======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
In the break room the other day, I couldn’t help but stare at one of my coworkers. I watched him hold a spoon overhand as he scooped and shoveled oatmeal into his mouth. Was it the weirdest thing I’ve seen? No. But was it was particularly weird and a little gross to look at? Oh yeah – I couldn’t look away. I was truly fascinated how someone has been able to get to his upper twenties and eat like a primate with no understanding of the opposable thumb. A few minutes passed by, and we made a bit of small talk as we there were only three people in the room, including the Missing Link. He made a little small talk as he ate, and all the while, out of the corner of my eye, I saw I saw another coworker holding her temples and staring away.
The caveman left the staff room, and as soon as the door closed, my other coworker let out one of the longest sighs I’ve heard in my life. “I can’t look at people eat like that,” she sputtered. “I want to throw up and simultaneously punch him in the face, I’m sorry, it’s just my pet peeve.” We had some small chit-chat, but shortly after we both left, I kept thinking about pet peeves. I mean, sure, our mutual coworker looked like an idiot, but did it make me want to inflict bodily harm on him? Not really. Did I think my other coworker’s reaction was too much? Not at all. Because while I don’t mind grown-ups who eat like a toddler, there certainly are a few other things that bother me. But how much is too much?
Loud Chewing/Mouth Noises:
Nope, nope, nope. This is my number one, people. The golden goose. I cannot be in the same room with anyone eating something with a crunch or a pop or a noshing noise. Just thinking about that scenario has made my hair stand on end. I need to find a pillow and scream into it immediately. Misophonia is real, people, fucking respect it.
Not Using Turn Signals:
Unless you’re Amish, in which case you’re throwing ‘bows and hands out of your buggy, you should be using your damn turn signal! Car manufacturers put these little miracle mechanisms in our automobiles for a reason, monsters. Stop being terrible, or forfeit your driver’s license and common sense card.
The Mispronunciation of the First Vowel in the Word ‘Bagel’:
This drives me insane. I’m shuddering just hearing this over and over in my head, not to mention losing IQ points. I stopped going to a place in town because the woman behind the counter wanted to know if I wanted my ‘beg-el’ toasted. Excuse me? Beg your pardon? I believe that there is only one E in the word bagel. My skin crawled right out the door and I never came back. (See also: the mispronunciation of ‘pillow’ and ‘milk’.)
Someone Who Wants to Share Dessert:
Excuse me? Beg your pardon? Get. Your. Own. Spoon. (Not a fork, because I will stab you with it.)
Is it me, or do slow walkers always come in packs of at least 3, and take up your whole path? And why are they always oblivious to the fact that you’re trying to get by? I do not consider myself a speed walker by any means, but it really pisses me off when I’m walking along at a normal clip and then hit a wall of lead-footed losers. While I’ve always been tempted to yell “MOVE!” at the top of my lungs, I usually tamper down my rage by letting out a nice, long sigh as I fly by them.
Color Commentary from Washed Up Athletes at Sporting Events:
Pardon me, I didn’t know John Wooden was reincarnated into the slob sitting a row behind me, spewing his “knowledge” to everyone in a five-seat radius. A slow simmering hate begins to boil in me every time that one guy (who most definitely peaked in high school after his lone year of varsity) finds it necessary to let the refs know how they missed that last call, or lean over and tell their buddy what they would do if they were coaching, or God forbid, yell “And one!” as the ball is going up in the air. I mean, call me crazy, but every game already has refs and coaches, and they’re out on the field or court, so sit down and shut the fuck up.
Clapping When the Plane Lands:
When did this start, and more importantly, who is responsible? I want to kick the moron who started this right in the shins. The plane landed, WOW. That’s what it’s supposed to do! Why are you clapping, you asshats? The pilot is not looking for positive encouragement, for God’s sake. They do not need the approval of some idiot from Coach who almost locked himself in the bathroom and couldn’t program his TV. I mean, is this your first flight? Are you wearing wings like kids under 12? Act like you’ve been here before, you peasant. Say “thank you” to the crew on the way out the door, and move on with your day.
People Up Your Ass In a Line:
The last time I remember wanting someone all up on me was during the eighth grade dance when ‘Peaches N Cream’ came on. That was then, and this is now, and I am a card-carrying member of team #PersonalSpace. So when someone stands on top of me in a line, I get incredibly aggravated. Do they somehow think that standing a millimeter away from me will get them to the front of the line faster? It won’t. Do I want to feel their hot breath on me? I don’t. This is flu season after all.
Not Wiping Down Equipment or Re-Racking Weights at the Gym:
Nothing like wanting to get a little lift in and looking down at the bench and seeing some swamp ass imprint. Disgusting. Filthy. Obscene. Vomit inducing. I could go on, but really, I want to find the asshole who doesn’t wipe down the machine and follow them around chanting “Shame”, a la ‘Game of Thrones’. And seriously, leaving all of the weights on the rack?!? I am a delicate flower. I shouldn’t have to drag multiple plates across the gym, clearly straining my dainty muscles while whatever giant wildebeest gets his (or her) protein powder smoothie. Re-rack your weights you inconsiderate trashhole.
Krystal’s Voice From The Bachelor:
Oh, my God, I can’t handle this bitch’s voice. Not only is she delusional, she has without a doubt the worst voice in the world. I take full responsibility that episode one I said that Krystal seems like a nice lady, but her voice is annoying. I would now like to clarify that she is a phony ass ho whose voice is the proverbial nails on a chalkboard. I had to mute the TV and put on subtitles because her voice made my eardrums bleed… last night’s sendoff was an answer to my prayers. And then I remembered there was After The Final Rose and Paradise. I would rather listen to a 48-hour marathon of ‘The Nanny’ than listen to one more second of Krystal. Dear God (Chris Harrison), keep her off television.
So, am I as insane as Krystal, or are my pet peeves justified? I mean, this is only the tip of the iceberg, people. Keep your head on a swivel and watch out for slow walkers, shitty drivers, and coworkers who eat like animals. Misery loves company, and we’re all in this together..
Image via ABC / YouTube