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Inside of every apartment and house there is at least one drawer in the kitchen where people will just throw miscellaneous items. Soy sauce packets that went unused from a Chinese takeout order, coupons for pizza, extra screws to a TV stand, and currency from trips abroad all reside in these drawers. It is a place exclusively reserved for stuff that you’re unwilling to throw away.
It’s a sort of purgatory between the trash and useful household stuff. Recently I created a drawer like this in my new place – I have Chick-fil-a sauce packets in there and postcards from my trip to Italy and koozies. Oh, God, the koozies. Koozies as far as the eye can see.
More than half of this kitchen drawer is filled with koozies from all corners of the country. I don’t know why I hold on to them. They just collect dust. None of my friends use them when they come over. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen people use koozies here in Chicago.
I’ve got a couple from auto shops. I’ve got one from a bar in Seattle despite the fact that I’ve never even been to Seattle. I even have one from a guy who ran for congress back in Michigan and guess what? That guy didn’t win because who is going to vote for a guy who puts his name on a koozie? Not me, that’s for sure. I don’t know who invented the koozie, but I imagine it was a person who was very weak minded. “Wahhhhh I can’t stand the cold beverage on my bare hand!” the koozie inventor probably said to a crowd of annoyed friends.
In the south the koozie is apart of one’s personality. I know it’s hot down there but it’s not like a koozie is really keeping your drink all that cold for very long. If you two Cokes outside for a few hours, one in a koozie and one without a koozie, the Coke with the koozie on it isn’t going to be any less warm than the one without the neoprene on it.
I know people in Texas, Florida, and Georgia who have go-to koozies for any and all occasions. They have one that they bring out to bars with them so that they can subtly leave it sticking out of their back pocket. And they always have some stupid fucking saying on them if they aren’t from some specific brand. Shit like “This is how we roll” and “Beer fucking rules”. Congrats on drinking, you fucking loser. I mean think about how quirky and irreverent that one friend of yours is who has a koozie that says “I’m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.” That’s gold, Jerry.
They have ones that they use while grilling and they have ones that they only allow themselves to use while watching television in their living rooms. Making a koozie apart of your personality should be a huge red flag but then again we have people in this country who think that driving a F150 King Ranch makes people respect them. I don’t expect koozie lovers to take kindly to this article and that’s fine. I just think it’s a stupid, entirely unnecessary piece of equipment.
That dumbass neoprene fabric that scuba gear is made out of is the primary material used for koozies. But even YETI makes a fucking koozie now and you can have one for the low, low price of 24.99! Here’s an idea- how about instead of using a koozie you just drink the beverage while it’s still cold. What a novel concept that is.
Do you really need a barrier between your hand and a cold beverage? Last time I checked drinks were meant to be drunk, not held for hours on end. I’ve come to the realization that koozies are made for people who nurse drinks. And doesn’t that get annoying after three or four beers? You’re constantly taking it off cans and putting it back on again. Just drink the fucking drink.
I mean how long does it take the average person to finish a pop or a beer? Less than ten minutes? What are you people who love koozies so much doing with your drinks that requires them to stay cold for longer than ten minutes?
There’s no real reason for carrying a koozie other than the fact that you want someone to look at it and think “Huh, I bet that person is super interesting!” Except no one is thinking that because no one gives a shit that you went fly fishing in Alaska one time and got a sick koozie for your troubles..
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