating someone. I’d really appreciate your insight on this. Thank you.
Hear me out here. It’s very possible this guy has a legit backbone and he rejected you because sleeping with someone you intend on ending it with the very next day is a scummy thing in that circumstance. Had you two had sex and he hit you that rejection text the next day, I bet you’d be feeling much worse about things than you do now. Decent guys are out there, you know.
You didn’t do anything wrong, so don’t be hard on yourself. You were simply feeling it more than he was, you made your move, and he made the right call of not having the sex. No one likes feeling rejected so it’s normal and okay to feel embarrassed about it, but we all go through it. You’re good. On to the next.
Hey Dillon,
You know how every now and then you enter a time in your life where you’re seemingly irresistible to the opposite sex? Well I’m in the midst of this now, after a long dry spell. Bumble and the apps have been blowing up and I’ve been averaging around 3 dates per week. The guys (about 4 in rotation right now) have been fine, but there hasn’t been one that’s more exceptional than the others. I’m physically attracted to all of them, have fun with them, and have been on some really great dates. I genuinely enjoy getting to know them, but don’t really feel that “spark” or see a future with anyone right now.
Now that third/fourth dates are approaching, I need to know… Am I a terrible person if I sleep with someone I’ve been dating with zero intention of it leading to exclusivity? Should I communicate upfront that I’m not looking for anything serious? Or am I a free agent to just go do it? I haven’t lied to any of them, but I haven’t specifically voiced that I’m seeing others either. (IE: “Can’t do Tuesday, grabbing drinks with a friend.”) This is my first time dating multiple people and I don’t want to fuck it up or collect bad karma. Help!
What a segue. Did I nail that or did I nail that?
Are you a terrible person for sleeping with someone you don’t intend on being exclusive with? No, I don’t think so. Terrible is a strong word. Are there better ways to handle the situation? Certainly. The best course to take is letting that person know you don’t want to be exclusive with them, “but also…sex?” That’s in a perfect world, though. There are other ways to put it, too. As you suggest, “I’m not looking for anything serious” is perfectly acceptable and probably the route you should take.
Also, and maybe this is just me, if I’m dating someone who is dating others at the same time, that’s her right and that’s fine with me, but I believe she should let me know about them IF she is sleeping with someone else while dating me. Am I wrong for this? Maybe I’m a square or old-fashioned but sex is an intimate damn thing and I’d like to not be sharing her sexually with another dude. Am I implying sex = exclusivity? Fuck, maybe.
Hey Dillon,
I actually have two questions,
So I was recently asked by my childhood best friend to be his best man. He is the first of my friends to get married, and in reality I’ve only been to a few weddings before. This being the first wedding that I’m in, I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing or supposed to do as the best man. I know I’m supposed to plan a not shitty bachelor party and all but like besides that, what are the normal duties that I’m supposed to do. Google and Dad are just plain unhelpful, you seem well versed in the wedding world, so hopefully you can shed some light on the issue for people like me.
Second, as the best man I know I have to give a speech at the reception, any advice on how to not give a terrible speech? I’m not looking to give the Gettysburg Address but I’m also not looking to be remembered for how bad it is.
Your duties as best man are as follows:
• plan the bachelor party
• be available to the groom when he needs you
• give a speech at the rehearsal dinner or the wedding reception
While not a requirement, you should also surprise him with a meaningful side gift at some point, like on the wedding day. My best man surprised me with a Westvleteren 12, a beer many believe to be the best in the world. He had traveled to Belgium about a month prior and brought it back for me. I drank it about an hour before the ceremony surrounded by my best friends. An awesome gesture that I’ll never forget.
Keep your speech under five minutes, make some jokes, roast him a little bit (but don’t get too personal), and sign off with something heartfelt. Oh, and don’t get too drunk before delivering it. Just a little drunk, for confidence.
Hey Dillon,
Love the series and all the podcasts. My question is about guys showing interest. I met a guy at work (doesn’t work at my office just in the same building) about a week ago and he immediately texted me that afternoon saying we should hang out sometime. Seemed super into me and really excited to see me again. Then, nothing. I haven’t heard from him since. My question is: why would he even show interest and text me in the first place if it (seems) like he has no intention of following up on a date.
