Least Surprising News Ever — Russian Officials Knew About Olympic Doping

Least Surprising News Ever: Russia Is Doping Their Athletes

The World Anti-Doping Agency released a report this morning alleging that they have extensive evidence of state-sponsored doping by Russian athletes at the 2014 Sochi Olympic games. Apparently, the Anti-Doping Agency is surprised by this. No shit the Russians are doping up their athletes. They start training kids for the Olympics straight out of the womb, you guys. High-level Russian athletes never meet their families. They get sent to training camps when they’re two years old to start lifting weights and eating three square meals of HGH per day. And if you don’t think that every other country is doing the same exact thing as the Russians than you’re living in a fantasy land where everything is rainbows and kittens and nothing hurts.

Look, everyone knows I’m on Team Steroids. I find it entirely ridiculous that there is such a thing as an Anti-Doping Agency. An entire office dedicated to busting people for using steroids. What a bunch of fucking dorks. I want to see ‘roided up freaks playing obscure sports. I want records getting broken by foreign women who are bigger than most men. Give me all of the steroid-injected athletes. Let these guys play as they are.

I honestly feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Does no one want to see sports being played at their highest level? Does no one realize that steroids are just going to make every game more exciting? The table tennis gold medal match between two guys one fault away from having a steroid meltdown is something I need to see. Good on you, Russia. You’re just trying to make the games a little more exciting. They shouldn’t be punished, they should be applauded.

[via The New York Post]

Image via Denis Kuvaev / Shutterstock

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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