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Knee-Jerk Reactions To “Evidence-Based Ways To Prevent Hangovers”

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This may be an unpopular opinion, but I’m firmly against finding a hangover cure. As far as I can tell, the threat of a hangover is the only thing that’s stopping 90% of humanity from getting wasted every night. However, I know most people don’t agree with me so it has become my mission to find out how to successfully prevent a hangover. Luckily, the people over at Healthline think they’ve already got it all figured out. Let’s see.

1. Drink in moderation, or not at all.

Oh, no shit? You mean if I don’t drink alcohol, I won’t be hungover? I didn’t realize this was a list for a bunch of lame-Os. Advice like “limiting my intake to one or two drinks” is the reason everyone thinks scientists are nerds, ya nerds.

Sure, I could hypothetically not take five shots of rail tequila between the hours of 1 a.m. and 3 a.m., but what next? I “shouldn’t” make my Uber pickup McDonald’s drive-thru on the way home? I “shouldn’t” text my ex-girlfriend the lyrics to Usher’s “My Boo” despite her repeated threats to block my number? Get real. You better start giving me tips I can follow.

2. Avoid drinks with Congeners, toxic by-products of alcohol production.

Huh. Apparently, Congeners are toxic chemicals that make your hangover worse. Drinks with high amounts of Congeners are whiskey, cognac, and tequila, and drinks like vodka, gin, and rum have low amounts. So, as I’ve always suspected, dark liquors give you worse hangovers. They say vodka has the least amount of Congeners, but I’d rather drink a straight shot of toxic chemicals than any vodka, so that’s not an option. I will continue to stick with Gin and Tonics as my standard drink and tell anyone that makes fun of me for being basic that I’m doing it for science.

3. Have a drink the morning after.

Hell yeah, scientists! I’m sorry for calling you nerds earlier. You’re are cool in my book. They explain the reasoning behind this with a bunch of long words and math I don’t understand (very simple math), and I gotta say, it seems legit. I mean, I don’t understand it, but it seems science-y and shit.

I’m all for this tip, and I look forward to emailing my parents a link to the study to let them know it’s scientifically sound that I make myself a bloody every time I’m hungover. Sadly, this tip really only applies to weekend hangovers, as I can’t be pounding a morning beer before work after I let a Thursday happy hour get away from me. Or can I? If it’s scientifically proven to help, who am I to argue with that?

4. Drink plenty of water.

God, scientists, I know. I know already. No one on earth doesn’t know that proper hydration helps hangovers. The problem is that my stomach is only a certain size, and I can either choose to fill it with water or alcohol. And I think we both know that I’m going to choose alcohol, every time. I will, however, start buying water bottles and leaving them in my bed so at the very least, I can aggressively hydrate the second I wake up. Or just get a nurse friend to put a black market IV in my arm before I pass out for the night. That’s not a bad idea at all.

5. Get enough sleep.

This might be the hardest one for me to follow, and it’s not for lack of trying. Believe me, when I wake up at 8 a.m. on a Sunday morning feeling like I’ve been hanging in the pit of misery all weekend, the last thing I want to do is stay awake. I want to sleep, but alas, I cannot. I don’t know if it’s my stupid see-through curtains that let light pour into my room, my rampant ADD, or the fact that my body hates me, but my internal timer won’t let me sleep in, no matter how bad I feel.

I have friends who sleep in past noon every day after drinking, and they always wake up feeling refreshed like they slept in a field of fucking daisies, but that’s not who I am. Maybe I should start chasing shots with melatonin gummies? Is that a great or horrible idea? Someone who is a scientist please weigh in below in the comments.

6. Eat a hearty breakfast.

You don’t have to tell me twice, scientists. I’m all about that brunch game. I’m talking eggs bennies, red velvet French toast, and a side of hash browns, all washed down with several delicious glasses of orange juice. What’s that? Of course the orange juice has vodka in it, who orders plain orange juice at brunch like a fucking psycho? Well, yes. I am going to transition to beer, and then eventually back to hard liquor, why do you ask? What do you mean, I’ll just be hungover again tomorrow? What kind of twisted advice are you trying to sell me? You’re the one that said to eat a lot and keep drinking! I know I’m paraphrasing, I can’t remember the exact words, you dumb scientists, I’m already drunk again! Whatever, enjoy your lame breakfast without booze, I’m out here having a good time.

7. Supplements that can help.

This is what I came here for, baby. Gimme them supps. Need them supps. I will put anything in my body that will help me feel better. Ibuprofen? Already on it. Plant-based foods? I mean, the guacamole in my breakfast burrito counts as plant-based, right? Or, like, the orange sauce on the Chinese food I stuff my face with every Sunday? Seems like that would count. They mention something called a prickly pear? I don’t think I’ve eaten a pear in the last ten years, but at this point, if it will lessen my hangover by even 25% I will shove it up my ass if need be. Wait, how prickly is it? Fuck it, I don’t even care. Just cure my fucking hangover.

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Nick Arcadia

The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com

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