Well, it’s only been a week. It’s very possible the dude is just busy and hasn’t had a free night to hang out yet. Or maybe the conversation simply stalled. Are you a shitty texter? Does he even know you’re interested? Maybe he doesn’t, because maybe you haven’t given him a reason to give you his attention.
It’s also possible he met someone else who is getting his attention now instead of you.
Solution: Throw him a text and find out what’s up.
Dillon/Dorno,
I’m a Junior finance guy at the esteemed alma mater of PGP’s very own Will DeFries. Started reading TFM back in early 2014 before migrating to PGP last year. Always enjoy the content. Anyway, on to my issue:
Last year, I was a trash human being, no way around it. Broke a girl’s heart early on first semester, and it just got worse from there. Slept around, drank way too much too often, and treated a lot of people pretty badly. I was emotionally unavailable and selfish. This year, I’m proud to say I’ve gotten my act together and mended a lot of the bridges I burned. Trouble is, I don’t know how to actually ask a girl on a date anymore. My game outside of sweet-talking at bars and parties is weak af. Any advice for a guy looking to get serious this time around? Would appreciate the help.
First of all, congrats on overcoming your shitbagness.
Interesting question coming from a college student, I must say. I think the move, aside from jumping on a dating app, would be to try and meet girls outside of parties and bars. Library, class, rec center, etc. Also I know nothing about the college scene anymore so maybe someone else can help you out. Good luck..
The more questions I receive, the better this series is going to be, so send me your Mailbag questions to dillon@grandex.co and please put “Mailbag” in the subject line.
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Dillon Cheverere
Dillon Cheverere is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email: dillon@grandex.co
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I can’t even imagine the type of mental strength (insanity) it would take to push a woman off of me when she’s willing to have sex. Wild stuff.
If a guy ever pushed me off of him like that I would be absolutely floored. And then probably hide from all other men forever.
I’m less bothered by the fact that he didn’t want to have sex (shocking but fine, whatever) and more ticked off that he tried to put it on(not in) her. If he’s not into her and being a good guy by not f**king and dumping, fine, have the balls to say that. Don’t make her feel like shit by saying girls who sleep with guys can’t be taken seriously/respected. That’s an asshole thing to say.
Why? One asshole/guy who has legitimate or not problems doesn’t represent the rest of the male population.
Didn’t mean it like that. I’d just be mortified.
Shocking stuff indeed. Can only infer that he found out that he isn’t attracted to the female body. And when I say the female body, I don’t mean hers, I mean every female body. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I mean maybe he’s just got a strong moral compass like some weirdo, and didn’t wanna smash and dash.
Or a virgin
Or he already is in a relationship and suddenly got a conscious…
Conscience*
A rotation of 4? Damn, still looking for a rotation of 1.
no kidding. i’m pretty sure i just got ghosted after 6 dates lol
You made it to 6 dates? I haven’t been on a sixth date since….HS. Unless fwb situations count.
Dude…that’s rough. Fuck people.
The juxtaposition of the first two posts is mind-blowing. Excellent work.
The use of juxtaposition was excellent work. Sup?
Right back at ya!
How the hell do people afford 3 dates a week?
She likely isn’t paying for them.
Wow, Dillllion, it’s 2017. Women can pay their own way ya know
They can…but they don’t. God forbid you take them up on the offer to split, you will be crucified in her group text the next day. Best to just bite the bullet and charge it.
You’re dating the wrong girls then
I always offered to split when I was dating field – especially on a first date, I don’t want anyone to feel obligated to buy my beer if we don’t click.
How in the hell does anyone have time to even just GO on 3 dates a week?
