Let’s Take A Minute To Talk About Monogamous Sex

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I can no longer ignore the elephant in the room. I hear it too often at work and it is time that I said something. There is an epidemic among the couples in long-term committed relationships in this country: apparently they just simply aren’t having sex (or, at least not having it at a rate that the people involved enjoy) and that is beyond sad. How do we fix this problem? Let’s dig in.

I will start with the men. Here is the bottom line gents: if your woman doesn’t want to jump you, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG. Orgasms are pretty awesome, both men and women agree, to a point that they can be craved like a drug. So if your woman doesn’t want to jump you, you’re not delivering the goods, so to speak.

I blame this on most men simply not knowing their way about the vagina. Guys, I promise you it is not as complicated as you think. For the completely uneducated, I want you to consider the vagina as similar to an original Nintendo controller (sorry for the odd comparison ladies but I needed something they could relate to). There are basically two buttons. I will give you a minute to Google them… got it? Good. Ok stay with me here. There are basically two buttons, and you can go up, down, left or right. That is the most simple of instructions, so find your (her) favorite combo and get to work.

Now, this is where it gets interesting. Once she has the first one (yes, they can have more than one), the rest will often come easier. Keep it going and they start to kind of blend into one long continuous one. At that point, you are a man amongst boys, a God amongst men, in her eyes. Trust me, that will give you a little swagger in your step the next day. You’re the man. And just like a crack addict needing their fix, she’s gonna want that again, which in turn translates to more orgasms for you. Win-Win.

And don’t you worry ladies, I didn’t forget about you. You thought I was just going to throw the guys under the bus didn’t you? I hope you’re not reading this thinking you are completely blameless in all this mess. In fact, if your man can’t satisfy you in bed, it is completely and totally YOUR FAULT. That’s right, I said it.

Here’s the deal ladies, as you know, men are biologically wired to try to get laid as often as possible. Every single one of you has used that to your advantage by denying sex as a form of negative reinforcement (don’t even try to deny it, no one is buying). I’m here to tell you that positive reinforcement works a whole lot better. Tell me that I’m going to have do without for a while and I’ll sulk (Mrs. Domesticated Redneck edit: pout) but, I’ll deal with it. Tell me you’re going to allow one of my bedroom fantasies? I’ll jump through whatever flaming hoop I have to.

By the way, who on earth told you ladies that all of these negative reinforcement techniques work? Silent treatment? Don’t care. Love me some peace and quiet. Sent to the couch? Psshh. Don’t care. It’s like camping. Why do you think the first thing we did when you drug us furniture shopping was lay down on it to see how comfortable the napping position was? We knew we would be spending a lot of time on it. You may think it, but you’d be wrong. We’re not idiots.

So, denying sex? Well there are ways around that too, both honorable and not so much. Recall the recent Ashley Madison hack (https://pgparchive.wpengine.com/ashley-madison-and-the-state-of-cheating/). 20 million dudes compared to 1500 women registered users. I am not all condoning cheating but you may want to rethink your strategy on behavioral modification.

Ladies, I want you to think of men as Labrador retrievers, and I mean that in the best way possible. Lovable, trainable and loyal to a fault if we are treated right and we always want to please (sorry for the odd comparison, guys, but I needed something they could relate to).

As far as sex and your orgasms go, the trainability and eager to please aspects are what you need to focus on. You need to stop rewarding bad behavior such as faking orgasms. If we think you orgasmed when you actually didn’t, what do you think we are going to do next time? Exactly. We will go right back to what we thought worked last time. Lose-Lose for you.

So, what you are going to have to do is communicate, before, during, and after sex. Need not be actual words, but you do need to be clear and concise. Subtle hints don’t work. Be as blunt as a 2×4 to the face. Often times, we LIKE it when you take command or initiate. It can be a very welcome and pleasant change of pace.

To sum up, men, listen to your woman. Swallow a little of your pride and even ask for directions if you must because it will pay dividends. And it should go without saying but it really pays to get her in the mood first. (This should be elementary but we somehow forget it all the time.) Ladies, let us know what you want. So long as it stays just between the two of you, you won’t embarrass him or damage his ego and you won’t have to keep the act up any longer.

Enjoy. .

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The Domesticated Redneck

I don't care that you are offended.