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I have avoided this topic for a while. For my entire life, actually. I know it’s not a good take. I know it’s not a popular one. I know I’m basically a masochist for writing it, and that the comments section will quite literally rip me a new asshole. But I’m over hiding it. I’m over staying quiet. I’m over pretending.
The truth is, I think seafood is absolute trash.
Now, before you grab your pitchforks and lobster bibs, let’s sit down and casually discuss this. There’s no need to boil me alive quite yet. You see, I’m a picky-ish eater. I’ll go ahead and say that. No, I don’t strictly eat chicken fingers and well-done steak (medium rare all the way), but something about weird meat really freaks me out. That’s truly what I’m picky about. Maybe I should be a vegetarian. Maybe I should dig into this deeper during therapy. Either way, trying different dead animals isn’t really my thing. Different cakes, sure? Different cheese? Bring it on. But animals? Eh, not so much.
Still, I’m from a family of adventurous eaters. Which is, of course, hell for me. The amount of shit I was forced to eat growing up has absolutely given me PTSD. Rocky mountain oysters, jellyfish, tons of tartare, octopus, FUCKING HORSE — with the exception of human, I’ve consumed it all. And while most of it is absolutely repulsive, there’s one food group I sincerely hate with a fiery passion: seafood.
Now, as a born and bred Floridian, seafood is basically a way of life. We never didn’t have a boat, and between all being certified scuba divers, having a shitton of spearguns, and two brothers who were obsessed with fishing, seafood has been part of my family’s core since before I was born. So, maybe it’s purely psychological. The days spent getting seasick on the boat as I watched fish after fish get pulled out of the water, cut into right on the deck, and grilled up on the portable grill before they even finished dying? Yeah, that’s how most little girls dream of spending their Saturdays.
The real problem with hating seafood, however, isn’t my limited dining options. I love every other cuisine, and even when I get dragged to a seafood restaurant, I can always make it work. Burgers, steak, pasta, chicken, lamb — there’s always something that will please me. No, the real issue is that everyone in the whole entire world thinks I’m wrong. I mean, I’m sure some other writer is going to come back with a “seafood is the best food, fuck the haters” column and everyone will applaud them and they’ll get carried off into the sunset on the shoulders of their admirers. But that’s not the point of this. The point isn’t the be like “seafood sucks” so that someone else can come in and say “wrong. Biiiitch.”
It’s to say “seafood sucks” for all of the folks who are out there, too afraid to say it. Because do you know what happens when you say you hate seafood? You get shat on. Literally. Someone comes over, pushes you down, and lays a whole bunch of hot, sticky hate all over you. But there are plenty of us out there, too scared to say that we think the bug-looking things that crawl around at the bottom of the ocean are not, in fact, a delicacy. That slippery, slimy oysters should never be chosen over some hot honey garlic wings, or that raw fish is not an appropriate dinner, date, or dining option.
And the very worst part of it all? I want to like seafood. I want to enjoy clam chowder, and crawfish, and even a fucking fish sandwich. But I have tried and tried and tried, and it just isn’t in the tastebuds for me. And what makes it even harder than not enjoying a major food group, is the fact that no one in the world can accept it. No one can accept us for who we are. Each time we mumble that we’re not the biggest fans of seafood, we’re greeted with shocked, appalled faces, and the assurances that someday we’ll grow to like scallops (no, dad. I still don’t like them).
What it all comes down to, is that I’m not saying I hate you because you think slurping down lobster (which used to literally be peasant and prison food) is your idea of a romantic night. I hate you because you can’t accept that some of us out there are purely land cuisine lovers. Maybe if more people spoke up, if more people were unafraid to speak up, maybe we could all live harmoniously together. Lovers of lobster could sit next to lovers of steak, and everyone could dine and be happy. Until then, however, I’ll just order my chicken teriyaki at the high-end sushi place with a side of being called a pussy, thank you very much..
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
Literally you’re trash
Give me a seafood tower any day of the week, as long as its on the firm’s dime
This take is TRAAAAASHHHHH
This is the kind of take that makes Duda look like a Pulitzer Prize winner. Don’t blame seafood for your trash taste, devil woman.
Varina has replaced Duda as #1 on my PGP shit list
Fish are food, not friends
Not friends with benefits. Looking at you, The Shape of Water.
The whole world doesn’t “think” you are wrong, they know you are wrong.
I think this is a big troll in an attempt to get more comments than TGDAG on Wednesday morning.
Good seafood is great, however, mediocre seafood is absolute trash
This is the nuance we need.
Bro do you even fish
sorry you don’t like nice things
But have you ever had a seared scallop so tender is melts in your mouth and you realize this is what heaven must be like
Sup?
I know something else that will melt in your mouth.
It’s M&Ms. That’s part of their slogan.
Shrimp is delicious… when its wrapped in bacon.
no, you’re trash
Reading “We never didn’t have a boat” gave me heartburn.
Also this article is ass.
I have been laughing for almost 30 seconds at “this article is ass”. Absolutely gut busted me.