Let’s Talk About Dad Dick

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Dad dick. It’s about time we talk about it, isn’t it? It is. Let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about the widely known condition that takes place with your dick when you become a father.

I like to think of dad dick as a close relative to dad strength. Think about dad strength for a second. Have you ever defeated your father in a living room wrestling match? In an arm-wrestle? Have you ever posted him up down low under the driveway basketball goal? Have you ever carried more grocery sacks from the car to the kitchen than your old man? No, you haven’t, and you never will. Dad strength is almost supernatural. Your dad has supreme strength over you, and it’s always been like that. God designed dads that way — to never relent to their male offspring in any physical activity.

Similar to dad strength, dad dick is the condition of having just a big ol’ man dick once you become a father to a son.

I’m going to ask you to engage in a mental exercise with me, one that you may find a bit uncomfortable, but crafting the perfect first memory of the visual of your father’s penis is quite key to the idea here. So, please, be a sport and picture your dad’s dick.

When was it? Where was it? Were you standing next to him at the urinal trough during the seventh inning stretch at a ball game? Was it inside the country club locker room after a morning round of 18? Was he simply getting in the shower at home? Or maybe you heard him taking a piss into the toilet and were taken aback at the sound of his steam — like the unnecessary use of a firehose filling up the backyard pool — so you snuck around the side of him to catch a peek and make sure he was okay. And he was okay. He just happened to be wielding a big ass dad dick around the house like it was no big deal. And you had NO idea until that moment.

When you saw your dad’s dad dick for the first time, you were freaked out, weren’t you? You were alarmed. You didn’t know they got that big. Or that hairy. Or that dad-like. You felt inadequate. You felt like a child with a baby’s dick. You felt shortchanged. You wondered why his dick was so big. Your much smaller dick got the job done, didn’t it? Why would your dad need a hog piece like that? Would yours ever look like that?

It depends. If you have a son, the answer is a resounding yes. If you don’t have children, or worse, if you only have a daughter (or daughters), the answer, I’m sorry to say, is no.

My first glimpse of dad dick came at hole five of our local muni course here in town. I was six-ish at the time. My dad let me tag along with him and his three friends. I sat between my dad and his buddy Gary in the golf cart, little kid style.

On the way to the course, I pounded the 32 oz. red Gatorade my mom made me drink in preparation of being out in the Texas summer heat for five hours.

By hole four, the Gatorade caught up to me. I told my dad I needed to pee. He told me about a restroom a couple holes ahead — that I’d have to wait. By the next hole, my seal was breaking whether I wanted it to or not. I told my dad.

He said I could find a tree and go, but that was outside my comfort zone. I was a kid, you know. People were around. The sun was out. My dad then said he’d go, too, to make me feel safe. I agreed.

Like a seasoned bodybuilder reaching down and picking up a 50 lb. dumbbell off the floor, he reached down inside his pants, seemingly elbow deep, and he muscled out the biggest dick I’d ever seen. It ruined my month. I kept it a secret for years. I never told anyone my dad had the world’s biggest dick, because I didn’t know whether to be proud or ashamed. None of it made sense to me. It was equally impressive and terrifying.

Well, guess what. I just had my first child. A son. Guess there’s a new dad dick in town.

Image via Shutterstock

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