Girl 1 definitely did nothing wrong and something was up with that guy, either a personal thing or he wasn’t into it and isn’t an asshole. Sucks that happened when you like someone but try to shake that off and shouldn’t get down on yourself. #2, coming from a guy whose (by some miracle) been in that situation before, I felt it was right to tell them once it got past like date 2-3. I’ve also been told before by a girl I went on a couple dates with that she had also been on a few dates with, and eventually slept with, someone else. I felt kinda shitty, but in the end I way appreciated the honesty and was glad she didn’t just sleep with both of us or something days apart being the germophobe I am. if someone has an issue with that it’s probly cause it’s not them haha
Four guys in rotation? Damn, shawty gettin’ done good
Or not if she has to keep looking
Shouts to Miami U, alma mater of PGP’s own realDonald
I have never been prouder of Miami than in this moment. Thank you, realDonald.
Beat the clock is better at Ohio State
Nothing is better at Ohio State
The football is better
Suck my cock, I’ll murder your family
Mr. President I speak for all the creatures of Ohio when I say you NEED to dig up the pgp columbus reddit thread and join the group chat
Go Bobcats
Shouts to the Nasty Nati though
What do Miami and OU students have in common? They both got into OU
“Just as things were getting hot and heavy, if you will, he literally pushed me off of him and gave me this whole long speech about how he won’t take me seriously if I sleep with him right then.”
Fuccccckkkk this guy. I disagree that he’s a decent person. Props for not sleeping with her if he was going to end it the next day, but seriously? Find a less sexist justification for it. There’s no reason for him to act like her wanting to sleep with him after three dates (a common time frame) makes her less worthy of respect or less likely to be “taken seriously.” Maybe he didn’t mean it like that, but I feel like there are better ways to turn it down that wouldn’t make her feel degraded.
Calm down Lena Dunham
Hey now. No one dislikes Lena Dunham and her over reactive whining about non-issues more than me, but ^that is a solid point. I won’t reiterate why that guy is a dick because GSD said it all.
So, I’m submission number 5 (college kid trying not to be shitty). Open call for advice from my elders in the comment section on navigating this dating landscape. Any do’s or don’ts you all recall from your undergrad years?
Do: continue drinking too much
Don’t: overthink situations and just shoot your shot
EXCELLENT username/pic
Echoing Kimber, that is an all-time username.
That said, thank you. I think I’ve been getting in my own way a bit. Gotta bite the bullet and go for it.
Best place to find girls with long term potential at a college campus is the dining halls. Not everybody goes out to bars but everyone eats. The fact that there’s a wide variety of girls to choose from, the girl having her guard down from this being a calm setting and the fact that lots of people who eat alone might want someone to talk to are all things that you can use to your advantage. Another thing I recommend is that after you ask her out and she says yes, say something like “it’s a date” so there’s no ambiguity of what kind of interaction it is.
Treat people as you’d want to be treated and always, ALWAYS, just be upfront and honest with people.
Before you know it, some girl will be throwing up on your shoes at a party then in then in the blink of an eye she’s your wife
Thank you, 19th. Pukers = keepers. Got it.
Do: Be upfront if something isn’t going anywhere. Better to rip off the band aid then have someone continue building nonreciprocated feelings for you.
Don’t: Rob casinos, Be afraid to meet different creatures
Much appreciated, PGDolphin. Although I always thought that robbing the casino could be that big romantic gesture people talk about…
Above all, be respectful. It’s the best quality to be known for. Some places to meet people you might have something in common with could be intramurals, clubs, or even working on campus. Lastly, something that took me a while to learn- try to listen more than talk, it’s important not only in relationships, but in careers as well. Enjoy it though, it goes fast!
Revert back to your degenerate ways. The window of opportunity to drink, do drugs, and take advantage of young girls is getting smaller by the day…. seriously though, don’t go out of your way to settle down. Focus on enjoying your last couple years of college, just try not to be a dick about it. If you happen to meet the right girl, you’ll know.
Try Church, group projects, co Ed intramurals for sure
Every girl I know wants to meet their husband in the library and it’s always full of attractive people. Also, just be a functioning degenerate and you’ll be fine.
On to the next one is the right advice for the second girl. If you don’t see it going anywhere with any of the four guys, why waste your/or their time? Seems like hopping back on bumble and finding someone who isn’t just average with no “spark” is the move.